Hi, I have found many of the postings helpful on this website. I am "new" to DB, have read the book and am trying to apply some of the principles. Here is my story.....
H and I have been married for 19 years. Literally, I thought we were the happiest couple. We have a S18 and D15. Everything was going fine until I noticed after Thanksgiving that my husband was starting to become more and more distant. We own a construction business together, and previously we spoke on the phone literally 10 times a day...sometimes just to chat. We were very close. Starting the first week of December, he stopped calling during the work day. I would call and leave a message (or multiple messages....I know...pathetic) and would maybe get a callback 4 hours later. So, I decided that it was too painful for me to await his returned calls so I stopped calling during the workdays unless there was a true business reason to call. I found out that one of our clients was getting divorced the week before Christmas. This is when things started to "click" in my mind. This client who we have been working on house plans for for close to a year and we were very near starting the project up and left her husband. The husband insisted he wanted us to continue on with the project, but then my H made a unilateral decision to drop the project. Without even discussing with me. My suspicion is that he has been having an affair with the female client. Reasons for my suspicions are that starting over Thanksgiving, she had text messaged him while we were on vacation, he started to workout like a fiend often twice a day, started wearing designer underwear (seriously!), started being away from the house for longer periods of time on the weekends when he used to spend all of the weekend time with our family. When he would be away, he would say he was playing tennis (with a guy friend that I don't know or have never met) or mountain biking or hiking alone. It is hard for me to buy that, but he insisted he is not seeing anyone.
His behavior has changed to me in such a radical way....I have a hard time remembering that we used to be so comfortable in each other's presence. Now when we spend time together, it feels strained. I don't want to talk about work, can't talk about our future because he thinks we don't have one, so we talk about the kids. He rarely initiates conversation. I would say he is polite, but very disinterested.
I confronted him on 2/15 about OW. I found a notecard with her initial on the envelope. He said the card was for me but didn't give me that one because he made a mistake on the envelope. Am I an idiot? But I need to backup, the way I found the card/envelope was I searched his truck while he was out. I can't believe I did this, and now he knows I did this. So, later that day I confronted him, he denied, denied, denied. But said that he has had a problem with me for 20 years for not initiating sex more. I have never ever refused any advances he has made towards me. EVER!!! He had mentioned my lack of initiating sex maybe once or twice over the course of our marriage but nothing recently so I was blown away and find it hard to believe that his change in attitude toward me is to do with that. So....he has concluded that he wants to leave because he thinks that two problems can never be fixed. 1) I never initiate sex, and even if I started to, it would seem fake now. 2) I don't trust him.
He says he doesn't plan to go anywhere soon, and we want to wait until the kids are out of school. We are not telling anyone, so I feel VERY ALONE and fake when out with friends and our family. I want more than anything to have the man I married back. Not this shell of a person who is still living here in body but not here in spirit.
Life around our house has been so strange. He has slept in our bed maybe half of the nights since 2/15. We have been intimate at least 8 times, I have initiated and have tried new things. But usually the next day he seems even more distant and then I get more upset but am trying to be upbeat, cheerful, you know...180.
Since he said I never initiated, I have been trying that but for the last two nights he has rejected my advances and seems even more distant. So now I don't know if I should backoff (maybe I am being too needy) or keep trying? I am so confused. Tonight he is on the couch again.
Advice or comments are much appreciated! I have lost 25 pounds since all of this started. Can't eat and having trouble sleeping. I started seeing a therapist (he doesn't know) and I go to the gym everyday which helps.
Thanks for finding this place and sharing your situation. *hugs*
Congratulations on listening to your bull$hit meter, paying attention to his changes and facing your fears.
Your spouse is in charge of his actions. You cannot control them. You CAN take ownership of yours.
Make positive changes for you.. if they happen to be ones that remove the negative for him, even better.
You're worth it..
*hugs* His behavior compels you to do uncharacteristic things.. like searching through his truck, etc. If something seems that drastically wrong.. something IS.. whether it is an affair or not.
Work on you. Sorry to hear the weight loss has been stress related but congratulations and good job on going to the gym! Seeing a counselor is great, too.
thanks gypsy....helps talking to someone....even if anonymously! Today is my son's 18th birthday. We are ALL going to breakfast to celebrate. Hard to find happiness in much of anything these days but will keep plugging along.
Abby, I hate to say it, but sometimes a cheating spouse will act distant following ML with their own spouse because they feel like they are actually "cheating on" their OW/OM.
I think the evidence is pretty obvious anyway. PLEASE be safe and protected if you continue to ML to your husband!!!
