So about 1 month ago my wife left the house. We had an argument over someone that she talks to all the time from work, she used to refer to him as her work husband. I was jealous that she was spending what seemed like more time talking to him then she was to me, even though I know that she never had or never would cheat on me. Well one thing led to another and she moved out and took our 3 year old son with her to stay at her mothers house. We went to a marriage counselor for 2 sessions(first 2 weeks after this happened) and I still continue to go without her. She has already said that she wants to get file for a D. I know that I'm not perfect she says that in the 13 years that we have known each other (married 7 years) she has never been happy. I see know that looking back there were times when i was less then perfect being cruel and putting her down for no reason. We have both been going to a psychiatrist for about 2 years now, me for depression, and her for coping with me and anxiety, she did move out of the house at that point so that I would see that there was something wrong with me(I refused to believe it when she told me). Its now come to the point where she will barely talk to me, gets mad if i try and do something nice for her. I don't want to lose everything that we have together, both of us have good jobs, a great home, and most of all the family. The few conversations that we do have now, I get mixed singles from her on what she wants and its really confusing me. One day she will say something that seems she wants things to work out and then later it will be completely opposite. For example after an argument between us that we had about 2 weeks ago now, over which began because i asked her what she wanted for us. Well looking back now that was a mistake, not only could i not get an answer from her but the argument was a screaming match. I wish i had never asked. By the end of the argument about 5 mins, she had said that she just wanted out. I left the place where this happened (my parents house). The next day, I made the mistake of going out and buying a replacement TV, what a dumb way of coping, well only to my surprise the W found out. She was so angry about it, the comment that she made to me was "Well that just goes to show how much that everything means to you." I simply replied "what does that mean? you said yesterday that we are through." The answer that i then got back is "well you never know." Talk about getting false hope. Since then I have offered to move out of the house for our son to be at the home with her, she refused, I have sent her messages in the morning to have a good day. Only for her to tell me last night to stop and not make this any harder then it is. I have read through the entire book since all of this happened, and I must say I have learned a lot, part of me wishes i had read it years ago. I'm at a point now that I don't know if there is anything or anyway that this marriage can be saved.
Me 35 W 30 S 3 M 7 : T 13 yrs Separated 2/20/09 My Story
The W stopped by last night to pick up our son after work. She saw the DR book on the counter and picked it up and read the covers. Next thing i knew was she says to me do you think this will actually work? I simply answered her that anything is possible. The next thing she said to me by complete surprise and i didn't know what to say. She asked me if she could take the book with her to read it. Being caught off guard i told her she could if she would like to, however she left or forgot it on the counter. Would it be a good idea for her to read it also, or should i just concentrate on following the steps in the book on my own?
Me 35 W 30 S 3 M 7 : T 13 yrs Separated 2/20/09 My Story
I think it would be a great idea for her to read it. I honestly think everyone should get Divorce Remedy for a wedding gift. You learn so much from it. It can teach you what to do BEFORE you ever need it. I think it would save more marriages if people knew how to handle things in advance.
Don't force it on her, just next time you see her ask if she still wants to read the book.
I would NOT recommend letting her read it. Why would you want the opponent to read YOUR playbook?
This message board should be a safe haven for you to come to vent, get support, ideas, and bounce things off of others here. While I have seen some success ONCE YOU GET TO THE RECONCILIATION (or "Piecing") STAGE, from having both spouses active here on the forum, I don't think you're at that stage yet, are you?
I do too. I want wayward men and women to read "NOT Just Friends," too, and "His Needs, Her Needs" and "The Five Love Languages," and "Sex-Starved Marriage" and "After the Affair" and so many others. All I'm saying is that they have to be READY to receive it; they have to be in the reconciliation phase.
If they're not, you really can't reach them, and therefore I don't think it's worth the risk of losing your ability to continue to anonymously use this valuable resource (the message board) as a support.
The book will inevitably lead her to the message board.
And you can't "teach" someone who is wayward.
I'm also not seeing anything in her actions that indicates that she's at all ready to start "working on the marriage."
Just my opinion; I guess we'll have to disagree.
Puppy
Hi Puppy and Thank you everyone for your advice. You are correct to say that there are no indicators of her being ready or even willing to work on our marriage. There really isn't any communication between us at this point except when one or the other of us is picking up\dropping off child. On the rare occasion when we do talk on phone or in person, its more of mixed sayings on her side. She can say one thing one breathe about working through everything, and in the next she starts talking about the D word. This is most of the reason why i wasn't sure if it was a good idea for her to read the "playbook". For now what i am going to do is keep it somewhere that even if she comes by she will not see it.
Me 35 W 30 S 3 M 7 : T 13 yrs Separated 2/20/09 My Story
Last weekend our son spent the weekend with me. On sunday morning she called to see if everything was alright and it was, she sounded upbeat and happy. I later called her to see what time she wanted to to drop him back off with her, and she said keep him for a while, OK no problem. I sensed something different in her voice so I asked the W what was the matter. The only answer that I got from her is that she had been crying. She wouldn't tell me why or discuss it with me so I just said, ok call me when you want me to bring him to you. Then last Thursday the W and i actually spent about 30 mins on the phone together - the most he have spoken since seperating. Everything seemed to be good conversation between us talking about work and what each other has been doing. Then on Thursday when she contacted me to pick up our son it was right back to the the same cold actions. Friday I ignored her and on Saturday she called me about 10am and i could hear our son crying in the background. I asked her if everything was OK and all i would get from her was that he wanted to see me - do I want her to drop him off(in a nasty tone). Of course I said yes - well she dropped him off, got in the car and left. This is just so hard going from one being one emotion and then the something else the next day. I'm not sure if she is like that because she is still thinking everything over or what is going on. The one thing that I did notice is that she has taking off her rings and she said that when she does that it is over for good. Right now all I have been doing is concentrating on my own issues(counseling, reading books, etc..) and giving her space to think. I'm not sure if there is anything else that I might be able to do to save this marriage.
Me 35 W 30 S 3 M 7 : T 13 yrs Separated 2/20/09 My Story
