WAH2

[kassie]

For those looking for my thread walk away husband... you have found me.

Summary is this, H left because he thought he had a right to live the way he wanted at his age. He wanted to drink as much as he wanted. He wanted to live with a spouse -not spouse and kids.
He has recently started AA and IC. He has taken his ring off. He says he wants to work on the R and will put the ring back on when I join him in working on the R. He does not want to move back into the house while the kids are still living there. My stance, I have been working on the R, waiting for him to want to work on it with me, want him sober and stable. I am willing to talk about R in MC only after he has some sobriety and addressed emotional issues.

[kassie]

I feel like my H found a new way to hurt me while I am being dark. He has been taking off his ring, putting it on, taking it off.etc.

Today seeing it off again this week, and he hasn't tried to call - I began to feel like i did when he was drinking or threatening to leave. A new way to hurt, a new way to communicate his pain, a new way to manipulate. Whatever....

I was upset and got control over myself when I saw his hand. I talked to someone from the church he is converting to and she is so sympathetic to my side. She thinks he is so confused and twisted by the church which surprised me. But it also reminded me that we cannot control others. She suggested I take my ring off and see his reaction but I told her that I don't want to do things for a reaction like that - I find his actions disrespectful of me and our M. Then that thought takes me to our whole R and how he has disrespected me and the M all along. Not that he shows himself much respect either.

Feeling down tonight, not sure what to do, I chimed in with JD and SO2, when they say the same thing. We are all drifting to... who knows where.

[Silver Fox]

Hi Kassie,

Thanks for posting last night. I'm sorry you're so down right now. Our H's are similar - having a hard time growing up, mad at the world, everything is someone else's fault.

It's hard being a real man, some never make it. They say that girls mature faster than boys - as an educator I see evidence of this every day.

You're right about the disrespect. Have you read "Love Must Be Tough"? There are some insightful points about the line of respect that both partners must be aware of.

I feel that taking the ring on and off is more about his confusion rather than showing you something. I also take my ring on, off trying to figure things out. I'm not really thinking about whether someone notices or not. Although one time a man did make a pass at me at the grocery store while he was looking at my finger to make sure. I raced home and put the ring back on!

I know it's easier said than done but you need to up the GAL activities and get busy, busy, busy.

I'll check back later.
Take care.

[Startingover2]

Found you Kassie!!

Definately read the "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. Great book.

So, what exactly was that woman saying that your H was getting twisted by the church...If anything, they should be encouraging him to work on his M.

I will read more in the morning. Got a fussy baby.

Hang in there sweety!

[kassie]

Thanks for the different view point. Helps. Too tired and computer is crazy - will talk this weekend.

I appreciated everyone who takes the time to support and share.

[pearlharbr]

Phew, finally found you Kassie!

I know the emotional roller coaster is tough. Thought I was off it for good but tonight threw me for a loop. But it's not as bad as it was before, only one or two rides before I got off. So jump off! I know, easier said than done. I wish I could offer advice how to detach better. For me it was only when I decided to drop the rope and move on that I really felt detached. I also allow myself to feel the feelings and let them go. Silva passed on a good method for doing this that also helped me a lot. Check his old thread, I think #3, for details.

Just try to do the right thing in every situation. And if you pray, ask for the wisdom to know what that is and the courage to do it. That's the advice I got from Puppy that really helped me through.

[JCJ]

Hi Kassie

Try not to take it personally, it is his confusion although I know it is really hurtful.

You mentioned in your post that he thinks you are not working on the marriage. I wonder what 'working' on the marriage looks like to him. Have you any ideas on that?

[silvagod]

Kass, you're getting good at this forum stuff aint ya?

Your H has lost control of you, it's a pathetic attempt to break you and make you feel sorry for him and go crawling back saying you are sorry and he really IS the one doing the work. I have seen that SO many times before. Treat it exactly as that. He is not trying to purposefully hurt you, it's a control thing.

You are in charge and he doesn't like it. I think the person from the church has it all wrong to suggest you copy his antics. Well done you for saying no to that. He isn't trying to disrespect the M, he is trying to belittle YOU. In his eyes, he has done SO much work and you haven't thrown your arms round him yet and told him how wonderful he is doing (which is what he will be expecting from you on at LEAST a daily basis) so he does what he thinks will make you notice, he tries to regain the upper hand. That aint worked though!

I would honestly prepare yourself for more of the same if you carry on being strong. He is the one floudering, he hasn't got a clue what you are doing, it's all new to him. You KNOW where you are going, you are going to where the sun is shining and right now, that is in the opposite direction from him. He doesn't know the way there, but only he can find it.

I would honestly carry on as you are, keep your ring on if you feel like, it as a sign (he will notice that, I doubt he will mention it, but he WILL see it) and continue to be as dark as possible. You stick to your path and leave him to try and follow if he wants to.

[Startingover2]

How are you doing today Kassie?

[lemonsnap]

Hi Kassie,
Just stopping by to check in on you and see how you're doing.

Being on a roller coaster is better when you know you've got friends to ride it with!

We can decide to be scared, make ourselves feel sick and dizzy, and keep our eyes closed, or we can sit tall, throw our heads back and whoop it up while we're on the ride.

While you can't control his actions, you can control your reactions.

Hugs!