Thanks Puppy.....I thought of that....that maybe he feels like he is cheating on OW (if there is one!). I think there is. My gut says there is, but he denies. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy because I WANT to believe he is telling the truth. I feel bad being suspicious....I am usually not that person!
Has anyone out there ever reconciled with a spouse who became instantly distant and non-interested in your life? I want to try to save my M but it all seems so one sided right now. I know the book says it may be that way and to be patient. That is hard! I even thought about calling a psychic. See...I am a bit crazy now!
No I have been calling psychics too, and was assured no third party. I'm so sorry for your torment. I refused to believe other posts that H was having an affair but he was. Just found out.
Oh I got blame because I moaned about shopping and once was snappy after my 13 hour shift when he picked me up.
Look, I'm a total wreck right now but I am concentrating everything I have not to become bitter towards him or ow. I know ow could have been anyone,
I'm not nearly ready to GAL or let go whatever but we must must must not let them make us crazy.
I don't think I'll ever trust someone with my heart ever again.
You keep posting. Keep thinking how great you are. I dodn't deserve this and nor do you.
Has anyone out there ever reconciled with a spouse who became instantly distant and non-interested in your life?
Don't do this. I did this...most of us did this. It's a waste of time.
Don't measure your willingness to work on your R against the success/failures of others.
While many (MANY!) situations have a LOT in common, no two are the same. No other R is the same as your R.
This site contains a wealth of information, but no one can give you a recipe for 100% success because it just doesn't exist. Don't get too caught up looking for answers to questions that cannot be answered.
Do your best with the tools you have available and forever know that you did so.
H: 38 W: 36 S: 8 S: 5 M: 16 Bomb: 8/25/08 OM: 9/21/08 EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...) Sep: 9/21/08 D Filed 9/23/08 My Situation
Hugs to you! I hate that you find yourself here. I've been where you are, and I know your pain! The best thing I can say is that things will get better...I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it will happen!
I can tell you that it took me a long time to realize that I couldn't do anything that might improve my marital situation as long as there was OW in the picture. I also know that I "knew" for a long time about OW even though I didn't admit it to myself or anyone else. When it became too obvious for me to deny any longer, I tried everything I could to "fix" things. And, I don't regret anything I did.
But, in the end, the only things that helped me were the things that got me out of the house; the things that I did just for Amy; the friends I forced myself to get to know better; working towards the goals I set for myself.
My marriage is nearly over, but, I now know that I deserve much better than my H has to offer...even more than he has offered for several years now. He's lost. I can't save him. He'll make his way, and maybe, he'll get what he's looking for. But, I know that I'll be okay!!!
Stick around. Post when you feel sad, lonely, angry, or even happy. You will continue to get support here as long as you post...I've been around for months and everyone still looks out for me!
I'll check back soon!
Love to you! Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
Hi Abby, welcome to our community. As you have been told, so many of the stories sound a lot alike but none of them are yours. Everyone here in this community does share something in common or we wouldn't be here. There are success stories, but most of them leave once their stitch has been healed and they get busy in their lives, so don't get discouraged and think that everyone loses. In fact, there is a forum devoted to the success stories that might encourage you to read it.
You gave the ages of your children but not you or your H. I am wondering if he my be in MLC. There is a forum that is just for that, also, if you want to read some of the threads, it may help you. Since it seemed to happen very suddenly and he couldn't even come up with a good excuse for his being distant, that would be my guess. BTW, you must be a terrific W if that is all he could find to complain about! But since you have initiated sex lately and he rejected you.....now what is his excuse for that??? I'm afraid I would have been rather nasty toward him since that was his only excuse and then he showed rejection?
Well, here's the thing. This is your life, Abby, and you can make it all about him (and I assure you that HE is going to make it all about him) or you can make your life about you and your children and family, friends, and things you love to do. I know you have made your life about him and the kids. I know that your M was you life. But for the sake of your life, you have got to change all of that beginning right now. Does this sound selfish? Probably. But, that is what you have to do in order to survive or he will pull you down and hold you down until you drown. So don't even "think" selfishness.....think "survival".
For an example, from now on, you call the shots about your life.......not him. Who gives him the right to decide when he will sleep in your bed and when he won't? Why does he get to decide if or when there is an love making? (This is just me.....not you....but he would either sleep with me all the time or none at all...and certainly not just when he wanted a booty call.) Like I said, that is me and not you, however, you may want to think of some boundaries and what you want them to be and how to handle it. That is just my opinion about having control over your own life instead of being is dog waiting for him to throw a bone.
Did he ask you if he could stay with you until the kids were out of school? I think you said he just told you, right? So, it sounds to me like he is making all the decisions around there but it affects your life, am I right about that? If it affects your life, then you most certainly have a right to speak up and say what will or won't be done concerning your life.
