What's next???? The adventure continues!!!

[AFWAW]

Ok, just got off the phone. Kept it light and asked how her day was. She said good and talked about what a good time she had on our date yesterday and like how we didn't argue any. She complimented me on how my daughter minded me and said we were a good match--yes I read into that that's she's trying to justify staying away for now at least--crap! Anyway, I didn't stay on long and I ended the call. I still am very wary. I don't know how long this will go on for. I hope not too long. I really miss her and want her to come home--duh! Like everyone keeps saying, patience! I know, I know. I'll keep praying and trying to be patient.

[JDOllie]

Yep, call, but call 5-10 minutes before you have to leave or do something, so you can be honest about it.

[AFWAW]

Couldn't sleep much last night as I kept thinking about the wife. Kept going over in my mind interactions on the date and from the phone call. A couple of things stuck in my mind that lead me to believe she is still struggling with what to do. During our phone call, I had mentioned that my D and I had put down some mulch and she commented that she would have loved for me to help her put some down in the previous years? Ok, I can remember one year when she did the landscaping and the rest of the years I helped. That really doesn't matter. What matters is she's still looking at negative stuff from our past and using it to support what she is doing. I didn't argue with her, I just said I know when she mentioned it. I really hope she can get past this negative stuff from the past and that she doesn't enjoy living alone. I really, really am nervous about that. She has made numerous comments about how simple things are with regard to living alone. Laundry, cooking, cleaning are all aparently a snap. That coupled with the ability to watch tv at 2am if you want to are also a plus for her?

I really hope that she can get past this stage in her life fairly quickly and decides to come home. This is really tearing me up. I have never wanted something more or been more anxious in my life. The days are getting a little easier but I still think about her probably 95% of my day so I'm not as productive as I want to be. Anyway, keep your fingers crossed for me and keep me in your prayers, please!

[PortlandDad]

She is thinking about you and the R, you can be assured of that. It is still really early in her independent phase and she is trying to get a feel for what it is like. Of course she is going to mention the positives: she wants you to believe that everything is roses with what she is doing. In much the same way you are telling her about the stuff you are doing, too.

Think about it this way: if one of her strongest positives for the separation is that she can watch TV at 2am unhindered, then she is really reaching for positives!

My prayers are with ya man, keep doing what you are doing.

[AFWAW]

Just got a phone call from the wife. Not a good one in my book. She talked about cleaning her place and how she just ordered a bedroom set for my daughter. We started talking about the relationship and she said I have to honest, at this point I don't want to come back. Oh dear God, why can this woman not make up her mind? If she is ordering a bedroom set for my daughter that seems like she's digging in for a while. This hurts so bad. Stupid me, I asked why she wouldn't come home and give it a try. I am so miserable I just don't know what to do. How do people get through this? This is so freaking painful, I just don't know what to do now. Dammit!!!!!!! Why can't I control these emotions? Why does she keep changing her mind? Why won't she come home? I cannot be this woman's friend and pretend like this.

[PortlandDad]

My brother, I feel for you. It's called a roller-coaster for a very good reason, and it hurts like the dickens when you've had a string of good days and good outcomes, and then you get the bad day, or the backslide. It really does take time, and in most cases I've read about, it can take a long time. The problems in you M didn't pop up overnight, and they won't go away overnight, either.

I know you've had some very good days lately, and had some very promising events, but don't give up on your DB principles! You need to concentrate on yourself and your D right now, no matter what happens with your W. You were making some great strides in that direction, remember?

Lay off of the R talks. When she wants to talk to you, just listen and validate. Keep up the 180s and GAL activities: they will make you feel better.

I know how painful it is to watch the woman you love build an independent life away from you. Listening to them talk about the bedroom sets, the kitchen sets, getting cable and internet hooked up at the apartment, every one of those things seems so permanent and so painful to the LBS. I'm definitely in your shoes right now, too.

Strength. Detach and GAL. Be strong for your D.

[AFWAW]

Thanks very much. I don't know how long I can put up with this yo-yo attitude though. I was getting better but caught myself backsliding. This house seems so empty without her. One of the things I did recognize today is that she seems to want to tell me about her day but doesn't want the whole package. I don't want to give her just part. Do I cut her off? Or do I let her keep yanking me around? I know there's a fine line in there somewhere, I just don't know where it is and how long I can put up with this. It's too damn confusing and too damn frustrating especially when there seems to be no one else. This woman just wants to be alone. Detachment, detachment, detachment. ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

[davidswife]

Have you tried going dark?

It might help you and in the process, make her wonder.

dw

[marriedCrazy]

My W has been on her own since last September; and it was only last month that she started mentioning the positive things about our M. So patience is the key.

All the advice posted above will help see you through. Hang in there.

[AFWAW]

I would but for my daughter. I just wish she would make up her mind. It's just so up and down. I did kind of make myself not available and that led to our groundbreaking moment of I still love and I don't want a divorce and our subsequent date, etc to today's I don't want to come home at this point. So, I guess to keep my heart from getting broken again and again and to avoid riding the roller coaster maybe I should be unavailable to her and just let me daughter answer the phone from now on. I know I'll eventually have to talk with her, it's just so damn infuriating that she is doing this with the intention of being alone but she still wants to call me and give me the low down on her days to include the noisy neighbors(duh, you moved from a house to an apartment, you're going to have noisy people right next to you), dogs barking and crying to the positives of how easy it is to clean. I am not a yo-yo yet I keep letting myself become one. So, I will do my best to try to go dark--maybe that will work. At the very least, if I'm not exposed to her then I won't have another emotional breakdown.