I'm glad things are moving forward! Especially the fact you both are attending counseling. Kudos to you both!!
As far as your H working on himself... if you recall, there are numerous posts about the "alien" within spouses who walk away. You've also heard myself and other say your H is just as confused as you in this whole ordeal. The final piece is the amount of guilt he has inflicted on himself and his family. By far the guilt is the heaviest burden. He has a lot to discover, anylize and correct. Offer your support and understanding. Be his closest friend and listen to his thoughts, build his trust and yours by talking through the issues. He will respect you and you will begin to trust him, both key components to a healthy marriage.
As for the OW. Print out some of her threatening txt and e-mails and then block her on your cell. If she continues use the printed material to legally remove her from your personal life. You are in control of who you give access to your numbers. USE IT! Your H should also respect your request to stop all contact with her. This is part of building trust. She is displaying her true colors. It is pretty pathetic behavior. Do not give her the satisfaction by responding to her rants. When you do, you transfer some control to her. By ignoring them you retain control and display your dignity. Take the high road, you're winning, refine your approach and you will succeed.
Finally, I want you to know, YOU are the one who has traveled this road and YOU are the one who should be proud of your successes. Your H has followed your lead. Be proud Sandy... be very proud!!
That's great!!! Let us know how the weekend goes. Also, give us a peek into your head and the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing if you don't mind. Let us try to break them down and offer our experience with suggestions on what to expect moving forward.
Thanks for checking on me. I have been hesitant to post..
Things appear to be going very well with hubby and I. But, again I say appear..because will I really ever know what is in his head?
We are good together and good friends..always have been. So, when we are together, everything seems right and feels natural.
We had our weekend out of town where we took the kids to the ocean. We had a fantastic time. It was great to give the kids a positive memory! I even had a talk with my 14 y/o....( she always said things felt wierd around dad now) I think she is softening up and enjoying being around Dad also... not as much tension for her... I think he is reestablishing a bond with her. Not that it was really broken..but she struggled with all the emotions I had over the affair and doesnt like turmoil..just wants it all to go away.
So, coming back after a fun filled family weekend was hard for me to just say goodbye..and him go to his house... I feel like I never know if that was it...I'll wake up Monday morning and get a Im done call..ugh.
Then last weekend was his 40th birthday... We went out with friends on Friday..his bday and had a great time. I actually stayed home from work Sat.. we spent the day together..as a family.. took the kids to the park. He stayed all weekend again..felt just like it should.. like old times.
Sunday I worked.. He did all the yardwork with the kids..then went golfing. When I got home from work I cooked up a BBQ and we had a great cookout with friends when they were done golfing.
Seems trivial..but these are things we always did in the past.. Very nice.
I think for me.. I struggle with the unknow of if there is contact with OW. I had asked him to block her number from his cell after her last psycho rant and texting to me..
He did get frustrated with me ..said why bother..she knows both his work cell number and his work land line number..so why am I pushing that issue. Plus I have no access to his phone anymore.. he gets his own bill. I know for him this is a control issue.
He is in his own apartment to take control of his life..not go back and forth from me to her...
So, what do I do? I have no proof..just have to trust..he tells me its his job to make all that go away. So do you think he is nice to her..does she call every now and then? I personally dont think she deserves to be able to call him..cry..bitch him out..or whatever she does. (I know for a fact she screams and bitches at him..my employees hear her on the phone..and come tell me..you should hear her screaming at your husband! How humiliating!)
We are making great progress... he did tell me yes he was in love with me..I had to ask..after being told..i love you but im not in love with you..you do wonder..
I hope those are truthful words.. I do worry that its the package..house kids wife that he likes... I want him to only want to be working on us because he cant live without ME. Is that an ok want?
What progress am I looking for to feel secure? What are we lookin for to be healed? How will we know he wont do this again? How long will we live seperate? I dont want to live seperate..we are a family and should be in the same home.
I guess I look for a sign of closure of all the negative crap.. I think the answers to alot of my anxiety are within his head.. I still feel maybe he is holding something back..because if its his job to make her go away..isnt she gone..? ya know what I mean. Im sure he told her he loved her..but he has told me he does not love her... how could he..lol I read on here how if your patient..the OW will burn their own bridge..well she has..she is crazy... has called the cops on him..screams and yells and tried to control him...hehe She is a child with low self esteem..always making poor decisions! Again.. I am putting alot of faith and trust into the man I love..I hope to not get screwed again. My heart cant take it. He tells me all day every day he loves me.. I do like to hear it...
Trying to stay patient..
ill be back later..gotta run my daughter to school
There is a great website www.marriagebuilders.com that deals with reconciliation after an affair. Check it out.
I believe his attempts this time around are genuine. I'm sure in his head he is saying he is done with the OW, it was a bad decision, he is ashamed, etc... But he also needs to realize the damage he has done to the trust in your M. This is where the full discloser and transparency come into play. If you request he block her from his cell.. He should do it, simply to show he understands it is what YOU need to heal from this.
Form your post you have a ton of unanswered questions in your head and it is as normal as can be. I strongly suggest you go the site I mentioned and simply read the content, it will give you insight into the healing path you are on. Just like DB, there are highs and lows to the reconciliation process. The more you know about it, you have the ability to anticipate and understand the twists and turns of the journey. The knowledge lessens the emotional burden you carry from his affair. Take the time and learn what you can. It truely helps.
Thanks for checking back in. I keep my time on DB limited to one situation. For some reason, yours is it, can't tell you why. Regardless, it's good to hear the positive steps coming out of your efforts! Keep it up, keep posting and the DB'ers here will help where we can.
Thanks.. I have been to that site before..did some rereading this morning. I do have the his needs her needs book .. I have so many books..always trying to read and understand!
Our home printer doesnt work..so I sent my hubby the web address and asked him to print the emotional needs questionaire and a copy for both of us to fill out..he did!
I know you are not the most prolific poster on the boards but, you have been able to accomplish a reconciliation with your H and that is HUGE!!! As you know, when we first come here we all look for signs of hope. You and your story are one of those examples. If you can find the courage to assist others they would be forever greatful.
You have a gift to share with all who come here! You are a success story in the DB world!!
Hubby and I have been spending all our time together.. great family time. He says he is 100% in to making things work...my only hesitation and doubt is..I dont feel he goes out of his way to reassure me he is not thinking of her or contact with her is over... his phone is never anywhere in sight..
If I was in his shoes.. I would put it on the counter...out in the open..i think i am reading too much into stuff but.. his phone was his beginning of cheating with her..so I will hold onto that doubt until he proves other wise..
We have not had our joint counseling yet..I know that will help.
I never really have been able to understand or get into his head on what REALLY happened...what he REALLY felt with her...
I know its not about her..its about him... but I still have to see her every day..its a constant reminder that at some point I was not good enough..
It drives me crazy..cuz she actually is nasty..plain.. scrawny... and absolutely no personality..like a noodle! I know the women here will understand how that feels...
Ugh.. its just a hard pill to swallow... all I can do is hope ..
So, he pays rent on the 1st.. he says he will be giving his 20 day notice. Financially ..we are screwed... but money and credit dont really mean [censored]..lol if we can keep our house..we can pay cash for anything we need.
We make good money.. just now deeply in debt over all this.
I am in 100% to work on this..just deep down.. hope I am not settling for him settling..does that make sense? I just want to be loved.. but can he love me the way I need?
He feels I am losing my patience.. but this has drug out so long... I just need normalcy and for it to all be over.. can we get back what we once had? The trust ?
For the most part... I try not to think about it..but sometimes it is hard...
Sorry I skipped around so much... this whole thing gets me crazy!
