It's been a long time and i'm not really sure where i fit in... I'm not a newcomer, i haven't been for a long time, but i'm not technically seperated and not divorced... this is probably the most appropriate place for me, but i'm not sure... oh well!
long story short, M sucked. H was emotionally abusive. Critical and jealous and paranoid. i was lonely, sad broken and quiet about it. I'm not in love with H so suddenly, H wanted a D... then i had an EA... then H changed his mind, but i didn't stop EA until he found out about it. I was an almost WAW.
We were going to work on it. things go from bad to semi-ok, to worse, to even worse, to ok, to bad again. I have no feelings/love left for him. He gets a GF, more of a friend with benefits. That ends abruptly. H wants to work it out. ok, we'll try. the BS never changes.
He's the same man he has always been, but i've changed. Now i've asked for a D. Not to get a reaction or hurt him, but because it's been a long time coming and i know it's whats best for everyone (maybe not him, he had it pretty good).
We still live together and kinda have a weird friendship thing going on. H is trying desperately to win me back, it's a lost cause. i've told him that and he doesn't seem to care. He's amazing for a couple weeks, but now we are fighting every day again. Over stuff that doesn't even matter because this is over... I'm just done fighting and arguing. he's not going to change, he'll try for a minute, but not long term. i need that.
In the last 11 years, he's all i've known. All i've known is the fighting, the arguing, the hatred, the bitterness... For so long i let things go because of the girls or because i didn't want to see him hurt or because i was scared. I'm not scared anymore. i'm strong, i'm a good mom and a good woman. He realized it too late and obviously doesn't really even care.
So, here i am, back at the DB threads... I guess just wanting to hear from people that are going through it too, that it'll all work out. I want to read stories that might help me through this... it's my decision, it's the right one, but that doesn't make it an easy process...
I never wanted this for my marriage and i busted my butt to try and prevent this, but there is only so much i can do alone.
I hope everyone else here is finding happiness...
take care ann
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
I think your husband wants to change, but he doesnt really know how. and how to stick to it.
On your part, you actually appreciate to some small degree that he is "trying"... but you are discoraged by the backsliding and lack of results.
This is exactly what marriage counselling is for, right?
yeah i know your husband said he wont do that stuff. but its probably the only thing that will work for him.
you say he has been desperately trying to win you back, but you're tired of trying things.
So.... stop trying, and just tell him this:
"If you are TRULY SERIOUS about winning me back, then go to a marriage counsellor, and do what they tell you to do. Every [week/2 weeks], for 3 months. Then I'll see how I feel again".
If he's serious about wanting you back, he will do it.
If he refuses, then kick his half-assed ass, to the curb with no regrets.
How does that sound?
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
<<I never wanted this for my marriage and i busted my butt to try and prevent this, but there is only so much i can do alone.
This is EXACTLY my story.
I'm so glad you're not scared. I'm so glad to hear you say that you're a good woman and a good mom.
Things will be okay. They will get better, & you will be allright.
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Ann, Just read some of your thread. Want to say, my M hasn't been so long as yours and our stitch is so different, but what I hear the same is this: I am tired of all the arguing. We tried MC, IC, and now are separated. Still arguing. I would like to know when it stops, but I suspect that it stops when you both figure out the changes needed. My thoughts are that M grow and change over time just like people do. During those changes, M can get stressed and if there is no growth, on one part or the other, it breaks down. Not that people have to D but they need to stop and evaluate what doesn't work between them anymore and start figuring out what does work. Lots of compromise and commitment. Problem in your stitch and others here is the role of dysfunctional patterns and whether or not the couple is committed to change. I also think that it is easier to bob and weave than to really be committed given all the pressures of our world. It is up to you to determine if there is commitment and change or not. I hear you saying that there is some of both, but it isn't working right? Can you describe exactly where you both are in this M?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I am working today, i took some time off to recoup and just enjoy some time with friends and my favorite little people (my babies). it was really good.
Thanks for all the responses...
Dom - HEY!! you found me again. Lucky Me!! (and i really mean that) We did 2 sessions of MC. I let H pick the C, so there couldn't be any complaints. He decided that it was a waste of time because basically the guy said that it's going to take a lot of time, not to mention hard work and there are no guarantees. DUH!!! anyways. he also said that while he would make every effort to help us save our marriage it is not a healthy environment as is it is now and we need to make changes. I went and have seen him an additional 2 times since, H has refused to come. i say "Fine". He is making his choice and i am making mine. I can't say that if he did counseling my feelings would change, but he is not even willing to give it a chance.
