Need Help handling affair thats still going on

[25yearsmlc]

If you keep focusing on the affair & wondering if it is continuing (Believe me, he would happily tell you if he had ended it don't you think?? Don't force him to lie to you under the guise of being "honest friends....") Leave it alone, leave HIM alone, NO more R talk...get out the book again or run upstairs 40 times or do something but do NOT CALL HIM or bring this stuff up again....try to make it a week...A WEEK!! I'm telling you that you will wear yourself out and make it worse for the kids. How so?

b/c this focusing on him and the A and cycling back to it over and over, WILL CONSUME YOU with worry, sick feelings, and eventually ANGER & GRIEF and that is hell on earth.

AND You will basically be deserting your kids. They already lost their stepdad, for now at least. Have you already noticed that you are pre-occupied around them? Been there, done that. Have you noticed that they noticed it? Don't desert them now when they need YOU the most. Be there for them, be IN the MOMENT and not in the future or in OW"s house or your head all the time. Just stop it. You have to.

(( j ))

PS don't explain to them that he's confused or ask them to pray for him UNLESS they say something to you. Don't make excuses....besides, they'll come to you when they feel they can, IF they want to. What you say to them in meaningless compared to how you act. They need reassurance from you that you are never leaving them, they are safe, they do not have to move or leaves their school or friends and their lives will go on and they will likely see him around....when the dust settles....Do NOT stress the changes in YOUR life but the stability in THEIRS.....Be strong for them and be strong for yourself. BUT BE STRONG....frankly, your h probably needs that from you too. (But this is NOT about h~!!!!)

[Concerned_Listener]

I know that was entirely wrong.
Ok.. So I know all of you veterans are going to think I'm a weak and stupid person walking into that and breaking down already to call him. I will say my only defense(if there is one!) is that I have an extrememly vivid imagination and it took all my efforts last night and early this morning NOT to drive by the OW house to see if his car was there. But I didn't drive by. I tried calming myself and my imagination. I know I should assume he is continuing the A, but in a way that lets my imagination run wilder. Anyway. I'm starting the "no contact" again.
I've been reading "Not Just Friends" and I certainly am going through much of what a betrayed spouse goes through-the post traumatic/hyperaroused/suspicious state of mind. It seems hard to get past b/c there is no communication and the A is most likely continuing. I will keep trying.

KJ,
I think it's great with all reading you're doing. I think change starts gradually internally, before there can be a commitment to behavioral changes. On the surface, it looks like you're stuck, but I don't think so. You're in the early stages of change, somewhere between contemplating about what you might have to do, and preparing to make a commitment to make the changes needed.

You're making initial tentative steps at DBing. You're on the right track.

You're aware of the mistakes you're making, and that is progress in and of itself. I consider your self-restraint from driving by to check on him a significant step.

CL

[peacetoday]

K
None of this is easy
we will often make many mistakes along the way
we learn we grow and we let go
painfully
you will get to the point when you will stop asking
you are probably still in the initial shock
when all this first began, I thought I could count on seeing weekly changes in my H
nothing changed except me
now I montier H when I see him
If he sasys /does nothing significantly different from one month to the next, I assume he is not moving
I practice letting go more and more

I am moving
peace

[kjensen]

Ok.MLC- I see your point about the Koolaid and yes the thought did enter and stay in my mind about the hypocrisy but I think I understand how shamed my H is, how much self-loathng he has for the missteps he has taken and still seems to compulsively take. Right now, his daughters are about the only thing he has going for himself, the only thing of beauty that he has helped create in his 44 years-he thrown everything else away, or hasn't invested enough of himself to succeed(his business). So I know feeling vulnerable to their rejection of him probably feels like a fatal blow to him.
My daughters know that I love their father and that I am doing my best to continue and improve this marriage. They know their father is depressed and on medication, that we both go to therapy. They are astute enough to understand and appreciate that mom and dad are doing their best. They know they are both loved deeply by both of us ad I am not deserting them. It is a bit more relaxed at home, with just the estrogen raging and no tiptoeing on eggshells around a tense father.
As bad as today felt this evening unexpectedly improved. I forgot my H had a client meeting at his home office this evening so he was stll at our home when I got there after work. I got home and decided to be upbeat and act "as if" things were fine. It worked. I invited him to have dinner with the family and it was nice. I didn't talk about R/A/OW. So. Two steps back, one step forward. I am not focusing on the A/OW as I had a calming conviction(perhaps with everyone's help here) that he will just have to go through what he's going through and if that includes acting like a teenager in-heat-then it is what it is. It hurts to be betrayed, to have your spouse disregard marriage vows, but its already been done-I don't think he sees a future with the OW-he has said as much. So somewhere inside I found some strength and resolve which hopefully will last awhile.
The fact that acting "as if" and being upbeat actually worked was quite the positive reinforcement.
Thanks MLC, Peace and CL for your posts-I just kept venting and writing today to keep my mind from going in circles and thought maybe you all gave up b/c I've made some pretty pathetic moves. Thanks for sticking wth me and helping guide me!

