things might be getting better...

[Esky94]

Previous sitch --> previous sitch

Well, for the past two weeks my friend FA has been helping me stay focused on my 180s. Or as he puts them staying functional. Only have functional conversations with your W. Stick to logistics involving you and her or the kids. Make committments to DO things and just make them happen. Don't bring other people's opinion into the equation. Don't talk about gossip. Just work on the things that need action. Pay the bills. Pay the mortgage.

The contradictory part is to put aside any emotional reaction I have to activities which might be considered "part of a D". Things like written parenting plans, financial settlement, splitting up the cars. He's saying just move towards D as fast as I can and once the D is just an application away, she'll have all this history of me having done stuff for her. And then she'll have to decide. It sounds counter-intuitive...but the things my friend said was "Lead the last mile".

So she got the roses on Friday and I don't think they went into the bin. On Saturday, W came over after work for dinner. We talked a little bit about the kids and both studiously avoided talk about R, property, cars. We talked about the pizza stone she gave me for Xmas and how well or badly the pizza's turned out. Otherwise, we didn't talk much. I had learned during my dad's visit that he is the introvert and mom is the extrovert. So I just decided to stay calm and accepting of the non-conversation between us.

We cleaned up the kids. We played Wii together with D3 and D6. She really liked the fishing game and shooting game. She read stories for the girls and offered to put them to bed while I did the dishes. I'm not one to stand in the way of a mother so I cleaned up.

When she came out, everything was washed and the computers were all set for Age of Empires. We played three games from 9pm to 11:30pm. We won one and lost two. She suggested we sleep in Sunday morning, in our respective houses, and then go for yum cha together with the girls.

I said I would find a good restaurant in Hurstville. I did and it was packed with Chinese people...which always helps. She asked me to hold back and order more slowly, which is not what we normally do. It was all good.

We finished lunch and bought some dessert pastries. Then we went to my favourite Men's Barber for a cut. I asked in a loud voice, "give me a haircut to make me look like a hot Lebanese boy". My hairdresser just smiled. He looked at W and said "Did you hear that?" W piped up "Yes, I did". I had my hair cut and washed and flirted wildly with the other two young girls who were apprentice hairdressers.

We did a bit more shopping in the shopping mall and then she drove me home. We decided to take another couple we knew to the yum cha restaurant sometime soon.

Pfwoof! Watch this space. I feel very nervous.

[Esky94]

Gosh, it's been a long time. I'm feeling pretty good today, but as I sit down the feelings start coming out. A bit angry. More sadness. Shame for letting my girls down and allowing things to get to this point. I've learned to not get down on myself for having these feelings. I've learned to just let them flow through me and not react to them. It doesn't change the pain they cause because that's still real, but it's good to be able to just sit and feel through it all.

I still have faith that the way to patch this marriage is to be patient and learn to work through my anger. It's tough as a guy because I have to learn what normal emotions are all about and my first experience is with this whirlwind of self-blame, insecurity, anger.

I'm still able to focus 100% on the girls. They're doing really well. We needed to talk to the D6 teacher about some concerns we had about D6's behaviour and W and I were able to present a united front. The communication back and forth with the teacher was excellent and we solved a lot of things and she was able to take many things on board. She even commended us on how we write in the "Team Book' back and forth and said we should give a seminar to other separated parents. I'd rather not get complimented on that, but I have to remember the present is where I am now.

For someone like myself who's always been scared of fighting, I've been having lots more fights lately and getting better at standing my ground while trying to listen actively and try to mirror back. W got pissed off at me because I was trying to mirror a situation back over the phone. I don't think that works very well.

I sent her a memorial card around the time her dad passed away. I miss him too and wanted to tell her that. She shaved all her hair off for "The Big Shave" and she was happy that I sponsored her a big amount. She shaved it to support a work colleague who's going through chemotherapy. I'm just trying to be as encouraging as I can from a distance.

I've decided that if this is all gong to end I'm just going to lead the last mile. So I sent her a big long letter on the various chats and mediation sessions we'll need to finalise the
parenting plan and financial settlement.

I just spoke to her tonight and she didn't mention the email. We were interrupted by the girls. I'm not going to be awkward and ask things like "Did you get my big email?" when she's trying to get the girls to sleep.

I was reading something in the Quotes II sticky and R2C posted a link to this thread. It's amazing. BH does not exactly have my situation, but the list of books at the bottom are really good. It's nice to see how many I've read myself.

Well, in two weeks we're off to a church weekend camp. She arranged for us to have sleeping quarters with the pastor, but when she came to talk to me about it, she asked "The girls and I will be sleeping in the Family Room. There's room for you or did you want to sleep the Men's Single section?"

I said "No" and pointed to the Family Room. I figured she would not have put herself in the position of being that close to me overnight if she didn't want it to happen...so we'll see.

We've had a few verbal altercations, one was my doing, the other one...geez, I wonder why sometimes I want to get back together with this one. But I try to learn as much as I can from it and let it go. Arg! *sigh*

I need ideas on nice things to do to keep building that friendship bridge.

Esky

[Esky94]

Well, given that it's obvious that she's not really putting any energy into the relationship, I've decided to take the lead and start pushing things towards wrapping things up.

I've arranged the interviews with the govt Family Relationship Centre to get interviews and appointments with the family liason officer and mediator to get the parenting plan and financial settlement stuff all cleared up.

Divorce, apparently, is a totally separate option. The lady I spoke to said whether people get a divorce is a "personal choice". So, it seems like once you get the parenting plan and the financial settlement done and agreed and executed. We are, for all intents and purposes, divorced. Gosh, that's a scary realisation.

