Married for 11 years, together for 14, my h began to change in 2006. He had always been very active in sports but started taking it to a higher level, golfing all spring, summer and fall while I took care of the house (no kids)and playing hockey every Friday and Sunday all fall and winter. He also snowboards most Saturdays through the winter. When I complained he told me I should find my own interests so that I wouldn't be pissed off at him. A couple of times I was at the end of my rope and suggested we split but he always insisted that he loved me, wanted to me married to me, and would do better. He never did.
After quitting smoking (01) and drinking (02/03) because of a promotion that required him to be in early and alert, he started both again and hid the smoking from me. Initially I thought the drinking was just because he wanted to fit in better with his colleagues who go out a lot with clients, as well as the guys he plays hockey and golf with. I didn't find out about the smoking until late 07.
His outside activities started to get out of hand with him staying out until 3:30 in the morning on Friday nights and often that late during the week. He would wake me up coming in and had no regard for the fact that I had to get up for work in the morning or that I was worried about him. I felt like I had a 21 year old roommate.
He completely closed himself off emotionally though he has always been emotionally distant anyway due to childhood issues. He was molested by his father (as were all the children), although he does not remember anything, and his mother was aware of it.
We discussed divorce at the beginning of 08 and for the first time he agreed but then after some discussion we decided to go to counselling. We went for a few sessions but it was a disaster because he made it look like he rarely went out and told the C that I never got over the death of my brother in 99 and that was the reason I was unhappy. Regardless, I still tried to save the marriage and whenever I asked him, he told me we made the right decision and that he was happy and loved me. We bought furniture for our new home and were discussing retirement plans (not really close to retirement though).
His behaviour started to revert to late nights during the week again in mid-May and on Jun 2 I told him that we were through after he came home late and said "I'm confused and don't know what I want." It appeared he couldn't say he wanted a divorce so he just continued to treat me badly until I had no choice but to end the marriage. He even called me the next morning to ask if we were now separated and seemed upset.
Whenever he came to the house his mood was different, he would say: I wanted to enjoy my life but still be married to you, I can't see staying married; I didn't think I could live without you; i am afraid I am going to regret this in a few months or years; I don't understand what happened, we were so good together; we were so happy last summer; we have a great relationship; i fell out of love with you a year and a half ago; we don't work; we grew apart; I am looking forward to new relationships; it will be exciting after 14 years with the same person; we have different interests; i want to see what i can accomplish without you; the last two weeks together, i was miserable; i am happy without you; i want to golf guilt free, i want to play hockey four times a week; i am having a good time with my hockey buddies; i could never talk to you because you are so judgemental; i didn't think you were really unhappy - just pissed off; i was so bored; you buried me - never letting me do the things I wanted to do. He even said once that he thinks he is having a MLC but when I asked him if he read about it he said no, but figures he is textbook.
When I wanted to talk about "us" he would bolt out the door. Told me that he can't talk to me because his emotions are blocked. Usually answered "I don't know" to any questions. He never wanted to talk to me on the phone and didn't assist me at all with the sale of the house.
After our separation I discovered that during our so-called attempt at saving our marriage he was spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars getting lap dances after hockey on Fridays (which I found out in Aug 08) as well as having an physical affair with a woman he claims he met in a coffee shop in Dec 07 (which I found out Jan 09). He says he wasn't looking for an affair, didn't plan an affair, but it happens to couples all the time and they had a "real connection."
I had found out in November that he was living with someone (same woman) but he told me that he met her in July and moved in with her at the end of Sept. When I asked him how he could do that he told me that he is really really happy and that she is a lot of fun. Told me that everything was f**ked up and he doesn't want to talk about it. When I pressed, he refused to elaborate. Told me that he didn't think about me when he moved in with her because I am no longer part of his life. Then he told me that he couldn't stand sex with me (when we were working on our marriage) and that he only felt trapped. Told me that I am so cold he could not tell me the marriage was over.
