My WAW thread has been locked and I do not know how to unlock it so I have set up a link to the original thread (WAW).
Over the weekend my wife continued to be distant and she seemed to be detaching me rather than the other way around. She stayed with a friend on Friday night and stayed at her parents with the children last night. I went out Saturday night, I dressed up and I thought I looked pretty good. If she noticed, she did not utter one word, maybe that is what I should expect. She was very argumentative (as usual) but I did not engage in confrontation.
She asked me when I am going to speak to my friend who is allowing me to stay in his house for a while, she clearly wants me out of the way as soon as possible. That hurts, but I have got to try and forget about what she is saying and try and focus on me and work out access to the children. Any advice or views most welcome.
Last edited by markhaving probs; 03/23/0908:34 AM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Threads just lock up all be themselves when you get over a certain number of replies. There's no definite amount. I guess it's just when the administrators get around to it. It's usually between a 100-150 responses that I've noticed.
Sounds like you're doing better now with the way you're reacting to your wife. Not engaging her when she's shaping for confrontation is the right way to go.
As for dressing up for going out, as long as you think you looked good that's the main thing. Your wife wouldn't mention it even if you started looking like Brad Pitt. She's not in a place right now where she's going to do that. She will notice all the positive changes in you though whether she mentions it or not. Keep improving but do it for you. Don't seek her approval for everything you do. If she does compliment you don't act like it's a big thing either. Be polite but just shrug it off. You know you look good and you don't need her to tell you that.
I don't know how to advise you as far as speaking to your friend about moving out goes. I wouldn't move out of the house at all but you seem to have made your mind up on that one. Did you ask your solicitor the legal implications of it yet? What if she does change the locks as soon as you go? Would you have any right to move back in after your agreed time? At the very least I would get the agreement in writing so she can't go back on it.
I know it feels like your wife is detatching you more than you are her. Don't worry about that. I think it's quite common. It's certainly something which used to drive me mad. Just keep detatching her and try not to think over much about what she's doing.
I apologise if I'm not giving the best advice today Mark but I've had quite a tough weekend in my sitch. We all go through low points though mate. Just try not to let your wife see those low points. That's what acting 'as if' is all about.
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
I am really glad to hear from you and thanks for your views. I am disturbed to hear you had a bad weekend, given my sitch I don't think I am in any position to help you, though I would love to, but my thoughts are with you and I am here if you wish to vent.
Take care mate,
Mark
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I don't think you are looking for positives in the right places. At the moment there is no quick fix. I see that you have started to make huge progress this weekend. It sounded like a calm weekend - no drama. You are starting to take the negativity out of the situation and that will reduce negative feelings. That is great and can only be better for the kids right. You are taking steps to achieve your goal.
Great job on looking good. Did you go out or stay home? Why don't you set yourself a goal for this week... Why not take the kids (just them) out one evening this week, or one day next weekend? Have a day of fun with them.
Its great to hear from you, i hope you had a good weekend. Yes, it was a calm weekend, I went out with some friends on Saturday night - we used to be six (3 husbands and 3 wives) now we are 5, which seemed strange as it was the first time we have all got together since the bomb. When I told my wife we were getting together again because one of the couples are moving to San Diego she seemed slightly taken aback. If I was reading the signals correctly I think she might have felt she was being left out, but maybe that was wishful thinking on my part and did not mean anything.
My job finishes this Friday and I am focusing on trying to find another contract. I need to remain strong and calm because in the past I would start to get very stressful and moody in front of my wife. I do not want her to see me like this as it promotes a weakness, I want to show a "its fine, it will be ok" though inside I will be fretting like anything. I feel that I have grown since the bomb as I think I now know how to deal with situations on the outside without promoting my true inner feelings. The only time I backslide is when I am drawn into an argument and I sort of revert to the old me. This is something I will continue to work on as I feel in control when I implement the changes I am trying to achieve. This is also good for my early steps into a PMA which is something I have never really had.
My wife rang me this morning as she stayed with her parents last night to complain that the worktops were not cleaned properly after I had prepared dinner for myself. She never complimented me on the sanding down of the wall or window sill she had asked me to do before she left yesterday. I merely validated her observation of the worktop and apologised. This immediately diffused a situation where I think she would have tried to draw me into a fight - reducing negativity (step 1 in reconciling). This clearly took the wind from her sails as she did not have a response (a jui-jitsui technique I believe).
My goal is to try and secure a new contract this week, but if not I will take my children out this weekend, hopefully without any negative imput from my wife as I am playing golf on Saturday and knowing my wife, she might assume I will be working on the house on Sunday.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Hi Mark! Just read your new thread. Sounds like you've been able to make some positive changes and are handling the roller-coaster better than before. I think that's a goal we all share. Re: Looking good -- don't worry about no compliments received. I had the same experience a couple times this week. I think that if WAW admits anything positive from her POV -- other than things like "you're doing great with the children," which is "harmless" -- she fears it will weaken her position. My W seems to be playing a very cautious, defense-centered game, while I've been looking for weaknesses in her offense. In other words, I've been playing the wrong game.
