Spring is (almost) here

[istherehope]

Hi,

I just wanted to post a quick update on my own sitch for anyone who remembers it. In fact it will probably not be much different from the last update, but I think there has been slow and steady progress made.

I have decided that I will not move to the piecing board, as I think for my own mental health, if and when I am more confident about my relationship, I will need to take a break from the boards for awhile. It is very difficult for me, even now, to look at situations that are similar to my own. I was in such a dark place, and sometimes even a reminder of this can be too much to handle.

So since the last time I posted, there have not been any more vacations or anything that has had a real impact on the marriage. Valentines Day went by without a mention, kind of strange, but just another day anyway. There have been some very stressful times, as H is really burning himself out with school, work, and travel. At times he has the tendency to get frustrated with me when he feels as though I am not "picking up the slack". He really seems incapable of doing anything at the moment outside of work and school. He is done in June, or end of May actually, so in the meantime I am just doing my best to try and do the things that I can to make life easier, like handling the errands etc. On the occasions where he has gotten frustrated, I've tried my best to just ignore the negatives, and react to the positives. For the most part this has allowed things to blow over quickly.

There are increasing signs of re-commitment though. For example we found a stray dog, and decided to keep him. We are also talking, in very broad terms, about trips next year. We've talked generally about renewing our lease too. H is still going to IC on a weekly basis, and I am very proud of him for doing this. I am not sure what he is capable of emotionally yet, and I think he needs school to finish, and to have some time to unwind before he really can start to work on the R. There are positive signs every now and then that keep me going, and let me know that my efforts are not in vain. H and I were both traveling for business last week, and I was a little frustrated because I hadn't heard from H much. However, when I checked my RL FB account, I saw he had written on a female friend's wall. I looked and it said that he has a "great wife". I could not believe that he said this, and it brings tears to my eyes even now. I guess this helped me to realize that even when I am not getting the direct validation that I want, this does not mean that H is not thinking about me, and noticing what I am doing. I am continuing to be who I am, while trying to avoid any behaviors that contributed to getting us to where we were at bomb-time. I guess in the end that is all I can do, be the better version of myself, and try to be supportive.

Work is going better for me, which is a massive relief. I have absolutely no idea how I managed between June and December. I guess that my career is probably held back a bit because of that time, but I am doing what I can to make up for those 6 months. I never thought I would have my ambition and drive back again, but I do, and I think I am maybe more confident than before, as this situation has taught me what truly matters-and having been through what I've been through, I'm now less intimidated by things and people. I guess I realize how vulnerable everyone really is.

We go to Brazil on Tuesday, which I am very much looking forward to. I am a bit nervous as this is our first vacation alone together in ages. 10 days with just us, means that there is a strong possibility of R talk. We'll just see though. Maybe this relaxation is what we really need. I suspect that it is for my H.

Other than that, I am just doing a lot of thinking about our next steps after H is done with school. We both have really good jobs, and especially in this economy, that is something worth considering. However, we really dislike where we are living, and I want us to make a fresh start and just settle down for awhile. I feel like we have been living this expat life that sounds really glamorous and exciting on paper, but in reality it has meant less stability in our M, and no money saved for buying a house etc. I am not entirely sure how H feels about this, but I think the topic will need to be on the back burner until he finishes school. We've talked about me getting a transfer back to the US, but he's recently gotten a promotion, and he may be hesitant to give up his job. We will have to find something that can suit us both.

Anyway that's my sitch in a nutshell. Life is improving, if slowly, and I just want to let everyone know that there is always hope, no matter how dismal things seem at the beginning.

Hope all is well,
ITH

[Jen_Jam]

Hey ITS ... you're right about there always being hope. hang on in there girl, in my sitch there was a looooooooooooong time where progress was really, really slow. It took me about 3 years to feel it was all OK, to get "there".