When I had proof that the relationship started before our separation and called to confront him, he told me that he didn't leave because he wanted our marriage to work. Then he told me that he told OW that he would leave me. Then he told me that he wished he had ended the marriage years ago. Told me that he doesn't miss me or our relationship. Told me that he told his family that he started "dating" her in Dec 07 and they support him and do not judge him because he is so happy.
So now I am almost at 9 months separation and the divorce should be final by end of April. I filed on the grounds of Adultery and he has admitted so I don't have to wait the full year.
My question for you veterans is:
Is this a MLC or does he just not want to be married to me anymore?
My reasons for wondering are that he has made no attempt to contact me since we finalized the separation agreement in Jan and he rarely contacted me before that. If he is depressed or confused or whatever, why would he move in with someone right away? Is it possible that he really is just happy and I am wasting my time thinking about him. He has certainly said very out of character and horrible things to me but I am not sure about the anger referred to in the stages of MLC.
I don't feel like our marriage is fixable and am trying to get on with my life but want answers so that I can put this behind me. I still love him but I don't think I can get over the pain.
I'm very sorry for what you've gone through. I think you've come to the right place, though. There's a lot of information here about MLC. You might want to start with "Midlife for Dummies," a humorous (but incredibly accurate) template for what the MLCer must do to mess with his spouse's mind. I believe your H has, indeed, managed to get out whole chunks of the "script" and acquitted himself in a textbook manner!
From what you describe, it does sound like an MLC. But then, an MLC is really just a period of deep depression, so he's also exhibiting many depresssive signs. Do you know if there was some sort of trigger in 2006--something to do with his abusive father perhaps, or the death of someone close to him, or some other major life event?
You ask about the anger stage. In my experience, the first stage (denial) was a time of the MLCer closing off emotionally, denying he had emotions even. "I don't know" became the answer to just about every question. This was a very passive-agressive period, in which he would block everything until I became upset or angry, and then quietly state, "I can't talk to you if you're crying/yelling."
After that, everything made him angry (but nothing was his fault). His boss and co-workers were stupid. The news was aggravating. The neighbours. Other drivers. His family. MY family. And how could he not get upset if I did something that annoyed him? At this point, the MLCer often demonstrates a nasty streak that comes as a bit of a surprise. It's like an outward manifestation of the nasty voice they hear internally, telling them they're no good, etc.
You ask why someone who was depressed or confused would move in immediately with another person. It's for the same reason they try to bury themselves in golf, snowboarding, alcohol, etc--the "high" of being with someone new, like the adrenaline rush of snowboarding or the mellowing influence of alcohol, makes them temporarily feel happy. It allows them to postpone doing the hard work of actually dealing with their depression that gnaws away at them for years until they finally face it. Also, having an OP allows them to tell themselves that every problem they ever had was the spouse's fault, and their lives will be wonderful now. It doesn't last, of course, but they create a sort of self-brainwashing state (known as "the fog") which rewrites the past and creates wonderful promises for the future.
I hope that (partly) answers some of your questions. There's a lot of information here, and suggestions for good books you could read to help you understand why your life has been upended, and how you can move on.
His father died but believe it or not I cannot remember what year. I think maybe 2005. They were estranged after his father admitted to molesting him and the rest of the children. My h sent him an email asking him how he could have done what he did when we were told that he was sick but his father never responded. There is a special place in Hell for that man and for h's mother as well as far as I am concerned.
What appears to be more of a trigger is he got a promotion at work in 2000 and started getting very substantial bonuses at end of 2005. He does not have the education one would expect for the amount of money that he earned the last three years of our marriage and is always under stress about losing the job. Almost like he feels he is going to be "found out."
My h never raised his voice in 14 years together. Not once. I used to think that was good. Not anymore.
The only displays of anger I saw before we split was his frustration with the work that had to be done in the old house we bought (at his insistence). I asked him to paint the powder room one day. All he had to do was paint as I had done all the taping prep and he didn't speak all day. Sulking like a child really. He also got a little mad when I told him I needed help weeding the garden (it was huge).
