Bill thanks for that post. I know you wrote it for Tim, but without you knowing, you wrote it for me too.
My W also had the fantasy best friends scenario when she told me she wanted a divorce...well, needless to say nothing has gone according to her 'fantasy' plan. I didn't just roll over and give her what she wanted and now am fighting for equal custody of my children.
Originally Posted By: bworl
As you said, she must deal with the repercussions of her choices and actions. And trust me, she is not yet even fully aware of just what those repercussions are.
I told my ex one day, just prior to the divorce but after it was clear that there would be no reconciliation and that she was pursuing her soul mate....
"One day you will see or think of me and realize that you made a horrible mistake when you chose to leave."
I have said these very same sentences to myself hundreds of times already. The WAS's seem to have a fairy tale idea of how everything is going to be - but they're in for a big surprise when reality comes a knockin.
It's like you said earlier Tim, as she absorbs the reality of what is going on it is having an effect on her. It will continue to do that as the yarn continues to unravel.
If she continues an exit (which no one knows for sure what will happen) the day will come when she will look back and ask herself what was so bad that she had to leave. The regret will be there. I think at one time or another it eventually shows up - especially for us LBS's who have made tremendous changes and have actually become the husband/person/father we and they wanted. My therapist had said that to me a few months ago - the negative memories start to fade and their focus on what 'we' did wrong moves into the background.
I find people just switch to different people, different issues, but still problems and things to deal with. When people don't change themselves they repeat the same cycle over and over until they 'get' it and start looking inward for their problems. That's exactly what we have done. Our cycles are broken, theirs will continue on. Continue to improve yourself and you won't get stuck in another cycle.
Bill is spot on. Keep transferring your focus onto you, keep your dignity and your self respect. It's hard at times, but it's the only way.
Please let us know how you're doing Tim.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Great post Bill. I have thought and felt the same way. I will do anything for my kids, but I am not my WAW's best friend. I was, and she may walk out on that. She can choose to make that mistake, but that choice comes with consequences.
It is still shocking to me that the WAS's, who were formerly "normal" people, loose touch with reality so much.
It might have been worded strongly as "wuss", but I don't think I was off the mark. ND (admirably I think) made the conscious choice to be the husband that she wanted...and they got along great (and FYI, I've watched this thread since it's inception). And yes, some of this is a history re-write; she got as much out of it as he did. But, in our efforts to be this loving husband, it goes over the top sometimes and I do think it can come off as the spouse trying too hard and it appearing like solely an attempt to win them back. My wife and I got along great after the bomb too. It doesn't mean she didn't still move out and divorce me. I think he did well, with the exception that his efforts were focused almost entirely on doing things together without developing outside the relationship.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
OK...if you guys are done talking about me, I have time for a few random thoughts.
Puppy asked what my decision was....
I can no longer remained married to his woman. She has no idea exactly what I know, and more info gathering, which I am not going to defend, has let me know just how far gone she is. I still believe there has been nothing physical, but I no longer know who she is, how she got to where she is now and cannot continue to live with her.
How I get to the next step, and avoid a short, or long period of limbo and allow this continue is still a question.
That will come up in the next day or 2 and I am trying my best to remain the person I have been this past year...even with her lies and deceptions, that's important to me.
I ride the fence on disclosure to her family, mine and our friends.
To break up the affair with thoughts of her working on the marriage are long gone because of what I now know, so would it be vindictive to blow her story all over the place?
Finances are a major concern right now, and I would be on the short end of that stick until I get on track with the job and new facility. If she bugs out and leaves me with no help or concern for what are both of our responsibilities, then it is going to be a tough year.
One of my other concerns is my daughter, and my hopes are that she is unaware of what is going on. To think that my wife has some how talked to here and explained this in a way that makes it look OK, are way too bizarre to comprehend right now.
I want to sit her down and tell her exactly what is going on, but would hope we could do that together. Once again, though, my wife does not know how much I know about there talks and relationship, so that would have to come out first.
For some reason, not vindictiveness, I feel my D needs to know the whole truth...what I know...is that wrong? Even if the marriage is done, I do not want this to be glossed over by my wife and have her some how think my daughter is OK with it...I do not want her to be part of it.
Home is quiet, reserved and a bit strange. Since I have not let the whole thing come out, we are still communicating, but barely...and I have tried to get out and away in the evenings.
She spends most of her time online or lounging. She had been working her way towards this for a while now, but it is obvious at this point she has no interest in "keeping house" with me.
That brings me to my thoughts of digging in, taking care of my home, keeping myself busy around there, getting away when I can and letting her know that I will not go as planned. The game has been changed...the rules have been changed, and I have made some mistakes...but I never asked to end the marriage and if I have to struggle I will. I will not give up my home.
Still not sure what is stopping me from just telling her to GTFO....finances...hope for an epiphany?...quietly waiting for her to just pack up and leave?...there was her texts about an apartment search, so she could be bringing this all to a close on her own...which would be fine for me.
I'm sorry..I know this was quick and random, but honestly...feeling pretty good. The good days in the past 9 or 10 days have outnumbered the bad.
It's just the next steps I am having the trouble with. As much as she has hurt me and deceived me, for some reason I still find it difficult to just ask her to leave.
