The messages and texts that I have seen tell me that the OM seems to be a very immature man about her age and she seems to be going back in time....very juvenile things from the both of them. They seem to think that they are in love.
All very bizarre considering this past year. I have read it all on here, but until it hits you in the face, you just cannot imagine.
Tim this baffles me in my sitch also. My W told me months ago she didn't want to be married to anyone (not just me), she wants to just raise the kids and have fun. She's also now on facebook and connecting back with people she went to HS with. I look at her and she is digressing...somehow trying to relive her 20's again. I have said for the past year that I see threads of an MLC in my W and I still hold to that now.
They seem to get this fantasy in their head of some 'perfect' life without problems or issues, and as WT told me many months ago, reality will sink in - your companionship will be gone, the excitement of their new life will dwindle as it always does, then they'll be sitting there seeing that nothing has really changed.
It's almost as if they get possessed. I used to laugh when I saw people refer to them as aliens, but as I watch more closely I understand what they really mean.
First thing I will tell you is to go see a lawyer. Find the best divorce attorney you can. Get a consult and see what he says as far as your rights. Find out what can be held against her as far as OM and what you need as proof. I would do that before confronting her with anything.
Second thing - start documenting all your interactions. You never know when they will come in handy. There were things I wished I had documented that I certainly could use now, but I missed the opportunity.
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To break up the affair with thoughts of her working on the marriage are long gone because of what I now know, so would it be vindictive to blow her story all over the place?
Tim only you can answer this. I go through this on information I know about my W that her family does not know. The question is this: What is your intention on blowing the story all over the place? What would it serve? If the answer is you want to rub her nose in it and somehow claim 'moral' ground in the eyes of her family and friends then the answer is obvious - don't disclose. If it somehow protects your rights or is needed to keep your relationship with your daughter or friends intact, then I probably would use it under those conditions. Vindictiveness will only backfire on you...karma is a bitch.
In NY there are legal ramifications for a spouse leaving a household. Talk to your lawyer. I know there are motions that will keep that spouse out of the house and court orders that require them to continue paying the bills. I believe it's called Pendente Lite...google it.
Wow, your fantasy about posting a story is really light compared to some of the 'fantasies' that have run through my head in the past 6 months.
Grab a piece of paper and start wrting out those thoughts in your head about the things you seem to be paralyzed with analysis on. When you get them down on paper it will be much easier for you to see the answers to the questions you have. What is the real reason you are not telling her to GTFO? Money, hope, fear ??? Write them down.
What would you accomplish by outing her to family and friends? Figure out what exactly your financial picture would look like if she were to walk out the door leaving you standing there with the bills. Get a printout of any statements that are joint. Write down any bills that are joint - credit cards, bank accounts, checking accounts, car insurance, car payments, etc... Get copies of the most recent statements. Take her name off any credit cards or acconts that are in your name - any credit cards you added her as a secondary user of the account.
Retirement plans - yours and hers. Anything you can think of. Remember the courts have no jurisdiction of the financial aspects of credit cards, mortgages, etc... You can go out and max out all of your credit cards tomorrow and she will be held to half that debt and vice versa. You have to protect yourself.
But go see a lawyer, and do it sooner rather than later.
I'm glad to see you are doing well mentally and emotionally. We're here for you.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
The messages and texts that I have seen tell me that the OM seems to be a very immature man about her age and she seems to be going back in time....very juvenile things from the both of them. They seem to think that they are in love.
If it makes you feel any better (and I know it probably doesn't), this is very typical. Most couples in affairs -- even in their 40s and 50s -- sound like high school stuff. "I love YOU more." "No, I love YOU more."
What is your intention on blowing the story all over the place? What would it serve? If the answer is you want to rub her nose in it and somehow claim 'moral' ground in the eyes of her family and friends then the answer is obvious - don't disclose. If it somehow protects your rights or is needed to keep your relationship with your daughter or friends intact, then I probably would use it under those conditions. Vindictiveness will only backfire on you...karma is a bitch.
Steady....Thanks for that post. If I haven't said so lately, and I know you were having a bad day last time you posted on your thread....you sound good, man. Lots of good stuff in that post...gets me thinking and focused.
We are pretty simple people, financially, with probably just a bit too much debt like most people.
The equity in our home would leave us with just about 0 debt, and a little left over for the both of us to get restarted...if you could sell it...if she remains rational and keeps her end of things up until we get that far.
If she takes off and leaves me hanging?...that might be crash. Retirement??...life insurance?...a car I could sell fairly quickly?....hate to admit it, that would give me some time to breath, but I would need work to turn around quickly, which is entirely possible.