I noticed that he was REALLY sick of the type of music we always listened too, constantly changing the station and saying "I'm so sick of that!" Very out of character.
He grew his hair a fair bit longer over the past few years and just before we split he started taking hair-loss pills (without telling me) because he started to lose his hair and was really concerned. Now I know why. He already had a pierced ear but doesn't wear an earring and also already had the tattoos. It's not about getting older in his case, I don't believe, as he is young (41) and looks a lot younger.
He is a very reserved, mild-mannered person. Hated any type of confrontation. Maybe he just can't get angry.
He didn't show any frustration with our families and seems to have reconnected a bit with his since our split. It seems that the only thing that has changed in his life is me.
Kai, do you know how old your H was during the abuse? I ask because I too was molested as a child (though not by my parents, thank God). I didn't consciously remember any details of the abuse until, after going through counselling and being married for years, suddenly, while having sex, an image floated into my mind. I could feel my mind crashing it shut after a split second. It happened a few more times, and I realized it's all there in my memory, it's just that my mind refuses to access it. But it's as though, as long as I didn't deal with the anger, pain, etc, it was very hard to "focus" on my life ... as if a huge part of my energy wasn't accessible. Once I finally forgave my abuser, I changed, and felt a lot more confident about myself. Even so, I've read that when the abuser dies (which mine hasn't yet) there are huge repercussions. If your H has not dealt with his abuse (compounded by his mother's complicity), it's a massive trigger for depression.
As for whether it's an MLC--from the evidence I've gathered, they often strike men who have deep unresolved issues, who were "silenced" as children, who had abusive parents, who are "Nice Guys" that never learned to deal with their anger or emotions, who have very low self-esteem--which seems consistent with the picture you're painting? Another factor can be that they've missed a stage in their normal development, and need the chance for a do-over (of, say, adolescent rebellion).
You say your H is only 41. Mine was 39 when his mother died and his MLC began. He, too, dived into sports, new haircut, new (younger) music. He said things like, "I've had to be responsible all my life; now it's time for me." He started connecting emotionally with other women. It wasn't so much a stated fear of aging, but of missing out on things in life.
To me, your H's confusion, rewriting of your history, etc, sound like MLC. You'll soon know if it really is one, as he'll find that changing the people and accessories in his life still don't make him happy, and he'll look more and more miserable and "alien."
I don't think his father ever said how old they were when he started on them but from what we know, it seems like it started pre-teen for all of them (2 boys, 2 girls). His brother remembers a bit. One sister remembers more and she has some fairly serious emotional issues. My h (the youngest) and the eldest sister remember nothing.
H has always refused to really talk about it and adamantly refused counselling. His stance is "If I can't remember, why risk therapy that makes me remember and causes me issues." "I've dealt with it and moved on." He really hasn't, of course, and I told him the night I told him our marriage was over that he needed to get help to deal with the fact that his mother abandoned him. I knew nothing about MLCs at that time but knew he was running from something. I just wish he hadn't decided to run from me.
I am sorry to hear about your own abuse. The older I get the more shocked I am at the number of victims of childhood sexual abuse. It's just so unimaginable. I grew up with an alcoholic father so I have some idea of what a disfunctional family is, and the damage it causes children, but know that it doesn't get much worse than sexual abuse.
I am taking care of myself, thank you. I go to the gym and I eat a lot because I've lost a lot of weight and was already pretty thin. I've got about 4 pounds to go to get back to my pre-separation weight. Can't sleep past 4:00 a.m. but from what I've read, that appears to be fairly normal. Thinking about taking a night course to keep busy. All my friends are married with children so it's hard to find people to spend time with so I'm mostly alone with the cats.
You may want to consider that you will not get the answers you are hoping for or any explanation. It really won't change anything. Once someone moves on, there is no reason to spend any time or effort trying to figure out the why's or try to explain yourself. I can only speak from the other side of the coin. Sounds to me like he is done and has moved on. There is no reason for him to contact you or respond - especially since you don't have kids together.
