Fresh Start

[BeginningAgain]

Well IMO, since you already said you would go to this one, I'd go and use it as a gauge for future decisions on these types of invitations. You can make it clear to him ahead of time that as far as you are concerned, having dinner together with your D should not be misconstrued to mean that you are ready to reconcile with him.

If your H reacts to them as just an opportunity to eat dinner together with no expectations, then I'd say go occasionally but not necessarily say yes to every single request. On the otherhand if your H looks at them as an indication that you are on the road to getting back together again or uses them to control you then they are probably not a good idea. Again this is just my opinion. Hope it helps.

S4H

[kat727]

I would agree. Putting your D in the middle is cruel, she is not a pawn in a chess game. Be polite but don't show him any affection or joke about the past. Put that wall up and I am sure you will get through it just fine.

Thanks for the saying for today. I do realize that every day is special and I am blessed to have it. Hey I got upset when Heath Ledger died way too young as well. It just hits home about the fragility of it all. I tell my kids how much they mean to me and how much I love them. I don't want there ever to be any doubt.

kat

[QuietTime]

Well dinner was interesting. When I got there D was asleep she was not feeling well and had a headache. We had a very short turn around time on dinner. I was arriving at 4:45 and needed to be gone by 6 to get to my kickboxing class. h had said he would have the steak(yum) on by the time I got there.

I walked in and there was a notebook on the table with things written in point form - I casually - and I mean really I was just making conversation asked what he was writing out and he scooped up the book and hid it. He then pulled the steak out of the fridge and went out to turn on the bbq. As he is staying at his parents house he could not find anything to light the bbq with. This turned into a catastrophe of him opening and slamming drawers, swearing and basically losing his composure about the stupid f'n house. He has aboslutely no coping skills. At one point he said you might as well leave cause this wont be ready in time. So I went looking for where I put me keys down he comes in the room and says - what are you doing snooping? I turned around and said, "Was your intention in inviting me here to have a pleasant dinner or to make me uncomfortable?" So finally he got the bbq started and made the steak. The dinner was very good but during dinner he started a discussion again about the fact he thought I was looking for his book - and that he had a special page in there (something he is holding over my head) I told him I would not be coming to dinner again.

I got a text later in the evening that said thank you for coming to dinner and I'm sorry I was a jerk.

[GoingForward]

So he was assuming the worst....sounds and feels very familiar.

How are you today, QT?

(((((QT)))))

[MichelleLT]

Hey.

Found you.

Sounds like some craziness has been afoot. Sounds like you are handling it pretty well though.

Glad to hear you have been doing some GAL stuff and that he is taking a class. I am sorry to hear you have no desire to reconcile, but totally understand as I am there myself.

(((hugs)))

[QuietTime]

Hi girls,

I am doing well today. I had an interesting conversation with D5 the other night. We were driving to her skating canival and it was so innocent on her part.

She said, "Mommy our school must get their computers at daddy's store." I said why do they have "storename" on them? she says, no Dell. So I said well how do you know they are from daddy's store? And she says the computers had dell on them at his store last week. So I asked when she was there and she said when we went to get the groceries for dinner the day you came over and daddy cooked when I was sick, we went to his work. - daddy's work is in another town, OW works at the same store as daddy next to the grocery store in our town.

So I asked her did you go by the movie store? And she said yes, daddy had to talk to his friends, and I asked if she talked to them and she said I don't know who they were but they were 2 girls.

Why is this relevant? Just that it further proves H still has no capacity to be honest and is still obviously talking to OW at the very least. When I asked him about it he said oh that was last summer...

D5 is a very smart girl, she knows the difference between last month and last summer.

What really bothers me the most is that I feel so sorry for him because he is so down about how he "screwed things up" but he is still lying.

I got a call from the PAR program today, it is the 16 week probation madated program H is going to for people that have been abusive in relationships. They offered me free counselling so I decided to take them up on it. I did explain to them while I really didnt feel that I was physically abused to the extent many people are I did read the overview and did feel I had been abused in other forms, isolation, intimidation, with holding of finances, threats, distruction of property.

I joined a website called meetup.com and it has social things to do in the community, one of the groups is affiliated with parents without partners, and seems to have lots of stuff going on, I am going to a pot luck Easter egg hunt on Saturday. Should be fun!

[MichelleLT]

Love meetup.com. NikB introduced me to it. I'm not actually in any groups, I just randomly browse when I'm bored on my computer lol.

Well, as you don't seem interested in reconciling, what he's doing really isn't relevant as long as it isn't actually hurting D5, which it didn't seem to. So, I guess it's just one more thing to add to the list of why you want to move on, and then keep moving on.

[QuietTime]

I am feeling down today. Today is H's birthday. He is very depressed. It is his day with D, and I know he wants me to spend time with them but I will not. He is feeling very sorry for himself and I am feeling very angry today. Because all I can think about is last year.

Last year on H's birthday he was still living at home and denying the A. I asked what he wanted for dinner and made his favourite, while I was out getting groceries he left and did not return. D was to go to my parents and as I will still DBing (or my version of it) I decided to just go with the flow so I ignored that dinner was ruined and forgotten and I dressed up and went out to meet H. He greeted me as if he was happy to see me and did not mention not coming home for 5 hours. While we were at the bar H got up to go to the bathroom and left! I left after I realized he was gone, and then saw he was not home. Shortly after I got a call from him saying he had been picked up by the police (on his way to OW;s)could I come get him. I did and then he accused me of calling the police on him. Long story short they charged him with speeding and ignored the DUI as it came with a minimum 10000 fine and a year's loss of license. So I drove him home while he proceeded to hit, choke and try to cause us to get in a car accident, then rip the wiper arm off the steering column. When we got home he wrecked the walls in my bathroom and the door. The following day I exposed the affair to his parents in a cry for help. He moved out that week and never returned.

So today as he feels sorry for himself I feel so angry. So angry that I allowed myself to be treated that way and still wanted him to stay, or to return once he left, and so angry that he is having a little pity party because the day isn't all that he expected.

On a happier note, I had a very nice time at the PWP meetup pot luck and easter egg hunt.

[MichelleLT]

Yes, well, his birthday last year sucked. 90% of that was on him.

His choice to leave. His choice to drive drunk. His choice to cause all kinds of damage.

Hopefully this year is better for him and he has no reason to really feel sorry for himself. I totally understand why you want nothing to do with his birthday after what happened last year. Once burned, twice shy.

Regardless, I am glad that you had a nice time at the meetup and easter egg hunt.

Hang in there.

[kat727]

Hey, I just wanted to check in on you. So hard to believe that was all a year ago. I remember it happening and how upset you were about it. But let's look at you now and see where you are. Me thinks a much better and calmer place.

hugs,kat