Another option that is still a possibility, although not likely soon. All that really stops me is my daughter, but now that my mother is gone, I have thought seriously about a move.
I have a brother out west, and all through this past year that was in the back of my mind..and they have already offered now that this has happened.
Not a vindictive, pack up and leave her hanging move, but a rational, get through the process, well thought out change in scenery.
Actually, I could leave her hanging, and I'm pretty sure she could be OK financially...struggle a little, but I wouldn't do that.
Going to assume rationality from both of us..for now, and get all the finance info together and organized, along with the credit cards that you mentioned. I've had all this in my head, but thanks for the reminder. You're close enough that I may ask about your lawyer and how it's going for you if we can get together off site.
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What would you accomplish by outing her to family and friends? Figure out what exactly your financial picture would look like if she were to walk out the door leaving you standing there with the bills. Get a printout of any statements that are joint. Write down any bills that are joint - credit cards, bank accounts, checking accounts, car insurance, car payments, etc... Get copies of the most recent statements. Take her name off any credit cards or acconts that are in your name - any credit cards you added her as a secondary user of the account.
From Bill, and my intentions all along, which may be why I have been so indecisive....still a little dizzy but getting there. I will not be vindictive.
""The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to continue to pull back with grace and dignity. To hold true to your principles about what is proper and what is not in ending a relationship. And to remain firm in what you will tolerate and allow yourself to be exposed to in the behavior of your still-spouse. Then do all these things without anger or vindictiveness, but almost matter of factly. As in, "that's just how I believe it needs to be."
You continue to honor the fact that you cannot control her by allowing her to proceed down the path she has chosen without throwing fits, breaking down in tears, and screaming accusations, but you also make it clear that you believe it is wrong and you are disappointed that she has made these choices.""
You keep asking, and the thoughts and concern from you guys her and off DB are awesome...I just want you all to know that I am doing OK...really OK.
The first week was horrible, but even in there was a couple good days. I have a good friend that I chat with daily online, talk on the phone occasionally with, and that has helped me keep my sanity.
I've got a "brother from another mother", that I have known since we were 15 or 16. He has always been around and even here with my wife and I on occasion. He knows what's happening, and has been there.
He's not the greatest influence, but considering the medicating that my wife and I did over the past year, it's been mild. Actually, since my wife left for vacation, and during the week they have been back...alcohol consumption is down to a tolerable level.
That aside, he and I have been out a few times, had some great nights..ran into people we haven't seen in ages...ate wings, drank beer and played pool.
We are planning a camping trip, so I won't be going alone this year, and we have some common interests so I know we will be doing some things over the summer.
This is getting longer than I wanted. I'll write more soon.
What is your intention on blowing the story all over the place? What would it serve? If the answer is you want to rub her nose in it and somehow claim 'moral' ground in the eyes of her family and friends then the answer is obvious - don't disclose. If it somehow protects your rights or is needed to keep your relationship with your daughter or friends intact, then I probably would use it under those conditions. Vindictiveness will only backfire on you...karma is a bitch.
My thoughts exactly.
WT
Me too..honestly..just pissed..dumbfounded...and as far as karma goes, I was thinking the same thing...only about her karma.
If it makes you feel any better (and I know it probably doesn't), this is very typical. Most couples in affairs -- even in their 40s and 50s -- sound like high school stuff. "I love YOU more." "No, I love YOU more."
Blcccch.
Is it sick that when I was telling my friend about the texts I saw this morning, that I was almost laughing...completely amazed that 2 adults could be having that conversation?...one of them a married woman who had sex with her husband twice within the last 10 days.
Oh, and just in case anyone was wondering...no..not since she admitted her intentions after coming back from vacation.
Other then the R talks that I started, communication is limited to the basics. She is sleeping on the couch by choice, which she had done often as it was...now it's just a given.
There is no fighting, yelling or screaming...the past couple of evenings I got out alone for a couple beers and a game of pool...tonight she is out. Limbo, I guess, for now but I won't keep this up.
Not that it matters even one little bit, but I think there may be a little bit of mid-life crisis going on with your wife Tim. Alot of her recent behaviors sound a bit too familiar to me, including the ability to continue having sex with a spouse that you have already begun leaving.
What's weird to me is how easily they seem to live in both worlds at the same time. The new found ability to lie and deceive is also pretty typical, especially when it's something that was never a part of their make up in the past.
