What's next???? The adventure continues!!!

[Mellenmack]

Next time she calls and says she is six minutes out, I would either tell her you are out or tell her you don't want her to stop by.

It would just be interesting to see what she says when you say you'd rather she didn't stop.

Remember, you want it RIGHT, not RIGHT NOW.

Melissa

[marriedCrazy]

AFWAW, Melissa has added something that is pertinent.

I'm not at my W's beck and call. I do make her wait and I don't jump just because she asks. My life is mine; and when she fits into it for a convo, I listen. I'm just not available all of the time.

Usually we have our convos if she's over to see the kids. This only happens approx. 2 times per month. So it's not like we're conversing in-depth every day. I still practice the short phone calls, I try to end them first, and I never initiate a call unless it's financially or children related.

[AFWAW]

All right, I'll give it a try. What the hell, I don't have anything to lose, it's not like she can leave me again.

[AFWAW]

I think the big thing for me at this point is not to overreact to what's going on. I tend to celebrate too quickly when something good happens(my date and the I still love you and don't want a divorce) to the bad stuff(ordering furniture and saying stuff like I don't think I'm going to move home at this point. It is difficult because I am an emotional person. I think the wife is still confused or fogged as Puppy puts it. I will wait as I love her very much but I really hope she hits bottom quick and makes her decision in my favor as it is painful for me and I don't like to be kept guessing. Worked out this morning and ran. A little more focused at work this morning but still thinking about my wife. I miss her very much. Hope everyone else is having a good day.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Smart thinking. It's still a roller-coaster, but with work and practice, you CAN lessen the hills and drops.

Puppy

[dburt]

I did not have a timeframe, once I realized there is nothing at the time that can change her mind. She is in a fog, she must see through that and that takes time. It is much easier for her to see a disirable you, when you are having a great life, and that she might be missing out.

When I started going to the gym, going to Friday evening social events without her, and being cordial and friendly when speaking with her and not wanting, needy, or smothersom that is when things started to turn around.

My wife and I still have a long way to go, but once you finally get that let go attitude and keep it, that is when she will notice what she is missing.

I told myself I would not give up on my marriage because of my children, therefore I did not put a timeline on R recovery. I suggest for your D alone, do not put a timeline on this, it may very well not work out, but I think if you follow the suggestions of DB'ing that it will.

Dave

[AFWAW]

I see what you are saying. It will be tricky however as I may be forced to move this year at some point. Therefore, my wife's hand will basically be forced. I don't want to give up on my marriage and will not file unless something changes. I do need to let go--that is the really hard part, is it not? How did you get the strength and courage to do so? Weren't you fearful that it would backfire?

[DrHemlock]

AF, I've heard that month:year algorithm, too. For me that means 18 months. And I hear you, brother -- 18 months (or 15 for you) is a dayumn looooooonnnnng time. And I look at that and I think there's no way I'll make it through. And what's happening during those 18 months? She's out dating, whatever, and I'm taking care of the children.

Then I think to myself -- I deployed to Iraq for 15 months. And this is someone I've known for half of my adult life.

Okay, maybe 18 months isn't so bad.

[AFWAW]

Yeah, I feel for you. At least mine isn't dating that I know of. Matter of fact, she updates me on what's she's doing most of the time. That coupled with the fact that said she still loves me, has expressed regret about the way she left, admitted that she deserves to be put through the wringer, told me that if she came back I couldn't hold it over her head and doesn't want a divorce make it clear to me what she should do--move back in so we can put this behind us and build a marriage that we want. However, the fact that she is in a lease for a year, has two years left for her tour here,keeps making comments about how great it is to clean, cook, etc for one and as an added bonus, she keeps buying furniture for her apartment makes me think that she could be gone for a while. I wish I knew the thing to say or do which would sway her over to coming home. Unfortunately, I don't so I'll have to continue to try to work on me. I still continue to hope and pray that she does not enjoy the simple single life of living alone and comes back! Other than wait and relaxing, I don't know what else to do.

She tried to suck me into an argument last night when she was over. She asked something to the effect of "Do you find it easier to keep things cleaned now that I'm not here"? I asked what she meant. She said you know, my leaving stuff lying around. I told her I actually hadn't sat down to ponder that. I must have said it in an unfriendly manner--unintentional on my part, as she departed the room rather quickly after that and went to talk to my daughter. She did however stop to kiss the top of my head from behind when she left. Did she have to do this? No Do I think she still has feelings for me? I think so and hope so. The real question is, Will she have the courage, strength and determination to move back home as she has committed a lot to her current decision--telling her work, getting an apartment, etc. In my experience, some people will not reverse their decision about something, no matter how drastic or wrong it may be as they don't want to look or be made to look stupid. I certainly hope this is not the case in my wife's. Everyone I know hopes that we can work this out. The only person that I know that may have influence the other way is her friend who is in the process of getting a divorce. Hopefully, she is unsuccessful in her attempts to enable my wife's behavior subsequently destroying my marriage.

[confusedinpa]

AF, I've heard that month:year algorithm, too. For me that means 18 months. And I hear you, brother -- 18 months (or 15 for you) is a dayumn looooooonnnnng time.

So that means it would be 9.5 months for me (unless it's the together time, then its 11 months)! I wonder if that clock starts counting from when she filed for divorce (Jan 9th) or when she actually moves out (which she said is soon).