My 2 cents is see a personal C to help you thru your feelings and to assist you in moving to the next stage of your life.
You very well may be right Stillhope but, if as you say, it sounds like he is done and has moved on, why was I the one who had to end the marriage? Why did he keep telling me that he wanted to be married to me while he was cheating with an OW as well as lapdancers? Why the non-stop lies, both before the separation and after?
From what I have read the MLCer frequently comes out of the "fog" and regrets what they have left behind. I guess I am having a hard time accepting that he has just shut the door to his past to easily.
When we talked about divorce in Jan08, I had every reason to believe that we would split amiably and with as little hurt to each other as possible. That is the person I married -- not this person who as inflicted as much pain and confusion as possible onto the person he loved.
Stillhope may have a point--it's quite possible your H will never give you any answers. However, I also know what it's like to be the sort of person who has to reach an understanding of the situation before she can move on. Knowledge is empowering, and it makes the world seem a much less random place if you can come to some sort of understanding of why your marriage failed, etc. In my case, I read everything I could for months, until I came to a place where I felt compassion for my H's pain.
My H came out of his fog after 4 years, but only because of an excellent C. Some men, I understand, can take years longer than that. For some, the act of actually confronting their fears is so terrifying that they run for years. There's also the chemical component of depression to be considered: as their seratonin levels go down, depressed men exhibit certain behaviours at certain levels, and the seratonin rush they get from OW, lapdancers, etc, may be as much pain relief as they seek for some time. So, each person's timeline cannot be predicted; it may depend on the level of damage they've sustained.
So, the person you married is in there somewhere. But you're probably the person he loved and trusted the most in his life, so as long as he hates himself, he's not going to be able to offer you anything.
In the end, I see my H's MLC as having been inevitable, given the work he needed to do on himself to "grow up." And agonizing though it was, it forced me to do much needed work on myself, too. Can you see some sort of (backwards) positive like that for yourself as well?
I don't know if this is exactly what you're looking for. I ended up reading so much that I'm not sure where it was all located, but if you have some specific questions, maybe I can point you in a helpful direction.
Good for you for putting on weight--the affair diet is a killer! What kind of classes are you thinking of taking?
I fear my h will never realize what he has done because I can't imagine him seeking any help. He's pretty stubborn.
I also don't expect him to contact me and I have not contacted him since we finalized the separation agreement and don't plan to in the future. I am just trying to find peace with what has happened. I am not sure I will ever find a positive in it however, as I feel we had a very good marriage and miss him (the old him) very much.
I have read a lot of stuff on this site as well as 40/60 and it does help me realize that this is about him and not me but sometimes I start to doubt myself and wonder if I could have done something differently. I am a mostly logical person as opposed to emotional and this bizarre, crazy, contradictory situation has really thrown me for a loop. If someone told me a similar story two years ago, I would have thought they were nuts.
I am going to take a Paralegal course. I negotiated the settlement with h without any help from my $550/hr attorney and it reignited an interest I always had in Law. Not sure if I would pursue a career in the field but I think it might be interesting.
I feel for you. It's horrible to realize that somebody who you really loved, and devoted years to, and thought of as your ideal mate, could walk away with so few regrets. But you've stated that he's a good man inside, so it sounds as though all his confusion really is a sign that he does have regrets and better impulses ... he just can't access them consistently (or for long) at the moment.
Good for you for doing all the reading! I found that the descriptions and wild stories about MLC, in the end, painted a fairly consistent picture of how the MLCer behaved, and I came to the conclusion that I couldn't have done anything to prevent my H's crisis. All I could have done differently was change how I responded to it; it took me a long time to learn to be friendly and detached. He was near the end of replay before I figured that one out! But I don't think that my being like that any earlier would have changed his journey--he really was lost in the fog. You're familiar with the stages; where would you say your H is?
You said your father was an alcoholic--do you mind if I ask whether you've done counselling for that?
Hey, I'm impressed you negotiated that settlement by yourself! The Paralegal course sounds very interesting and should certainly keep you busy.
