We are expressing differences in opinions without the fight and it is ok to have those differences. I am seeing more today how much I wanted things to go certain ways all the time to make up for the past. Decided that it must have been hard on exh and now current H to have to deal with that thinking.
I also heard today from him that he is just beginning to see things like: how what he did hurt me, how important it is for him to show me change not just talk, that I have needs too. Last night I forgot to tell how I needed some medicine and asked him to take me to the store. He agreed without any problems, then began joking about my way of inserting two errands into one. But when the first place did have it, I said I would have to go in the morning on my own. He said, no, you need it tonight we will go to another store. We did, and at first I couldn't find it, so he said well guess we will have to go to a third store. We did end up finding it at the second one - but it was different for him to want to help me.
Later he wanted to apologize for the past again as he says he keeps seeing more of the damage he caused to the point of being overwhelmed. Added that he is also seeing how hard I tried to keep things together for us - and says it is now time for him to show me what he can do right.
Again, a good day.
SO2,
It took a long time for me to get to the point where it didn't make sense anymore to live that way. Everyone wanted me to leave him, but I didn't want to be alone and I thought I could help. It was SIL that made the most sense to me when he told me how unhappy his father was - not with me but his life - he told me that he advised his father to be happy whatever it takes even if it means drinking and losing me and the life he has. I didn't like what he said, but I realized then that H wasn't happy and it wasn't about me. He did want to drink, was miserable without it, and that is when I began to let go. I did it gradually thinking if I can do this a little at a time I will be OK.
It happens in stages, and it is still being worked on, I don't know if we will live happily ever after or not right now. That isn't the point - it is how we get there or not get there.
I am a little uneasy, but there are definite changes that get my attention.
Everytime I read your thread I am amazed. Your H seems to be waking up to the turmoil his drinking has caused. When they are in active A they are so defensive when you try and tell them about their behavior that its not worth it. Your H really is making progress.
I know the drinking isn't about us. Its all about them and their miserable lives. Its such a viscous cycle. They drink, they feel like crap about themselves which makes them drink more to escape. An alcohol therapist told me asking exh to quit drinking was like asking me to go into the woods naked. Strange I know but he was trying to say that I would be scared and uncomfortable. So would exh in his mind if he quit drinking. Its become a security blanket for him.
I love reading your thread. Nice to see some good stuff happening in you!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I can say with hand on heart, that I think your H is starting to feel better for not drinking. That is why he is 'suddenley' realising what a fool he has been. He is not out of the woods by a long chalk, but it's a very very positive step.
I also think that you have been and still are handling it beautifully. Keep on doing what you are doing. This has positive written all over it!
Thanks for posting to me. You were right about our situations being different. i haven't read all of yours, but some.
i think it's great that he's not only acknowledging how he may have hurt you in the past, but he's remorseful. I think that's one of the great things about when people decide to be sober. They really take a good hard look at who they are and what they've done.
Be cautious, but also supportive. They advise people in recovery not to get into relationships within the first year... It's an unstable place. My FIL has 18 years next week, but he still goes to meetings a couple times a week. He has a sponsor. He works an honest program cause it's all one day at a time no matter how long you have.
I think you are doing great.
If i'm off base with anything, i'm sorry...
take care ann
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
Today, again we we were talking and I started to react to things he was saying. Caught myself and he checked on my later to see if I was ok with what he said or not. I was able to tell him that I am still reacting to things he says but I know when it is happening and hopefully he can see me controlling it. H response was that he sees my struggling and reacting, but also sees me trying to be more accepting and hoped that the more important part of our interactions is that I see his changes. He told me that he appreciates my efforts but feels it is his responsibility to be showing me things more.
He also said something very important - we reminded me that with our backgrounds, we have an exceptionally difficult time accepting any negative interaction or comments without wanting to push the other one away. He said that the past week has shown him that while we have a long way to go, the changes are coming, we are managing to talk things through instead of arguing and withdrawing. He has a renewed hope in our M and success in the future. He says that he couldn't fully committ to the M but now is convinced it is what he wants.
He called later to see if I was still ok with today and to remind me that he is committed this time.
He also has started his marathon training and wanted me to know that he signed up for a run next month and invited me to be there. We exchanged small talk and I made a joke about him and he really appreciated that my sense of humor was back.
It is nice to hear that someone is benefiting and appreciating my journey as one who is going through it herself. H explains to me now how he thought when drinking. Nothing really made sense, his only focus was on himself and when he could have his next drink. He did not see or hear any of my thoughts or feelings at the time. Mind was too foggy. H is also dealing with a S who is actively drinking and screwing up worse than he did. His wedding is off and the GF is trying to get him out of her family's home. S has sent nasty messages to H.
Also found out that DIL is having a boy! D18 after one week of driving, has been in her first accident but is fine. S21 is still looking for a job. Kids seem happy to see H and I together again.
I so appreciate your comments. I am really surprised at how much I am learning as H and I talk through things and just enjoy spending time together. He is very sensitive toward keeping things light and non stressful. Yesterday I started to react and then told him that I was feeling very stressed and he started to leave and returned saying he wanted to reduce my stress not increase it. Asked what to do, what to say and then did it. I knew it was me but he wanted to make things better for me.
I expected to see gradual changes in him, I didn't expect to see so much for myself. I can only imagine that it has to do with the support I have had on this board.
I was in a very bad place when I started. It took awhile to regroup and find myself again. I knew I was in there somewhere. But I didn't expect the other.
Another good day! I overslept and got into work late so we didn't have time to talk. We both had a very busy day. At the end, he said we could talk tommorrow as he had RCIA classes tonight. But he called tonight. I was anxious all day that he would be upset with me as he has in the past. He wasn't, he just wanted to make certain I was ok.
After being worried all day, I realized once again how we get triggered and reactive to previous patterns. It is going to take time to adjust to the changes - not that I am complaining. It is refreshing. I went from wondering what am I doing with him to ahhhh this feels good.
Still learning.
Thanks everyone for the support. I know things are not in the clear, lots to work on going forward - very much needed changes, but I wouldn't be where I am without you.
ann