Good to hear from you. I'm glad somebody else experiences the apparant coldness, non-commital reaction of their WAW. I must admit I do not get hardly any positivity or thanks from her at the moment. I tend to do alot of the ironing these days and I leave it in a neat pile for her to put away. I get the odd begrudgingly 'thank you' but only on rare occasions. The decorating/carpentryDIY work I do NEVER gets praised, but I rise above it and say to my self I am doing this for me and the children. This is a 180 for me and I must keep the changes going, which I will for the children, me and the future, whatever that may be, but I pray reconcilliation is possible even though I signed the divorce petition papers last week. I must stay positive.
Last edited by markhaving probs; 03/23/0912:27 PM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Good, you are doing the unexpected! I hope you had a fun evening.
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My job finishes this Friday and I am focusing on trying to find another contract. I need to remain strong and calm because in the past I would start to get very stressful and moody in front of my wife. I do not want her to see me like this as it promotes a weakness, I want to show a "its fine, it will be ok" though inside I will be fretting like anything.
To me this doesn't seem like a 180. In both scenarios you are shutting your wife out to your real feelings - although plan B is much better than plan A. What do you think would be a real 180 here?
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I feel that I have grown since the bomb as I think I now know how to deal with situations on the outside without promoting my true inner feelings
I'm so thrilled for you. It is satisfying isn't it that even though we are going through all this cr*p at least you are using it as a real chance to look at yourself and your marriage.
Quote:
My wife rang me this morning as she stayed with her parents last night to complain that the worktops were not cleaned properly after I had prepared dinner for myself. She never complimented me on the sanding down of the wall or window sill she had asked me to do before she left yesterday. I merely validated her observation of the worktop and apologised. This immediately diffused a situation where I think she would have tried to draw me into a fight - reducing negativity (step 1 in reconciling).
Great job!
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My goal is to try and secure a new contract this week, but if not I will take my children out this weekend, hopefully without any negative input from my wife as I am playing golf on Saturday and knowing my wife, she might assume I will be working on the house on Sunday.
Here is another chance for a 180 Mark. It seems like this is 'more of the same' behaviour. She is citing neglect on the D papers right? Now, I know you are doing your utmost to find a new job etc etc and I totally think that is the right thing to do but could you spare an hour or so out of that to take the kids out to a film, or for a meal, to the park or whatever. Even if it means you going to golf later or something. As you say, she is expecting something else right. At the moment you seem to be falling into the pattern she expects.
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I tend to do a lot of the ironing these days and I leave it in a neat pile for her to put away. I get the odd begrudgingly 'thank you' but only on rare occasions. The decorating/carpentryDIY work I do NEVER gets praised, but I rise above it and say to my self I am doing this for me and the children
Did you thank your wife every time she did something like this? Did you thank her *every* time she did the ironing or put your clothes away, or wiped the work surface or hoovered the house. You get my drift... I know that you are making a huge effort but to her these are just normal things that one does. Like you doing the DIY, this is what you normally do, just because she doesn't say doesn't mean she doesn't notice. Have you read the bit in MWD book about 'real giving'. That is where you do something for someone else with no expectations in return. Don't build up resentment or martyr yourself - it doesn't help the situation.
Sorry I am being hard on you here Mark but I really want this to work for you. You don't have much time before you move out and no longer live with the kids and your wife. Make the most of the time you have left there to do some killer DBing!
Remember I am coming at this from a woman's point of view here too
Really great feedback. On the job front I really do not know what to do here. Previously when I was coming to the end of a contract, I would stress out and moan about the fact there wasn't much work around, we have got to cut back on things - basically negative feelings. By being upbeat I am trying to promote a positive attitude and in the meantime try and get a temporary job while I am looking, rather than just being around the house.
In regard to the golf, I completely understand where you are coming from here. In my defence I have only played golf 5 times this year so far, I know it is 5 because I do not want to fall into the 'golf every weekend' more of the same situation. I am trying to mix it up a bit by not playing every weekend, but my wife does not appear to acknowledge what is for me a BIG 180 as I used to played religiously every weekend. I am not sure what to do here because I have a competition that starts at 1130 and finishes late. I have definately done a 180 here, but I also think at this stage of our relationship she is 'happy' for me to play as it gives us the space she craves.
J, I have no qualms whatsoever about doing the ironing, washing etc as I do not resent it at all, actually I find ironing quite theraputic and it gives me strength as I NEVER did any ironing or washing before. In fact I did not even put the dirty clothing into the washing machine, so I hope this is seen as a 180. Am I doing successful DB'ing?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
