Is your H willing to commit to anything to work on his alcoholism, such as AA?
Until the alcoholism is dealt with, I am totally blinded by it. I have a hard time being happy for you when you talk about spooning and snuggling, or when you try to claim that things are "better."
In other words, in my view, the alcoholism is the highest priority to address. The next priorities are 1) the root that causes him to turn to alcohol, and 2) the reasons that you stay by his side and enable him.
You asking him to stop drinking alone is not going to be enough.
Please tell me: Is your H willing to commit to anything to work on his alcoholism, such as AA?
Lucky, I love how much you love me. I used to think exactly all the things you posted. I tried to get him to *see* his problem. I tried to be perfect so he would love me more than the booze. I tried everything you name it. I cried, I pleaded. I begged. I gave him the look. I tried the cold shoulder. I tried to offer him P*ssy in exchange for stopping. I showed him articles. I even recently mentioned how ED and alcoholism seem to have a link, as Lil told me.
I met Lil. I went to Alanon . I found the Work. I woke up. Just before X mas this year I was posting to Cinco from a hotel room my Family and I were staying in. He was out on a binge. I was mortified. I did evrything right. He promised to stop drinking. he had and that day he was on the binge gain. I was beside myself with hurt and tears. I called myself a loser on ftio. I said wow if I believed him???? I must still also believe in Santa Claus???? What an idiot I am. If you want you can look for it and read even more ups and downs. I had been to several Alanon meetings. I still did not fully get " his drinking is none of my damn business"
I wasnt until I found the WORK website on nite after S and A posted to Lil about something similar to what you feel. S&A hated to see me torture ,myself w/ the alcoholism too.
I see what you mean love. But I have found true freedom in not owning his drinking or trying to fix it. he can also not drag me into the drinking anymore like he used to cause I dont talk about it anymore.
See this is what I meant about others no tthinking I can say ... Yeah I did hits or this b/c of the drinking and his issues. he sure has a lot of internal work to do. I can only lead by example. Our sitch has took a complete turn since i found the work and let go fully. The detaching from being fused was very painful.
I just wish I would have posted all that here so others here may have been helped.
I also know being open is the only way I have lead to real change. I dont hide anything and then I find solutions.
Please be happy for me. I have come a long way and so has he.
yes he is still an active alcoholic like Lil says. I had demons before. they werent quite as ugly but he still loved me.
My Alanon family? They have helped me so much, not to feel used or weird b/c I love an alcoholic.
the reasons that you stay by his side and enable him.
I can't explain it as well as Lil would but I do not enable him anymore. yeah , I used to be guilty of that. I let his drinking consume my life. I felt like sh*t. Alcoholisn is very complicated Thank God for Lil, she opened my eyes. She helped me to see I wasnt defective. That I could still be a intelligent , caring , confident Woman . And still be in love with an alcoholic. You have seen my photos. I am not this weak little Woman who lives as a victim. { I used to think I was til I met LIL!~} I am strong, I love you too Lucky. Love, Ali
Silly, Trust me .. I dont "claim " things are better of they really aren't. I came here like a puddle on the floor. I was devastated. He was going to Divorce me.... my life was over.
I have always been an open book on here? I want change. I want a good solid Marriage. I could sugar coat my pain or make stuff up? It would get me nowhere. And I have never been any good at lying. I hate it when people lie actually. I love honesty. Always have even if it made me seem weak.
2 years into our "piecing" he told me it was SSM. I was like WTF?
And then after the Valetines Day Exodus here? Many got banned? I was desperate for sexual answers. All the while? I never thought I was married to an alcoholic. Hello Ali... smell the coffee. Hit me up side the head . LIL.
It is sort of sad when I accepted it cause I always had that feeling, well then my R doesn't count, he is broken. 13 yrs dont mean anything.... ouch~ It felt so ugly, I still feel like that sometimes. If he would juts stop? We would be normal , we would deserve to be happy.
I hope one day he stops, but it his work not mine. I learned that in Alanon. I can argue with it til I am blue in the face and it wont change. I am arguing with WHAT IS. All it will cause is me to suffer.
Love you, and thanks for asking those questions. You have made me smile, actually. To see how much I have grown in these past few months. It took me yrs to get to this point.
Sorry to leave you hanging... I was out with the baby.
I am no expert. You know your situation much better than I do. You know alcoholism much better than I do. You know your H much better than I do. It sounds like you know how you want to handle everything, and it sounds like you know what you need to do for yourself.
I am glad you're going to Alanon to get real support from real experts. Please keep going!
I also added fuel to the fire by getting upset when it first happened. IE~ taking it personal.
This seems to be such a universal female reaction to the onset of erection problems in your man. Unfortumately, it only tends to make the problem --worse-- and makes him disappear into his 'man-cave' over it; that is, not want to talk about or address the issue, but instead either brood silently or avoid it entirely. Last fall, I went into a bit of a defensive rant when the very same issue cropped up in my own sexual relationship.
The good news (for my wife and myself) is that we've both adjusted our thinking and approach to erections, and the problem has pretty much corrected itself. I've worked hard at keeping myself in the enjoyable moment, and NOT worrying about performance or my erection, because the instant that I do, it becomes self-fulfilling. My wife has to do the same: keep herself in the moment, and not worry about my erection state or what it means --> that's a rough one for her: not going into instant female analysis mode or taking it personally. The less we BOTH worry about it, the more likely it is that I'll respond in the way that we both want.
The irony here is that I could take the paragraph above, and rewrite it with the male and female roles reversed, and it would also apply to us. My wife used to (and occasionally still does) feel PRESSURE to respond to me, become aroused, be passionate with me, and reach orgasm. And the more either of us worry about that NOT happening, the more likely it is that she won't be able to.
Given the above, a successful sexual encounter for us is still a bit of a mountain climb for us, with the two of us tied together. If one of us slips, be both tend to lose our grip and fall back to the bottom. We can only reach the summit together, and if we work smoothly and comfortably as a team -- which does happen more and more often now. And these days, that mountain no longer looks like Everest either (particularly to her), but something doable and most importantly, enjoyable.
Ali wrote:
Quote:
AND THEN also the fact that he has so many rules about sex. Hard = horny he would tell me and when you arent wet it = you arent horny for me Ali.
I hear you --> that particular over-simplified misconception on his part has now turned around to bite him in the butt, hasn't it? (or somewhere closer to the front....).
You've proven over and over again that in your relationship with him, that YOU have to be the bigger person in order to make things work between you. You have to do the research and put in the lion's share of the effort to implement what you've learned / read. I have to do the same in my own relationship, and there are times when it feels like I'm the only one carrying the load and moving us forward. However, we HAVE been moving forward, both you in your relationship and me in my own, which is the important bit.
Take care, Ali;
-- B.
P.S. Who is Lil?
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Apparently, for answering the above question from me (which has been deleted), Ali is now banned from this site. It's a string going back to what I've called the Valentine's Day Exodus of 2008.
So refer to other sites / discussion groups at your own risk, here.
You'll be missed, Ali-girl, and for what it's worth, I'm sorry I inadvertantly opened THAT can of worms again.
Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
