Your situation was mine at one point. My WAS was about the same age as yours. We were married for 8 years, together for 10. She was angry, accusing, unforgiving, vowed she had no love for me anymore, had an EA with a om, the whole nine yards. I was as 'stunned' as you, but I was also angry at what she was doing to me and our family. It really took me a long time to ditch that anger. Don't be afraid to acknowledge that anger. It's normal.
That was 3 and a half years ago. We Divorced, but it's only been over the past 6 months or so that she has come around. They'll never say they are sorry or admit to their part, but that doesn't really matter at this point. She's held out the olive branch and expressed a desire to reconcile. Unfortunately, it's to late for me, but we are friends and that's OK for both of us. Better for my kids.
I don't feel it's an ending or that I've lost my family. My relationship with my S9 and S16 are better then they were back then. My outlook and demeanor are positive and calm. I do enjoy being single and never imagined it would turn out for me as positive as it has. My advice is do what you have to do and don't try to predict the results because most likely, it won't turn out like you imagined.
Last edited by Astimegoeson; 03/25/0910:41 AM.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
This is a very interesting post A. I do not know if my wife is in an EA with somebody but I sort of have a gut feeling she has somebody in mind when we divorce because of the speed she wants to end everything and she won't look bad in the eyes of her friends and family. She denys it of course, but then she would anyway. I cannot control that, I have to carry on regardless as hard as it is.
A, in your sitch did your WAS try to reconcile because the affair was over, or was it some other reason? It sounds as though you have successfully come through the other side and I think that is great. I would not know what to do if I found out my wife was with somebody else, particularly if it was someone I knew. My wife could be in the middle of a MLC as she told me this morning that I did not have a good enough job, she should not have had to work so many hours etc, though apart from the mortgage we do not have any loans, credit card bills are payed in full etc. She says the money she had inherited was the reason we are where we are, and I have not contributed enough. I found this very hurtful.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Astim -- very inspirational post. I'd also be interested in the answer to Mark's question re: her desire to "come home" (recognizing that you can't read her mind and all).
Please try not to react to what your W is saying to you. She is trying to hurt you......letting her know she has, is like patting her on the back for doing it. Don't give her the satisfaction. I know it is easy for me to say, and not so easy to do.....but remember that she is rewriting history at the moment to suit her ends.
Stop worrying about her and what she says and think about you and your children.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
It is nice to hear from you. As I said in a previous post I took your advice about the golf this Saturday and suggested I returned early to see if the children would want to go into town with me for a pizza. My wife said my daughter had a friend coming over, I said she can come too and so can you (my wife) if you want. She immediately responded "well take wouldn't work would it". I ignored the reponse accordingly. The thing that did disturb me was my daughter of 11 was reluctant to commit to my invitation, my wife told me out of earshot of my daughter that she is slightly unsure of me as I have not spent nearly enough time with her in the past and she does not know quite how to take my sudden interest in both of the children. My son of 6 just sees his daddy more often so he is happy for me to be around.
I don't know if the fact I have not spent enough time with them when they were younger (I hate myself for that)and she has now picked up on that, or whether she has heard this during a row my wife and I have had. I am worried about this and need to address it.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Suffice to say we got into a huge row with my six year-old present. It was the worst 30 minutes of my life, I told my wife how I felt, I asked her why she has been so angry over the last 3and a half months. She told me it was the fifteen years of hurt - which I cannot believe, and the lies I have told. I got stresse and told her I was thinking of taking the tablets in my drawer and ending it all. She told me I was a lousy lover, I have lied to her so much over the years, there is no love left. I was so upset I said to her "you are doing the most selfish thing anybody could do". With that she broke down and cried, and said "how dare you say that after all that I have done for you and the children. It is about time I had some time for me".
Mark, I know you're hurting intensely right now, and this may not make you feel any better, but I do have to tell you: what she said here quoted above is ENTIRELY, 100% SCRIPT and has been repeated almost WORD-FOR-WORD by thousands (if not tens of thousands) of wayward spouses over the years. Just read other people's threads -- it's all SCRIPT, and she is re-writing your marital history.
