Dude, I still think you just have to let more time pass. Just enjoy what you have and see what happens. If they are gonna come around, the one thing I can tell you is it is on their time schedule not ours. Also, YOU think it has been a year. She might only recognize that you have been trying for 4 months. EVERY guy, myself included seems to give himself more credit for his efforts, sometimes WAY more credit for his efforts, than their hurt spouses realize and/or recognize. Takes 4 or 6 months before they stop seeing red enough for them to see us change.
My wife recently made a comment about "is this how we build a relationship?" I was like, is that what we're doing? She gave a 16 year old style wellll, yeahhhhh. So go figure.
You and I both bitch a lot but I think we are actually pretty lucky.
Hang in there.
Down...I know we're lucky to have what we have...me especially. Jeez...my wife and I have done more together and had more fun than we have had in years. Isn't that crazy?
The time gets to me, and what you said is true with her. Her concept of how much time has passed for a lot of things is weird sometimes. I actually wonder if she would even remember when she dropped the bomb.
Plus, I always have to wonder if what I am doing is the right thing...it's all still pursuing...kind of stealth pursuing, I guess. But she is always been so receptive, it's hard to back off. So much of what I have done and do, is 180's for me...I was such a prick to her for so long, and she has told friends how "awesome" I was when we first got together.
Kind of like playing a slot machine...she keeps giving up and giving in just enough to keep me putting the quarters in and going for the jackpot...LOL.
That's actually pretty cool what your wife said...at least you know in her mind she is looking at it as building.
Most times it feels like that with my wife and I, but she always shoots it down with the "don't get your hopes up", or "you told me not to remind you where this was heading".
It's been 2 months now since I got one of them, so I might be due..then again...we also ML twice this week after nothing for a couple weeks or so...crazy stuff, but I will hang in there.
I always have to wonder if what I am doing is the right thing
THIS may be a key component. In two ways, DB'ing wise; is my strategy the right one AND I am starting to think there is more to this love languages stuff. I am also thinking it may be harder to suss than I originally imagined.
Twice recently I've done stuff that to me would be complete after thought stuff. She was so appreciative. Didn't seem like a big deal and if she did it for me I might not have even noticed, or worst yet not said thank you for what she did. SO, maybe, finding what actually flips your wife switch might be harder and more subtle than imagined. In the beginning of the R and before we F'd it all up it seemed much easier but now that we are behing the 8 ball, maybe we need to work harder to find things that will talk to them in a language they are still willing to hear.
If you were so awesome when you first got together, could you not go back and try to do whatever you were doing back then?
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
If you were so awesome when you first got together, could you not go back and try to do whatever you were doing back then?
Down..I'm pretty sure that's why she is still here...or hasn't booted me out the door...yet.
Along with DBing..at least my halfa$$ version..the first thing I did after the wake up call and before I even found the book and this site was to step back, look at what I had become and the way that I had treated my wife all these years.
I asked myself a lot of the same questions that come up on here...what did she see in me back then and what was different about me and the way I treated her.
My belief is that I have been very consistent in that respect...I try each day to show her that I love her, cherish this time with her and don't want the marriage to end.
The rest is where I think I have slacked off in the last few months....the changes I was making in myself that really had nothing to do with how things turned out between us...the things that matter for me, in my life, if we don't stay together.
I know they are all related to what we are trying to do on here, but as things stayed status quo, and she didn't push for a separation, we spent more and more time together...and I think I got complacent in my drive to be OK with or without her.
Even though things are still pretty good...there is that change in the dynamics, and sometimes I think it is because she doesn't see that drive I had the first...maybe 4 - 6 months...for things outside of the relationship.
As far as the love languages go...that stuff just confuses me in my sitch. If she has a LL...I can't figure it out, at least I am pretty sure she doesn't show hers by acting out any of them on me...maybe I need to read the book again, or pay more attention...I just don't even look for it any more.
Like you said, there are things I say or do that really seem to matter to her at times, but for the most part she is pretty unemotional about anything I say or do.
I still believe that is intentional on her part...not wanting to let on that she has softened in her stance on the marriage, or let on to me that she really appreciates or notices anything that I do for her.
One thing I will say about my wife..without many words through all of this, along with all the great, crazy times we have had..she has maintained a pretty firm and focused view of where this is all headed...and it ain't "happily ever after".
Her actions have spoken differently, and that keeps me hoping and working at it...but she has kept her poker face on through all of this....sometimes I'm just not sure if I can hang in for the long term waiting for her to show her hand.