That may be just me trying to hang on to what I have had this past year...not what I have had with her, but the work on my anger, my attitude...my outlook on life.
Somebody said it was like being stuck between a rock and hard place...and that's pretty much how I feel right now.
To yell, scream and show my anger is the old me....to treat her with compassion and understanding...show her that I still love her and would be willing to continue to work on myself and the marriage..some how makes no sense.
Right now, I feel as though I need her out of my life and want to move on, but just as I had so often this past year, I am suffering from paralysis from analysis.
That brings me to my thoughts of digging in, taking care of my home, keeping myself busy around there, getting away when I can and letting her know that I will not go as planned. The game has been changed...the rules have been changed, and I have made some mistakes...but I never asked to end the marriage and if I have to struggle I will. I will not give up my home.
GOOD!! Why should you???
btw, if your goal is NOT to save your marriage, then I wouldn't expose (although I wouldn't lie to anyone who asked me a direct question, either). I'm only a proponent of exposure as a technique to try and save the marriage.
NDS, I would make sure you have copies (e-mails, txts, phone records)if you need them for your attorney. I would also be upfront with your W and still set some boundaries. I know you don't want to but you will need to get the ball rolling on this. Be prepared for some push back. You can handle it. Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
For some reason, not vindictiveness, I feel my D needs to know the whole truth...what I know...is that wrong? Even if the marriage is done, I do not want this to be glossed over by my wife and have her some how think my daughter is OK with it...I do not want her to be part of it.
I would approach this slowly. Your D was on vacation with your W, yes? Then I'm sure she saw some of what she was doing. I also know that when spouses start playing with their new friends, they tend to be bubbly about them. I have a feeling your D has heard about this person already and may have even started drawing her own conclusions. Children as so bloody smart, they know much more than we ever give them credit for.
Think about telling your D the initial facts than see what questions she asks. That will give you a feel of what she may already know or has figured out.
I support you in your decisions. It's going to be OK.
btw, if your goal is NOT to save your marriage, then I wouldn't expose (although I wouldn't lie to anyone who asked me a direct question, either). I'm only a proponent of exposure as a technique to try and save the marriage.
Puppy
I see no reason to look at this as a marriage that can be saved. If this was the first bomb, and all I knew was what she told me...maybe I would go that route.
Knowing what I know now, and how far their relationship has progressed(as bizarre as it is), I believe anything I do know will be seen by her as more controlling...more hanging on...more trying to change her mind.
....and what I have seen and read, as much as it has helped wake me up and get to this point...just makes me sick.
Just want to move on some how. For now, I have to and I know there is no way to know what the future will bring.
The thoughts of exposing the affair are probably more vindictive than anything else.
I have FB and email passwords...I went through this fantasy in my head in which I posted the whole story on her page and changed the password so it could stay there for all to see.
NDS, I would make sure you have copies (e-mails, txts, phone records)if you need them for your attorney. I would also be upfront with your W and still set some boundaries. I know you don't want to but you will need to get the ball rolling on this. Be prepared for some push back. You can handle it. Coach
Coach I have printed out a few FB messages, but they were pretty careful with there contacts and she keeps her phone close. The text records are online and go month to month so I don't know how far back I can go.
At this point she may very well be planning on being with him physically and starting right in on a new R, so I'm not sure where that leaves me legally.
I'm still thinking in some respects the ball is still in her court for filing a separation, and if she drags her feet on that I will have more time to get info?...I have no idea...all new to me brother.
Guess a visit with a lawyer just to get some info would be a good start.
The messages and texts that I have seen tell me that the OM seems to be a very immature man about her age and she seems to be going back in time....very juvenile things from the both of them. They seem to think that they are in love.
All very bizarre considering this past year. I have read it all on here, but until it hits you in the face, you just cannot imagine.
I would approach this slowly. Your D was on vacation with your W, yes? Then I'm sure she saw some of what she was doing. I also know that when spouses start playing with their new friends, they tend to be bubbly about them. I have a feeling your D has heard about this person already and may have even started drawing her own conclusions. Children as so bloody smart, they know much more than we ever give them credit for.
Think about telling your D the initial facts than see what questions she asks. That will give you a feel of what she may already know or has figured out.
I support you in your decisions. It's going to be OK.
WT
She's not a child, WT...she will be 20 soon and still at home..still close to the both of us, although I know the mother / daughter bond can be different.
I think some of my concern is that she know the whole truth, but also her exposure to what may come in the future...can she trust her mother to be honest with her?
Is there more?....other men, drugs?...plans to take off and live with this guy?...these are all things I would like to know, but since she did not tell the truth from the start, how do I figure out what is going on?
I thought about the vacation, and the fact that this has been going on for at least a couple of months. The vacation was somewhat separate for the 2 of them...my wife stayed with our friends and my daughter was with her BF and a GF at a hotel. They all spent time together but also did things apart.
As I said...many strange thoughts...and I have to believe that if my daughter knows anything it's been deception and lies, just as I have had from her.
One thought I had was to use that to bring this more out into the open....to tell my wife that she needs to know...and see where she goes with that. Let her tell her what she wants, and I will fill in the blanks for her with what I know.