[peacetoday]

K
I went through a lot of that
nice conversations, time toggether.no R talks for 2 years

keep expectations low
It is just a practice
I saw it as showing my H what we could have
making amends to him in a way b/c so much of our M, I was not available
It created a nice freindship,,thats it though
MLC still has to run its course and in the end they decide
and even with the frindshipo, the kids, the house , family and business ..some will not return
peace

[25yearsmlc]

KJ,

understand that I see myself as being a reality check at times. Obviously. And the craziness has to be pointed out at times b/c WE DO lose our perspectives at times when we are so close to the trees we cannot see the forest...

So you know, NO, I don't think you are pathetic or stupid. I DO want you to remember though, who did what and what is really happening here. Yes you made mistakes in the Marriage. We all GET that....YOU GET IT....so that's what matters.

But there are going to be times when you need to tell your H that his take on things is just too off base, too self serving, to let it pass. I felt that this was one of those times. Sure, protect the R with the kids to a point - I mean I would not support you lying for him...but saying nothing about ow, yeah I'm fine with that. If he continues with OW and they ask you I'd say "ask your dad" - but other than that, yes, I'd leave it alone. STILL, for HIM to complain and not own any of this, was Just TOO CRAZY for me.

Sometimes, you gotta call them on it when their view point is sooo offffff, and you can do it gently or with humor or very briefly. But you need to do it now and then and say, "let me get this straight--h, you are complaining to ME about....." (honestly, I DID think it was so crazy that it was funny...but yeah, if I were you, it'd take a bit longer to see the humor in this....yeah, like a lot longer....)

But if you say something, do it and then let it go. & He needs to learn to shut up too. He created most of this situation, and that is NOT YOUR responsibility, and I think I see some enabling going on here. How much does it help HIM to have you enable him to stay mired in his muck and not work anything out on his own? I don't know the answer to that, but it's worth asking.

The great news is that your d's also see work on the M going on, at least at your end and they know he has issues... so there won't be total shock if things don't improve fast, or ever. Seems the worst things for kids is when the parents hide it ALL until it is a fait accompli and then the kids think their world view has been so off for years that they no longer trust their judgement on anything.

Good luck
(( j ))

[kjensen]

Woke up after dream that I was watching H marry OW. I felt weird but not hugely upset. Feel calm today. Kind of detached, so maybe things are sinking in from all the threads I've read and advice I've been given. I hope this lasts. I feel like I just need patience and detachment/no expectations and I can get through this.

[bip42]

KJ, Our situations and current thinking/feelings seem similar. I'm getting a lot out of 25mlc's responses.
Bpretty

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I feel like I just need patience and detachment/no expectations and I can get through this.

Funny that's how I feel too. : )

You can do this.

[kjensen]

Thanks Jack! Nice to hear from you. So my husband emailed me today to let me know we have a sprinkler system pipe leaking in the back yard! He had just turned on the system before we lucky people in colorado got our late winter snow(more headed here this weekend!).
I called to see if he got the pipes turned off/if there was water damage-so far all OK. He was very "up" and talkative. He thanked me for 'hiding' my books-he must've been in our bedroom. He thanked me for telling him (although belatedly) that our daughter had overheard me talking about my H liking someone else and that's why he was questionning his feelings for me. We talked a bit about shuttling the kids to various activitied this weekend and I said I didn't want to intrude if he had plans(he said he didn't!-so maybe he's cooled off w/OW-who knows-whatever-! :-)). I said I hope he has a good afternnon-I was eating lunch at work and he said "Oh" w/ a somewhat surprised tone...I'm still distancing and won't contact him unless he initiates...
It certainly feels better having no expectations-so much calmer emotionally for me!