You're doing great, and I know what you mean about wanting a break from the boards, sometimes you have to NOT think about it in order to stay sane. You're in touch with me outside the boards too so shout if you need anything.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey ITH,

Its great that he keeps inching towards plans further in the future. I take it though, from your reluctance to 'jinx' it and move to piecing, taht he still isnt wearing his ring? Guess that will be a very symbolic gesture and will only happen once things have truly settled down. The timing is interesting on him being stuck with all pressure and hard work on him.. as Saturn (planet of HEd, responsibility, hard work, learning, tough times, depresion, etc).. is currently going bakwards in Virgo.. and doesnt go forwards until the end of May.. Saturn is slowing things down, making us feel heavy and stuck and like its 1 step forwards, 2 steps back.. but this feeling will lift in just over 2 months!

I would also have to avoid the boards a little if I were ever trying again with my ex, I would need to concentrate on him and also.. it would be exhgausting to keep having to clear the history and cookies and typed url's and all that !! But yes, mail me too, anytime,

Al xxx

[istherehope]

Hi Jen and Ali,

Thanks for checking in on me :).

I do still read some of the threads these days, but I feel like I can't get involved in any new ones. That's where things become most painful. I hope someday that I will feel so strong and secure in the M that I can offer advice to people going through what I went through, but not there yet...

Jen-it's always so nice to hear from you. I know that you too decided to take a break from the boards, so it is very kind that you still keep an eye on me :). I always remember your sitch and your timelines when I start to get impatient. I know that our H's are/were very similar. We are on about 9 months now since the bomb, but according to H he was unhappy for about a year before he dropped it, so if this is true and not spew, then we're at nearly 2 years. I can anticipate it taking another year before I feel completely secure again, unless something very symbolic and meaningful happens in the meantime and changes my attitude. I definitely will reach out in "real life" if anything comes up-thanks!

Ali-I posted on your thread this morning. I probably won't be posting during the next 2 weeks at all though, as I will be in Brazil. Of course if something amazing happens there, I will post right away. You are right that he isn't wearing his ring yet, which does really bother me, but I remember Jen saying how long it took for her H to wear his ring. Maybe this is like the last step in the process. Speaking of Saturn and Virgo, my H is a Virgo, so perhaps he is feeling this more than most? For what it's worth too, Saturn is retrograde in my natal chart, not sure how this plays into anything. Tomorrow is actually our 5 year anniversary, and I know H knows this, as when we were in the US last, we visited this jewelry store (to look at watches), and we filled out a form where it asked for all of these details, including wedding anniversary. I am not going to say a word, and I don't anticipate that he will either. Actually he never has been one for saying anything, but this is particularly symbolic to me, and I was hoping that he would put his ring on for this, but not expecting this anymore. So hard work lifting in just over 2 months...sounds about right in my H's school sitch. In fact things are starting to get a lot better for us as a couple, in terms of finances and such. Just over the last month we have made some changes in our budget that have left us feeling like we don't really have money problems at all anymore, whereas previously we were definitely living paycheck to paycheck. So in some ways seems like whatever is going on now is working well in some parts of our life anyway...oh in terms of clearing cookies etc., I do have my own laptop, but I have 3 browsers. One of them doesn't remember browsing history ever, and that is the one I use for visiting the boards.

OK well I am off to work now, very busy day ahead of me before the big trip.

Thanks again for your support!
ITH

[istherehope]

Hi to anyone out there who still reads my infrequent ramblings and updates...

The last time I posted was right before our 10 day vacation, so wanted to share a bit about how this went.

