Well, here I am

[lynn08]

After only being in newcomers for a short time compared to some other members, here I am with D approaching fast.

Mainly here to get support as I go through this D process.

Any of you familiar with my sitch may know that my H actually filed for D just 2 weeks after the bomb back in October 08. He has been jerking me around ever since and I got the papers in the mail in January. Everything changed and happened so fast. Still won't admit to an A, but I am 99% sure there is one going on. I will move it up to 100% when I actually have proof, or an admission, if either of those even happen. He changed his passwords to everything so fast, I never even had a chance to snoop. Which is fine, I feel like I know the truth in my heart.

I choose to pray for my M everyday as I know it is truly in God's hands. I for now, have chose to move forward with my life and for real this time. Not just saying it and then letting H walk all over me.

We have been physically separated for a month and a half. A lot of drama, going back and forth, I think I finally just reached my breaking point and I am letting him go. I am giving him what he wants. He is paying one last debt off tomorrow and once that clears I am sending in the D papers.

Its sad, but at the same time I AM looking forward to my future! I am about to finish school in 2 months, I have already had job offers, I have got a great group of friends and I attend a wonderful church. I choose to focus on the good in my life instead of my failing M.

For a while I felt like I was giving in, but I now see how badly he has treated me recently and its time to put my foot down. I cant stop the D, I cant change his mind..and he is the type that would ML with me and then 10 minutes later ask me if I have signed the D paperwork.

So, I join you all here for the good and bad days. Thank you for reading

[EnoughAlready]

Hi Jen,

I could feel your pain while reading your post, and I am so sorry..

You will be alright. From how you described your H, he's not that great of a guy, anyway, so GOOD RIDDANCE, right?

Cheer up. It will get better!

[lynn08]

Hi Jen,

I could feel your pain while reading your post, and I am so sorry..

You will be alright. From how you described your H, he's not that great of a guy, anyway, so GOOD RIDDANCE, right?

Cheer up. It will get better!

Thank you! I am doing much better then I was even a month ago, so at least that is progress! I know that my life will go on, and time will heal the pain.

And you are right. I can and will do much better someday. Now is a time to be by myself for a while as I have rediscovered who I am (like many of us here do). I see the advantages of living on my own already!

[MomInPain]

Jen,

Saw you checked in on me, thanks. (((JEN)))

You sound like you have made some big strides in the past couple of weeks. Good for you! I'm so proud.

I think at this point, all we really can do is pray for our H's or STBX H's. Whether it is for repentance or reconciliation it really is the only thing we can do.

It's been just over 3 months for me and the pain is still very fresh. Just as it is for you. I try to take that pain and use it to remind me to pray, but most of the time I just end up crying and feeling sorry for myself. lol. Don't be like me!

Take care of YOU and I'll visit again soon.

[still hopeful]

Letting go doesn't mean it's over...it just means you quit pining away and start to look at her as your EX wife. I've been where you are. I'm remarried to her, so I know there is hope...but it was just being open to possibility of reconciliation, without actually expecting it

This is a quote from Phoenixdeux to me on my thread. Do you anticipate still being open to the possibility...? All is not lost because the D is final.

[mlh78]

I can definitely relate to what you are going through... Not sure if I should dole out advice (think I’ve made every mistake in Michele’s books) so I’ll just stick to what I’ve learned and what has helped me get through my separation and eventual divorce.

-Standing up for your marriage and committment is admirable and displays real strength of character. Be proud of yourself.

-There is absolutely nothing you can say or do to convince him to change his mind. Just live your life and focus on yourself, friends, family, etc.

-If he is having an affair, he will not focus on you or your marriage. His attention is focused elsewhere so you could be giving him the formula to cure cancer and he will still be unaffected.

-Staying calm or “taking the high road” does not mean you are condoning his bad behavior (affair, opting for divorce, etc.). Even if “he has it coming,” anything you do to get back at him/hurt him will NOT make you feel better.

-Focus on yourself and the great things in your life – friends, job/school, activities, and family. Just because your marriage is ending/over, doesn’t mean the rest of the world stops. Friends and family still need support, job/school needs attention, pets need to be played with, etc.