She very likely believes VERY little of it. Rationalization is a powerful, POWERFUL emotional self-defense mechanism, and hers is revving at 99% right now.
You need to begin to introspect, and ask yourself what you would want to do with your life if your wife were to die tragically tomorrow. I don't say that to be morbid, but really -- you have to figure out who YOU are, apart from her. What are your values, interests, beliefs, and what legacy do you want to pass on to your children? As someone else said to you last nite, you will ALWAYS be their dad, and not only do you have the opportunity to, you have the RESPONSIBILITY to "train them up in the way they should go."
Do you want their lasting memory of you to be that you cut and ran when Life threw you a sh&t sandwich?
Take today, lick your wounds, and you don't have to do ANYTHING about it today. But tomorrow, you've gotta pick yourself up and begin to figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life, WITHOUT your wife.
The irony, of course, is that in DOING all of that, your wife will quite likely change the way she reacts to you, and perhaps even want you back someday. But maybe not, and YOU CANNOT CONTROL HER.
These are HER demons to face right now, Mark. What YOU need to do is be there for your kids.
Puppy
P.S. Not to throw even more on your plate right now, but I'd suggest reading up on "parental alienation." Your wife may be saying things to your daughter to turn her away from you, and you should equip yourself.
As an aside, when WAW rewrites history orally, do they actually believe what they are saying, or, do they know what they are saying is not true but try and change history to suit themselves?
Is this one of the reasons they are so angry as my wife says she has been unhappy for years and for the last 2 -3 years has been "trying to hold it together for the family, but cannot do it anymore". I do not believe this is the case but then again....
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I have a 10yr old D, (plus I have had two D's go through that age already), and whilst you W may be right about why your D was reluctant to commit to your invitation, I think it much more likely that your D is aware of the tension between you and your W and she is upset about upsetting your W by being too keen to do anything with you.
From previous posts you have made I have felt that your W is using the children and manipulating them which I find absolutely unforgiveable. I strongly believe that whatever happens between a H and a W, the children need to see both parents as putting the children's interests first and NOT using the children in order to score points.
I think your W needs this spelling out to her. I think she has learned very quickly that you back down when the children are around and she kicks off. She now uses that information....and the children themselves, against you. It's like she wants to belittle you in the children's eyes and that is not fair.....whatever she may feel about you. I am just not sure how to counter what she is doing as you don't want to take her on in front of the children. I need to think on this.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
As an aside, when WAW rewrites history orally, do they actually believe what they are saying, or, do they know what they are saying is not true but try and change history to suit themselves?
Is this one of the reasons they are so angry as my wife says she has been unhappy for years and for the last 2 -3 years has been "trying to hold it together for the family, but cannot do it anymore". I do not believe this is the case but then again....
Mark,
I can only tell you what my wife said. She said that "I KNEW what I was doing was wrong, and it's like I had this little voice inside my head TELLING me it was. But I learned how to drown it out, and to even make it go completely away much of the time. Toward the end (referring to right before we reconciled) it just got louder and louder and louder until it was practically SHOUTING at me, and I could no longer tune it out."
She also reported KNOWING what she was doing was wrong, but was able to "compartmentalize it" in her brain (the kids and me and her family were in a different "compartment"), which also fits what I've read about the wayward mind and seen reported by others.
The fog is thick. Many women and men report NOT EVEN REMEMBERING entire things they did, or conversations they had -- even very significant ones. Hope4Us, for example, told us last week that his wife doesn't even remember an entire vacation to Disney!
PEAs (the brain's "love" chemicals) are nasty, powerful things, and it is why I believe -- as do many others -- that affairs needed to be treated first and foremost as an ADDICTION.
Whatever your wife's involvement may be with someone else, she's certainly displaying all of these classic wayward signs, and even non-infidelity MLC describes much of the same "re-writing of marital history." (Which may just be duplicative, as probably 90% of MLCs involve affairs anyway).