We'd had a trip to Brazil planned that we'd been planning for several months. I had organized the accommodation etc., while my H's work had paid for the flights as part of an incentive package. Anyway we had a very long flight from Europe to Brazil, 2 stops, and nearly 24 hours including connection times. The leg of our flight from Amsterdam to Sao Paulo was about 12 hours. When we got to Sao Paulo, we were so happy to have arrived, around 11 PM local time. Turns out that we needed a visa which we did not have and could not buy there. I was so shocked. I have never before failed to look into something so basic when planning a trip. I panicked and thought my H was going to flip out and blame me, as I had been the one doing most of the planning. The thing is we had to get on the flight back to Amsterdam, only about 1 hour after arriving. He suggested that we could just go home and not use up the vacation days. I started crying a little bit. To my great surprise, H hugged me and said "ILY very much, and I would never hold this against you." He then went on to say how we could make another vacation, and this would be the adventure vacation. We started talking about the different options, and planning as much as we could in the plane on the way back to Amsterdam...So, it was an adventure for sure. We of course did end up spending loads of extra money as we had to buy new flights, but on the other hand we got to go somewhere my H had always wanted to go and that I had actually been planning as a surprise for his b-day. We ended up staying 1 night in Amsterdam, 1 in Madrid, and then going to Morocco for 5 nights. On our way home we stayed in London with mutual friends for 2 nights.

Things were definitely different on this trip than they had been in a very long time. There were a few minor moments of bickering, but for the most part there were pleasant surprises. In Madrid we went to a long boozy lunch, and H was playing with my ring and commenting on it. He's still not wearing his, but at least he's acknowledging mine. In Amsterdam he mentioned our anniversary in passing. (We flew on our 5 year wedding anniversary) In Morocco we were just together a lot, and H started saying things he hasn't said in ages like "you're so pretty" etc. Finally, it was great to stay with mutual friends in London. The last time we saw them was actually about 2 weeks before the bomb, at their wedding in Italy. During that wedding I knew that there was something seriously wrong, but I could not put my finger on it. Even looking at pictures of us at that wedding, I can see that my H was not happy at all. This time was different. We talked about having them come to visit us. The friends also have no idea about the troubles, and actually said that they were surprised with all of the moves and stress we've been through that we managed to stay together-that most people would have split up. H sort of made a joke of this, but I think it got to him.

So now we're back home, and back to reality. So far so good. Yesterday H even went through a weird 10 minutes or so where he kept saying things like "you're cool", then "you're a really good person", "you've been so sweet lately." He woke up during the night, put his arms around me, and said "you're so beautiful". Of course we're not back to work yet, and so not really out of vacation mode, but I am feeling more content than I have in awhile. I am not looking forward to work on Monday, but I need to suck it up and remember how fortunate I am to have a good job right now, and not screw this up!

Anyway, I will try to post more often; even if nobody is reading anymore, it is nice to sit here and express myself.

Hope everyone is doing well!

ITH

[One Day]

Hey ITH,

Wow- it sounds like things are going really well! I'm so pleased for you and your H. I love hearing a potive update so keep posting them!

L. xx

PS. Glad you enjoyed London

[istherehope]

Thanks Lisa!

London was beautiful while we were there, sunny and pretty warm. We stayed in Richmond, which was idyllic. Hopefully next time I come through (June), you and I and Julia will be able to meet up!

Hope you're having a great weekend,

ITH

[AliSuddenly]

Hey ITH,

Wow, what a story !!! You had a 12 hour flight to brazil then had to turn around and fly to Amsterdam !? Thats mad! And I amazed that he didnt get cross at you and so looks like things are definetly settling down. It must be lovely to hear all of those complients.. I wonder, do you return the favour and do you think he could do with a little reassurance? Do you use the opposrtunity to retort, "and you are so handsome" ? Might be worth a try.

I like that he is making more holiday plans with you and also, that he did remember the anniversary. Looks like things are going in the right direction, keep us posted!! Like Lisa says, we need to hear some good news around here ;-)

Al x

[Kalni]

ITH,
WOW!! Even at our best of times, my H would hold that for a reason to divorce me... I am amazed the way you both handled things and it sures shows how your R is improving... Happy for you!!
K

[JCJ]

Yaaaaaay
I'm so happy to read that ITH.