Smartcookie.

[Forrest Gump]

"You don't have all the information. You can't know what my goals are from the little I'm posting here."

Everybody keeps telling me.. I don't have the info. And yet.. I can't get any info from you. Now maybe I am a bit "emotional" about that. But I have come "under fire" for giving.. too little info. Now I have always stated.. just ask. I will do my best to give you a picture. So.. give me a picture. Give me something I can get behind.

"I'm still posting because I think I have some knowledge & experiences that inspire me to write & touch peoples lives."

And why do you think.. I am still here "fighting you"?

"I'm not "hiding" in my room. I'm sorry that you take one sentence from one night & assume it's how I'm living my life. Maybe I was clumsy in the way I wrote about that night."

One might say you reacted "Emotionally" to something that was said.

"Doc is the best therapist I've ever had. I've made more progress with him than anyone else to date. Why in the world would I fire him ?"

Your Doc makes me ponder what is best for you. The words you pick.. The things you point out. I could be absolutely wrong and this is the best path for you. So like Tomato.. I am surprised by it. My walk "here" has taught me.. to just make a mess of it.. and see what happens. I did not want to do this.. but it just made sense. You are a god around here by the way.
It was not meant to fight you.. yet draw you out. And maybe I accomplished that. Who knows.

"When I first came here, we seemed to communicate well. I was lost, lonely & scared. I'm not even close to that anymore. I am fine all by myself."

We still do. Does not matter what you were then.. and what you are now. What is odd is you think I am attacking you and your choice. That is not what it is about. The goal then.. just as it is now.. is to get you to "speak up". That "goal" will make you shine.

"I hear that you think I'm lashing out & have walls up. Quite the opposite. I'm more alive than I've ever been."

Show me.

I will ask the question.. Why do you feel more alive.. than you ever have been?

"You can continue to post if you want."

I feel like I have already gone down that road.

"I just would ask that you respect my choices & my decisions."

Respect them.. yes. Disagree with them.. to a point.

"I have a thousand reasons why this is the right decision. I sure don't have the time or energy to justify my choice here. Nor do I need to."

.....

[smartcookie]

allright Cory, just like old times, here we go


<<Everybody keeps telling me.. I don't have the info. And yet.. I can't get any info from you.

What more can I say. I've posted threads & threads trying to explain what it's been like to be in this marriage. My H is a taker. I am a giver. He is self-absorbed. I am other absorbed. I put my kids first. He puts himself first. He defines success by how many hours he works at a job. I define success by how much I learn & how much I love. He's controlling, domineering, chauvanistic, & wants to be treated like a King in his castle.

I want a partner. I want someone who will be kind, & compassionate with me. I want someone to share my day with & hear about his day, & his dreams. I want someone who will tell me his biggest fears, & know that it's safe to do so. I want to be taken care of, & I'll take care of him. Lodo really started it when he asked me if I had ever laid on the floor all night long talking to H about our dreams & goals & wishes. We never had. I want that. H wont do that.

<<Now maybe I am a bit "emotional" about that. But I have come "under fire" for giving.. too little info.

But that's you. You can't compare oranges and apples. I have given so many details that most people can't even read it all.

<< Now I have always stated.. just ask.

so ask a specific question.

<< I will do my best to give you a picture. So.. give me a picture.

Cory, for goodness sakes, how many picture have I drawn here ??

<<Give me something I can get behind.

I thought you would be behind me because of our friendship. I thought you would support me because of you knowing where I came from and how far I've progressed and how hard I've "done work".

<<And why do you think.. I am still here "fighting you"?

I don't want to fight you. If you want to know something ask. I'm done trying to convince anyone how bad it has been for me.

<<One might say you reacted "Emotionally" to something that was said.

Sure. I am an emotional person. That's how I roll. It's also a very emotional time for me. I'm making a choice that will always affect my children. I've struggled with this for years. I know it's the right thing to do. That doesn't mean it's easy and that I'm not going to be very emotional right now.

<<Your Doc makes me ponder what is best for you. The words you pick.. The things you point out. I could be absolutely wrong and this is the best path for you.

You are wrong. This is one of those things where I've spent months & months working with Doc. You've got to trust me to make my own choices.

<<So like Tomato.. I am surprised by it. My walk "here" has taught me.. to just make a mess of it.. and see what happens. I did not want to do this.. but it just made sense.

Maybe with most people that makes sense. I am not most people. Making a mess here causes me to want to get away from the negativity of all the arguing. I have a finite amount of emotional energy. If I drain myself here, trying to clear up the mess, I can't be available to myself, & my kids. We come first, my friends 2nd, this place falls under hobbies.

<<You are a god around here by the way.

No, I'm just a woman with a lot of life experience, who has read a lot, & listened to cassette seminars & can teach the information I've learned.


<<It was not meant to fight you.. yet draw you out. And maybe I accomplished that. Who knows.

Whatever your intention, I wanted away from the negative energy.

<<We still do.

I don't think we've been communciating for a while. Whatever you meant to do, it caused me to be very uncomfortable, & just want to avoid it all together.

<<Does not matter what you were then.. and what you are now.

It does matter. I am a different person. What worked back then to get me to shine, won't work now. I shine when I want to. Not when someone tries to poke me into shining. make sense ?

<<What is odd is you think I am attacking you and your choice. That is not what it is about.

I do remember you saying several times that my choice was wrong. How else would I feel about that comment ?


"I hear that you think I'm lashing out & have walls up. Quite the opposite. I'm more alive than I've ever been."

<<Show me.

Did you read the aquarium description ? Did you read where I was high on life just from walking the other day. Did you read where I'm singing in my kitchen ? Did you read where I'm going out with friends, socializing again, & spending more time with my kids just doing simple things like playing monopoly...... I posted all this.

I will ask the question.. Why do you feel more alive.. than you ever have been?

because I know now that I am experiencing life at a deeper, richer level than I ever have. I believe there is an opportunity for me to love fully & completely. I could never love like that with H. He's incapable of the depth of love that I am capable of. He's unwilling to face his biggest fear, & get in touch with his deepest self. I've done that. I've rescued my wounded, vulnerable inner child. I love myself completely. H can't love himself. It exudes from his every pore that he is lost, miserable, & not willing to admit it.


"I just would ask that you respect my choices & my decisions."

Respect them.. yes. Disagree with them.. to a point.

Disagree is fine. I don't for one second expect everyone to agree with me. I sure don't expect to be antagonized though. I meant when I said, I get antagonized enough at home, I won't put up with it here.