I honestly think at this point Tim that I would ask her to consider leaving (of course, if you're seriously considering a geography change of your own it may not be necessary).
As for your daughter, I think I would suggest to your wife that it was time we sat down with daughter and filled her in on the fact that the marriage was ending and why. I believe you might have even written something to this effect in one of your posts recently. It would be interesting to see what your wife's response would be to the prospect of sharing recent and future events with her child.
My experience is that it's pretty normal for there to be a measure of vindictiveness rolling around in our heads when we consider what to do and how. Keep in mind however that vindictiveness and natural consequences are not the same thing. For instance, if it turns out that your daughter knows nothing of the OM situation, she may react rather negatively to her Mom's recent behavior. That's a natural consequence of her mothers decisions/actions, NOT you exacting a measure of revenge.
Every choice we make carries consequences. When all is right with the world we expect that good decisions have good consequences and bad decisions have bad consequences. Of course it doesn't always work that way. This board is littered with stories where wandering spouses made incredibly horrible decisions and seem to have suffered no bad consequences. I just think sometimes it takes awhile for the bad consequences to catch up with some people.
Whichever route you go Tim, I hope you choose to do what is best for you at this point. You seem to know enough about how your wife has changed now to have realized that it is no longer reasonable for you to make sacrificial decisions because of some hope that she will turn around. As long as your decisions are made honestly and with integrity, there will always exist the possibility of healing and recovery if she comes to her senses. Meanwhile, you have YOU to take care of and provide for.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Bill I have thought about the MLC all though this past year. Like you said, some things would give me that impression...more recently than anything else. The past year has found us both out and acting a little crazy, but the past few months and her lies and deception have me wondering if it hasn't really just begun to kick in for her.
What I had always noticed and what does not make sense to me with the recent events is the fact that she still has not made any changes in her appearance(hair, which is a given for her), shows no interest in over or under dressing, and given the chance, still seems to prefer being home and relaxing more than anything else.
This all comes so closely with her interest in the alt univ. and the reconnection with old friends...male and female. She has pictures up and changes them regularly, but they are mostly head shots...sexy poses.
She has always been so unhappy with her physical appearance, and struggles with her weight, but I see no change in that the past few months...no dieting, exercise, new clothes, etc. If I had to say, it would be contrary to someone who is trying to make an impression, or has new friends..male or female.
Of course that may be because of our constant pace of going out, and all the partying. Like she has said, I had her under my control...kept her happy, drunk and occupied with all those good times...me and that damn gun I had pointing at her head every day.
Funny, how through all of this, I still feel some concern as I watch. The weight, diet and exercise thing. She has given up most interests in anything around the house, and has no regular schedule for any of the normal household chores.
What had begun for me last year...pitching in more and doing most times, more than my share has become habit for me.
For her the dinners and days spent making home cooked meals have all stopped. The house cleaning and laundry is done as needed, if I don't get to it first. Although since this all started, I concentrate on me, my daughter and the things that we need done.
Many of these things I had noticed over the past couple of months, I suppose and regret that I didn't pay more attention. Not that it could have made a difference, but maybe saved some of the months of lies.
As for the rest of your post...talking to her about who leaves and letting my daughter in on the current sitch.
Those weighed on me all day yesterday and I got a little off my chest...nothing major, but both subjects have been reopened.
I'll be back in a bit to finish that...at work and need to get off her for a while.
I agree with Bill on the MLC issue. It seems they start to regress trying to capture something they think they had in their past. The problem is, they seem to overlook that they had problems back then too.
If the spouses haven't changed themselves and addressed the issues that they had which contributed to the demise of the M, they are destined to repeat the same cycle - different faces, different issues, same pile of cr@p.
Karma - sometimes it takes a long time for the Karma wheel to boomerang. Often it's totally unrelated to you. The greatest Karma I can envision is where the WAS turns around and gets haunted by the overwhelming feeling they made a mistake and they just can't shake it. A guy can hope can't he? lol In the meantime I try to keep my karma payback to a minimum as I move through the sitch I've now found myself in.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
You don't have to be angry. You don't have to storm off. You don't have to be vindictive. It's still possible to just calmly say that you know everything that's going on and you'd like her to leave. The new you doesn't have to be the exact opposite of the old you if it means that you have no boundaries. Even if the new you is a soft spoken sweetheart you can still be firm. If there is any interest in saving your marriage, I don't recommend you let her continue on until it's her idea for YOU to leave. You (and all the other LBSes on here) know firsthand the power of the bomb. I'd suggest you drop one, as calmly as possible.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