The most common problem that LBS have is one great biggy and no matter how much others try to tell them, they just won't seem to listen or turn lose or get their attention off that person they are M to long enough to see that we are right. That big problem is that all of their attention is focus on their spouse instead of themselves. They allow the moods of their spouse to dictate their day or how they are going to feel throughout the day and night. Why? Do no allow any person that power over you! Especially one that would be unfaithful to you. If there is one thing I know it is that nobody respects another person that allows people to walk all over them. That is why you must stand tall and strong and don't let him tell you how it is going to be and don't allow him to use you as a doormat b/c he will not have any respect for you one bit. Don't confuse what I am telling you with "unconditional love" b/c you don't even want to go there. I could, but I guess I'm not in the mood or too tired. I get kind of ticked off at people who let their spouses use them as gabage pails and refer to their lack of guts as "unconditional love". That is not meant to be offensive toward Christian living, but I don't look at it like that. If you want to know why, tell me and I'll explain next time.....lol. You might want to read Dr. James Dobson's "Tough Love".
It is your business and if you want to continue to have sex with him, it is up to you, but if you are trying to prove him wrong and show him that you can iniate sex......he will only find some other flimsy excuse to use. So, figure out what you what and how you want to go about doing this. And IF it is what you want to do, then fine, but don't allow him to stay and call all the shots while he is sleeping with another woman!
IMHO, I believe when a woman starts getting a life for herself, and just drops the rope with him, it gets his attention faster, but that may not be the route you want to go. If you decide you want to stay there with him under the same roof and you try to outshine the OW, you will have a very hard job ahead of you.....but it can be done. You just have to work very hard and have tons and tons of patience. He will break your heart, but if you belive you can do it and that you can become an exciting, spirited, self-confident woman that can hold her own with any other woman and believe that any guy with any sense would be thrilled having you for his, then I say go for it. B/c honey, that is what it will take for you to pull it off. This is not the time to be meek and mild! It will take more self-esteem and confidence than you every thought your could muster up.
If your H is going into MLC, then there will be more than just an affair with OW. There will be a change in everything about him and you will often think he is a stranger. You won't recognize anything about the man you married. This can last 3-5 years and some people say it can last even longer. I don't know, personally, but I do know there have been some that waited around and their spouse would end up marrying the OP anyway. Some are still hanging on--hoping. And, there have been some that were successful. I just want you to be sure of what you want, have a plan and don't enter into it blindly. Realize that it will take more strength and guts than anything you've ever done. This will be a time that you must stay focused on yourself and your kids and not him b/c he will change from day to day and it will seem like his emotions are like a roller coaster ride. Don't get on that ride with him. Don't buy into what he says or what he does. Just live your life and don't let him rule it for you.
I'll give you some time to think more about it and then get back to you. Oh, I do have a few tips I can leave with you to think about......if you decide you want to try to stick with it.
DO’S AND DON’TS FOR THE LBS:
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self-confidence. 8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 19.No matter what your emotions are TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. (Use balance here and don’t act like a fool trying to show “happiness”) This can confuse some of them (which is actually good) b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf. 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as being fake or applying pressure. 23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. Don't try to get your spouse to do the same. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 35.Do not send TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems or temptations easily arise. 37. NEVER LIE! When getting a life or trying to be mysterious...not lie in order to do be able to do it. You can be somewhat vague about what your plans are by not revealing all the details, but never even resemble lying to your spouse! Lying is not Dbing, so if you cannot carry out GAL on a particular time schedule without lying about what you are doing, then keep the trust and don’t lie to your spouse. 38. Do not keep company with the opposite sex. Do not turn to old friends of the opposite sex to talk to about your problems or just to hang out with them. This is not getting a life! This is not acceptable for a MR in trouble and could lead to you getting involved in an EA. If you cannot have your spouse present while you are with the friend of the opposite sex…..then you do not need to be with that friend. That includes any type of regular calls, emails, TM’s, etc., with friends of the opposite sex without the spouse present. You may not understand the seriousness, but it would be like pouring gasoline on a fire. 39. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
I know that's a long list, but hope it helps.
Take care, Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
{{{Abby}}} welcome to the board, tho I hate that you are here! Amy and Sandi are fantastic and I really can't add much to their words of wisdom!
I just wanted to let you know that I have been married for 20 years myself, my kids are 18 and 13, so I understand that part of what you are going thru!
You totally got great advice that the BEST things you can do are the things just for you, with no regard to how it will affect your husband or your marriage.
Please post on here as much as you need to. We are here if you need to vent, cry, be angry, need a laugh, or whatever!! Just know that, as alone as you felt, you aren't alone anymore!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