The other angle of it, is that I've realised that if a man is going to take responsibility, then I have to "lead the last mile". Even if it's not where I want to go. I've gotta get things setup as best I as I possibly can for the kids so they're affected as little as possible. Then perhaps once that's all clear, W and I can talk about things with "us".

I feel like Abraham sacrificing his son.
I feel like Daniel walking into the Lion's Den.
I feel like Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego getting thrown into the firey furnace.

I'm trying to do the "right thing" and it seems to be leading where I don't want to go. But I'm still going to keep doing it. It's really annoying because she keeps trumpeting about wanting her independence. But she's only willing to do just enough to get me out of the house. She's willing to keep letting me pay for things.

I've sent her an email with a plan out to Mid May on the meetings and sessions required to get the financial settlement and parenting plan down in place. I don't know if she's read it. I sent a few other emails the same day and some more the day after. I know she read the one the day after. She hasn't replied to any of the emails.

Yesterday, W called me up because she had finished her chat with the family liason officer. She was told about a parenting while separated course and the last one for the month was that same night. I've done it already and she wanted to know if I would babysit. My first response was it would be very inconvenient at work. We agreed I would call my managers and she would call some friends to see where we could be flexible. In the end, she arranged some babysitting so I could show up later and pick up the kids. That's team work. Now why can't we use that as a basis for the relationship with us??

Esky

[Esky94]

So W has been to the next meeting with the mediator. She hasn't come back to me with a date to talk about the first meeting yet. She's avoiding the whole issue and not taking responsibility for talking.

I asked W today about the mail I sent a week and a half ago with the dates and milestones for getting through the process. She mentioned getting back to me after she's had the first meeting with the family liason officer, but that's not what I was asking. I said the email I sent on the Sunday with all the dates. Her response was "Oh...I probably ignored that one". Oh great. I said, "Well, can you have a look at it because it's got a lot of dates which are suggestions and I would like to have some input".

She rolled her eyes and just walked away.

I'm disappointed with her. It's obvious she's not even interested in doing a separation with any level of mature communication, so what am I supposed to do?

Sigh. Back to working on me.

However, I'm feeling very strong for taking the the issue to her. I feel, though, that perhaps I shouldn't be using her to learn how to get courage...and just be courageous in our relationship. I don't now how many people would understand that. It's dammned if I do and damnned if I don't.

Sigh. Back to working on me.

Esky

[Esky94]

Gosh so much has happened recently. I blew it with the stage one stuff and we're back to square one. W thinks I'm nothing but a source of pain and pressure. Doh. I am, on the other hand becoming more sensitive to W and other people's body language.

But I have some new information now. This is how I blew it. If we go to a family church conference and the speaker is talking about how to communicate in a marriage and she rejects it in anger, then there's not much I can do. If W claims to have a faith and gets taught from that faith from the Bible and reacts negatively, then what can I do? She's not interested and that's the baseline. My mistake was reminding her about the talk. Oh well.

Tonight I called W up to follow up on a call yesterday about replacing the hot water system for one of our investment properties. Interestingly, because I had already started collecting information about the situation, the quotes from the plumber and the replacement options, I called W in a very "solid leadership" kind of mood. And fortunately, she responded and stayed engaged with the discussion in a positive tone. Even though the house isn't in her name, I think I made W feel involved. We discussed a few more details to track down and I said I would find out. I couldn't get hold of her later Friday afternoon so I had to make a decision and left a message to that effect.

Today, I called up in the evening.

She asked how I was. I was honest and said, "exhausted". I knew that was okay because I had the kids and she knows we both know it's not easy.

I asked if W had received the message. She had and she thanked me for it. Since the decision had been made, I did not talk any more about it. There was no need to consult her, I think that would have appeared weak for me.

She asked about the girls. I said they're good and in the shower. Plain and factual. I said I had to reprimand D3 for playing gymnastics on the towel rack. W giggled a bit in a knowing way. I then went on to say D3 was swinging her arms in frustration after I told her to stop and smacked her hand against the toilet seat and cried. I could literally feel the conversation turn cold because she didn't say anything. I don't know what W was thinking, but I wonder if some anger or judgment was being withheld in the conversation.

I kept going and added that the girls were wondering what CPR was while watching a cartoon and I said mom would tell them after her First Aid course. Mom could tell them that evening. W sounded puzzled. "Huh?" I reminded her gently that I needed to get to work early on Monday and she was taking the girls on Sunday night. She said, "Oh yes. I forgot.". I said calmly, "That's okay". And she quickly got off the phone.

I wonder if I should have used that to poke a bit of fun at her. I'm too nice sometimes. I think it weirds people out. Her especially. She might think I'm holding back all kinds of horrible thoughts and being "dishonest". Heck, I'm just a nice Canadian fella who got raised to not say bad things to people. Gotta stop that.

I went to a Communication and Conflict Resolution course a week ago and kept in contact with one woman on the course. One thing I liked about the course is learning that good communication makes us feel good. I had forgotten that somewhere along the way in life. We hit it off really well and have kept in touch quite a bit. She's a single mom and left her physically abusive husband. The one thing I've learned is that although her complaints are totally understandable from her point of view, there's only so much whinging about her ex and pining for her kids I can put up with. Arg! After a while, I need to say or do something to snap her out of it and make her laugh or just somehow remind her that she's a woman and I'm a man. Yes...I'm flirting pretty outrageously. I'm finally practicing what I've learned and the important thing is observing how she responds to me.

Actually, this is going to sound a bit harsh, but I've had an epiphany. The only rule a man needs to know about handling a woman is that she has to respond to him positively, or else, why bother. This is a skill. Part of my GAL is to master that skill, and when it's pretty rock solid, re-direct it towards my W. Otherwise, she'll just stay in mother-mode and we'll be history.