-Avoid your stbx's drama as much as possible and don't bother snooping.

-The decision to reconcile (or not) should be made from a position of control and maturity - not desperation. If you allow him back into your life, do it because it is the right decision for you. If you decide to move on and start dating again at some point, do it because you are ready for a relationship and not because you want to “prove something" to your ex or to your well-meaning friends/family who want you to move on asap.

Hope my rambling helps!

[lynn08]

You sound like you have made some big strides in the past couple of weeks. Good for you! I'm so proud.

Take care of YOU and I'll visit again soon.

Aww thanks MIP I appreciate the kind words! and dont beat yourself up. I have made plenty of mistakes, and I still get emotional too. Its only natural and my C encourages me to feel the feelings and not ignore them, so in a way its part of your healing. It is a grieving process that is for sure!

I've been where you are. I'm remarried to her, so I know there is hope...but it was just being open to possibility of reconciliation, without actually expecting it

Thank you for sharing this with me. You are right- letting go doesn't mean that I do not care anymore. I will always feel open to reconciliation. I know it would take alot of work. Right now H still doesn't think he contributed anything negative into this M, so maybe once he gets over himself we could discover what went wrong we could go somewhere. For now though, I am happy that I am setting goals for myself and that I am able to make it through a day without completely losing it

[/quote]This is a quote from Phoenixdeux to me on my thread. Do you anticipate still being open to the possibility...? All is not lost because the D is final. [/quote]

Thank you! That is very helpful, I am glad you shared that with me

[lynn08]

-The decision to reconcile (or not) should be made from a position of control and maturity - not desperation. If you allow him back into your life, do it because it is the right decision for you. If you decide to move on and start dating again at some point, do it because you are ready for a relationship and not because you want to “prove something" to your ex or to your well-meaning friends/family who want you to move on asap.

mlh,
Thank you for the great tips. I think this last one is especially important as I have started to already experience and see the results of some of the other things you have mentioned. (especially about how I cannot do anything to change his mind)
I have to remember that everything I do, every decision I make needs to be based on me, and not what others want.

As funny as it sounds, I feel ready to face this D. Ill still have ups and downs, but I am trying hard to accept the fact that this will actually happen and I have started preparing for MY future. Ive always been so busy catering to H and our M, I forgot all about me.

And about dating: I have learned my lesson there and will take my time. My H is the product of a rebound. (when I met him I had just got out of a 6 yr R) and I rushed into marrying him and now see that I never really got a chance to get to know him. I was so heartbroken about my break up I thought being with someone else would solve that and well, now I see I was wrong! But now I know what to do

[lynn08]

So H came over last night to pick up his mail and whatnot, and he was just in a horrible mood! He was complaining how he is so tired because he is so stressed out with everything going on (work, school, and financial things pertaining to the divorce). He looked TERRIBLE. I never have seen him so tired and depressed looking.

I, on the other hand did not change my mood at all! I was very proud of myself. I kept a light cheery attitude because that is how I was feeling before he came over. I asked him one time if he was ok and if there was anything he wanted to talk about and he said no, so I left it at that and continued talking about how great school was going and everything for me (because, it is).

I had some flowers (beautiful red and white roses) sitting in the kitchen that my friend gave me after her wedding reception this weekend. He would never say anything normally but this time he said:
"Those flowers are really pretty. (yes he said "pretty") did you buy the vase too?"

I chuckled and said "No, I didnt buy those, they were given to me" (and proceeded to not tell him from who) lol. He didnt ask so I left him wondering.

When he left to go back to his moms I did not initiate a hug like I do. I said goodbye, hope he felt better later and I went on with my evening.

He called me on the way home to ask me some dumb random question. Felt like he wanted to say something else, but since he didnt, I told him I had to go because I was heading to bed.

He is draining to be around. Somehow I am sure he thinks its my fault for the way he is feeling which is hilarious.

I on the other hand am doing quite well. How do you think I did?

[lynn08]

p.s. Sent in the D paperwork today


funny thing is H asked me if I would send the signed papers to him first before I sent it back to his L. There was nothing for him to sign so I thought that was weird. I told him no, his L instructions were to sign and send in to him directly. Who knows.