I'm done worrying about what he will and will not do. I've done that for too long. Whatever feelings i had for him at one point are completely gone anyways and i feel better for it. I sincerely appreciate all the help/advice you've given me. If anything, i'll be a better GF/W for it in the future for someone who will appreciate it!
SC - Thanks! i've read your threads so much. I was inspired by your strength and patience. Your heart and the ways you've tried to encourage others. As much as i'm not happy that your sitch has gotten to this place, i'm happy to see you here and happy. Marriage doesn't have to be like that. It just doesn't. I was reading your thread and saw about the bank stuff and just laughed. my H is checking our accounts multiple times a day and questioning every purchase... Really, like $4 at the gas station is me trying to slowly get his money (1/2 of which is mine) i just laugh now. He can stress about what he wants...
T - long time no talk. Thank you for stopping by, it will take some time for me to catch up, but I'll be around! The girls are absolutely fantastic. They have gotten so big so fast and the baby is learning so much from her big sisters. I'm consistently amazed at the lessons i can learn from such tiny little people. I have been sooooo blessed by them. How are things in your neck of the woods?
Kassie - Thanks! I don't think the arguing stops until one person stops arguing back... then it's just person yelling at the other. at some point, the yelling stops or you walk away.
Basically, i haven't felt anything for my husband in a few years. i take that back, lots of negative things, like hatred and disgust, but nothing positive like love or respect. There was a long time where i chose to love him. i wasn't in love, but i chose to love him and treat him lovingly and be the things a wife is supposed to be. I tried being firm with him, telling him what i needed and telling him when i didn't get it. I tried being gentle with him and understanding as i know he was going through a hard time... now, i'm just done. I am happy when i'm not around him. I play with my girls, i work hard and i take a couple nights a month for "Ann Time". He is living in this little world of negativity. If at some point, he decides to step out of that and join me, i'd be willing to consider that, but right now. I'm detached, i'm happy and i'll be ok. It doesn't always feel like that, but today it does!!
Today, all is well in my little world. Life is still crazy and i'm sure it will continue to be that way, but i'm handling it better, i'm not stressed about it. For once, i'm not letting the things he does or say hurt me and that's working for me.
on a side note: my birthday is in a month. I'm not sure what i'm going to do, but it will be a celebration. Normally, every year it gets overlooked because something else is always more important. Not this year, but i'm not sure what to do.
THANK YOU ALL!!!
take care ann
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
hi Ann! Glad you gave an update... and REALLY glad, that you seem to be in a more balanced state of mind. Nice to hear you'll be focusing on YOU for your birthday for once, too!
I think it's really interesting that your husband went to not one, but TWO MC sessions. I think that says something positive about him, even though it may not seem like it. MC isnt just about "going to a counsellor". it's finding the right one for you. And just because "he picked it", doesnt make it the right one "for him". he probably just picked it out of a hat
Some things that I have noticed, over the past 3 years
There are differing attitudes for types of MC, from both the counsellor, and the counselled.
On the counsellor side; some counsellors have the perspective that your current one does, of "oh, well, it's all very fuzzy and fluid, and 'there are no guarantees', but there's a good deal of hope". Then there are counsellors with the perspective of, "Here is a specific dynamic between married couples, that is effective. If you stick with 'the plan', you will have a great marriage".
On the couples side, there are some people who think "MC's are just trying to push their views on me. Anyone who tells me I have to do it *their way*, is an idiot/bad counsellor/no one i want to talk to". Then in contrast, there are some people who think, "Oh ....., they just want us to 'talk about our feelings', blah blah blah, this is a total waste of time; it will never lead any where!"
There's probably more than just the two attitudes on each side but hopefully this shows off the idea that there is a pairing that works, and there is a pairing that doesnt work, for both types of attitude.
Sounds like your husband might appreciate being matched up with an MC of the more "concrete plan" style.
(ironically, your current one, sounds like he is the best for you personally, Ann. Which is fine for you. but if you wish to get your husband interested in going himself, I might suggest a different one for him to see)
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
He has decided that he was right all along and that MC is just stupid. He has a combination of the 2 ideas above that all MC is is talking about your feelings and then having someone else tell you how you should be. H is unwilling to try with another MC. I tried to get him to look for one, I've said I'll look for one. I was impressed when i made the second appt. and he said that he'd be there
We actually did a lot of research online about who we saw... we narrowed a long list down to one and went with it. I told him we could try to see someone else, someone with a different approach, he didn't care. to him, they are all the same and won't help.
Oh well. i can't get upset anymore cause he isn't doing what I'd like him to do.
today after work, i'm taking the babies to chuck e cheese. i've invited H as i know the girls would love to have him there, but whether he comes or not doesn't really matter to me. we are going to have fun.
Just another day in the neighborhood...
take care ann
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
