I went to a good friend's house and we played Wii for a while and talked. I knew H would be down for the count by the time I came home. Going to bed now. Just wanted everyone to know I was okay.
Tomorrow should be interesting...to see if I get him sucking up to me or if he'll still be mad. I don't care.
I'm just a phone call away if you need anything at all !
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Gosh this situation sounds SO familiar. I (pretty much) had this exact same situation several years ago. Since then, I keep all of my self-help books hidden.
I also was very anxious, once my H found one of the books I was reading. He ranted for a couple of days about it .. wanting me to "justify" how I could read something like that. I tried to and it just made "things" worse.
This was before I considered my H an alcoholic .. too! My fear of confrontation (with H) has always been so that I will do anything to avoid it. (I go through stages with this, I guess.) Anyways .. that is why I now keep all of those books hidden.
Hoping to find you continuing to be strong and that things are better for you today ..
How long can you live like this? What will it take for you to leave? I am not saying to leave. Oh well. Maybe I am saying that. Just hate to read posts like this b/c I am not familiar with the good traits your h has. So I don't know what you are getting from this M. Is it the kids' safety or welfare that somehow benefits from seeing this behavior? Sorry if this offends.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
H wakes up Sunday morning...and begins the apologies. Except they're H apologies.
H: I'm really sorry about last night. I shouldn't have said all that, especially with the way you are. It just makes you more depressed. I was a total jerk.
I don't really say much...I was still in bed.
H: Okay? I didn't mean any of it. ME: You didn't mean it that I'm "ruining your life?" H: I said I was sorry. Okay? I just got really upset about that book. ME: Well, I left because I felt like you were threatening me. H: Threatening you??? Have I EVER beat on you?? ME: Well, you said if I thought you were abusive you'd start acting abusive...I didn't know WHAT you meant. H: very upset...Well I was mad! I found that book! How am I supposed to feel? ME: So you found a book about verbal abuse...and you responded by giving me...verbal abuse? ???
H: Yes! I was HACKED OFF!! That made me feel horrible!!
Okay, does anyone else see that I am talking to a crazy person? I just said very little at this point because he was getting worked up again. Then he spent the rest of the day massively sucking up to me. Once he came up behind me and hugged me and apologized again for being "an a$$hole" and that I didn't deserve that...because I'd been working hard. Awww, isn't that sweet? Anyway, it was just like that Broken Wing video.
So this making up/sucking up thing is interesting. He keeps doing things for me (I even got MORE flowers. Super.) And he wants to be in my good graces...but I HAVE to forgive him and accept this stuff...or goes to pieces again...and we cannot discuss what he did other than for him to say sorry...or he goes to pieces again as well.
HE is the one who is getting the reassurances in all this, NOT me. So anyway, now it's all sunshine and rainbows again. As long as I act like I'm happy, the storm subsides.
He did admit that he drank way way too much that time, and he was really really drunk, so drunk that he doesn't remember the end of the night or anything. Huge admission. Wow. He's never even asked me where I was or when I came home or anything. I guess he'd have to stop thinking about himself for five minutes to wonder about that.
How long can you live like this? What will it take for you to leave? I am not saying to leave. Oh well. Maybe I am saying that. Just hate to read posts like this b/c I am not familiar with the good traits your h has. So I don't know what you are getting from this M. Is it the kids' safety or welfare that somehow benefits from seeing this behavior? Sorry if this offends.
No, I'm not offended. For the record, things have been MUCH worse the last couple of months...it hasn't always been this insane. Insane, yes, but not THIS insane. Funny thing...the more I have devoted myself to prayer, etc...the worse he gets...like...the answer is he is only going to get worse..and this sitch is OUT of control.
So...what do I get out of this? A roof over my head. A father for my kids. And a nice person to live with part of the time. The first year we were married was marked by abominable emotional abuse...lots of fighting...but I was a true believer in for better or for worse. I'd made my vows and commitment and "divorce wasn't an option." Plus I was so blindsided trying to figure out where the guy I was engaged to went? So I kept trying to weather it out. After the first year it settled down. No more overt problems until we had our first child...and he became horrible again...for a time. Of course, I'd just a had C section and had a new baby. Pretty vulnerable...hard to "fight back." He eventually got over it. Life stresses seem to make him a lunatic. Things went fairly well then for about 10 years...I was a SAHM...he could be really self-centered...but it was okay. Then I went back to work, and had both kids in school and involved in a lot of stuff and things have progressively gotten worse since then.
Met OM about 18 months ago...that was a big turning point. He's ultimately a destructive person, but it did shake up the status quo for me. I was ready to start making plans to leave (and this was knowing OM wasn't a possibility by then, I wasn't leaving for him)...and H got cancer. So we've spent the last 10 months dealing with that. By the end of '08, I was almost crippled by depression. Working on getting out of that.
I joined this board in October. I've tried to make it work, tried to believe he's just a DAM, etc. But..he's an abuser, not a DAM. Or he's a DAM abuser. Whatever. His drinking has gone through the roof since he recovered from cancer treatment. The abuse gets worse because I stand up to him. That doesn't work.
So here I sit. The fricking cancer situation drained a lot of our money. A year ago I could have walked out and been okay. Not so much now. I don't have a job. I am working on that. It's hard to get things in order because I am still emotionally shaky, and he is still trying to control my options.
His good traits? He's a great guy, can be fun, he's very industrious, involved with the kids...that's who he is part of the time. He has to be kept happy or we all we pay. That's who is most of the time.
ME: Well, you said if I thought you were abusive you'd start acting abusive...I didn't know WHAT you meant. H: very upset...Well I was mad! I found that book! How am I supposed to feel? ME: So you found a book about verbal abuse...and you responded by giving me...verbal abuse? ???
