I'd suggest saying something vague like "I hear that you want this to move quickly. This is obviously very important to both of us long-term, and certainly the kids, and I'm doing the best I can and trying to respect the advice of my attorney. As this is NOT something I wanted -- and still don't -- I'm having to process all of this very suddenly, please bear with me."
or something like that?
If she says "What the hell does THAT mean?" just say "I'm doing the best I can." If she tries to get you into any details, say "Since this is now a legal matter, I'm really trying to defer to my attorney on this, as he/she is more experienced at this than I am."
Thank you again for all of the time you are investing in me. It means a lot to hear real action planning from people not involved. I thought of 2 other questions that are coming up. 1. We own a hair salon and she has always done my hair. I need a hair cut and she said last week that she would do it. She said that she just needs to feel we are compromising. I think that is in regard to her legal process. Should I ask her to do my hair, or should I find a stylist and just get it done. I can see both sides of both decisions. On one hand, she has always enjoyed making me look good and it is a time we laugh and talk, even 4 weeks ago after her announcement. On the other hand, if I go somewhere else, it will look like I am moving on, but she will be critical of another person's work and find reasons to think I don't look as good. Sounds petty, but it is an issue I need to face this week. 2. Since we have 3 kids under 8yrs old, we are very interactive on a day to day basis. Her time is very limited and she physically can only see the OM maybe once every 3 weeks, although she texts and talks to him several times a day (something she feels the need to hide, even though she knows I know and have discussed it). If I find more reasons to be out, business travel, etc., I will be giving them more opprotunity to hook up. If I am around more, it becomes less possible. Giving her space may come off well, but may also accelerate the path they are on. If, on the other hand, they can't see each other as much, he may get tired of it and move on. She has said in the past that they only talk on the phone and she hasn't even seen him, but I know of 2 occasions when they were planning to meet and had the time. Thoughts?
Thanks. That sounds good. She doesn't know I have spoken to an attorney yet. Her hope is that we can make all of our arrangements and agreements a head of time and then sit down to get the appropraite forms. She wanted me to go with her this week to see what the process is and go over financial details. I told her I could not, 1st because I am working all week with a business colleague and will not have time, and 2nd because I am still "trying to get my head around everthing and am not in a place where I can meet with an attorney". It hasn't come up in a few days, but her next appointment is Wed, so I am sure she will ask again.
Sorry to hear about the dilemma with OM. I understand.
Just my $.02 worth not knowing your sitch. Once the EA or A is exposed, you really can't do anything about it. She is going to do what she wants to do. Making it more difficult just makes the fantasy (and therefore the attachment) stronger. Just make sure that you have set your boundaries clearly (ie don't involve the kids).
as far as the haircut - stay with your W, but maybe challenge her to give you a different style than she ever has before?
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
OK, I say go get your hair done somewhere else. Why? becauses it is something different. It may shake the boat a bit. Don't talk about it, just do it. Don't mention it to her before or after, just go get your hair cut. See what happens. IF you get a good reaction, cool, if you get a bad reaction you can always have her do your hair next time. NOW that said, you are over thinking stuff a bit. This is common for the newbie. A hair cut will not make or break your marriage. So do what you want. She might also seem pissed you got your hair cut somewhere else but that pissed may actually work in your favor. So many factors, so much to consider BUT a strong, confident, man with options wouldn't sweat it either way, he would do what he wants. Always remember, "What would Ron Burgundy do?"
Now as far as giving space goes, you can give space and still be in the house, just stop puppy dogging her if you are doing that, try to not seem sad or peeved. DO NOT have any R talks. Again, live your life like it is all good. Do stuff with the kids. Fix stuff around the house. Things like that. BTW, it is all easier said than done. I dunno about the others here but I still have to conciously work on all this stuff everyday.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Thanks. I probably am overthinking things a bit. She does a great job with my hair, so all things being equal I would like her to do it, but not if it costs me points. I think what I will do is see if she offers, if not I will just get it done. No discussion, no reaction.
Because our kids are small we are at home with them all day. So if I am out, she has to be there, ie the work day...and if she is at work 3 nights a week, I am with the kids. On Sat, I overheard her say that she was going to go out with a girl she works with. I had already planned to do something that night. She is assuming I will be home to watch the kids. So I am going to wait to see if she asks, in which case I will tell her I have plans. If she doesn't ask, I will simply go about my plans and let her figure out if she can get a sitter. No conflict, no anger...just do what we do.
Most LBS are afraid to pull back or lovingly detach from their spouse b/c they are afraid of "losing" them. But I can tell you as a AWAW that she does not want you up close and personal! She wants away from you and she wants space......and lots of it. The more you make yourself unavailable and attractive and interesting......the better for her to realize what she has and will want you again. Learn how to act sexy again instead of acting like a "married man". If you don't know what I mean by that, then think of what you were like with her before you M her. I am not talking about acting like you are not M around other women......I mean around your wife. All of us seem to change after M. We let down and start taking one another for granted and just don't try as hard. Well, start working on getting back what you use to be before you M. You do that without chasing and pursuing her. Play a little hard to get and don't act so "interested" in her activities or being around her as much. But, when you are near by, act as if you are the most fun person in the world to be with. You may not "feel" like it, but you can pretend that you are enjoying the heck out of whatever you are involved in at the moment. Just don't over-kill b/c women are very perceptive and can spot a "fake" a mile away......especially if it is their H.
Talk to you later.
Sandi
Sandi,
I have a question that I want your opinion on. I was going to PM you so as not to hijack the thread, but I figure maybe it might be helpful info for someone else too.
You mention giving her tons of space. And that seems to be what my wife has wanted. But a few weeks ago when she brought up that she wanted to us to look at a separation again, I told her I didnt' want that. And we talked about some other things like how she can't be comletely 'healed' (as she always says she is and why she doesn't need to go to counseling anymore) if she still feels like I bring baggage from the past, and that theres some resentment to me that she doenst' want to deal with. And in the end, she said then how about we just keep our living the situation the way it is and we just don't talk about our R. BUT then she threw in a and maybe we try to get babysitter once a week and try to do something. I also asked if she'd like to go to lunch together once/week since I have time cause I'm still layedoff. And she said OK. So the past couple weeks I have gone to lunch with her, and we did get to go to a comedy club one night. She even said early on that it was the first time we got to do anything fun together.
So now here is my question...
In my experience over the last few months, even if she says something, it doesn't necessarily mean she remembers saying it or even feels the same way the next day, or hour sometimes. I'm sure others can relate to this.
Should I still try to ask her to do something once/week and try to get together for lunch once/week, or is it something where she said it at that time, and it might have been forgotten already? And I'll come across as pursuing again.
One danger of not pursuing it is that she feels that she was the only one who tried and did everything to fix the marriage a year ago, and got nothing out of me from it. I don't feel that was true, but it is how she feels. So by me not pursuing it, it might revalidate that feeling she has. So I am really confused right now.
