It's Complicated! Part 4

[brandnewday]

Sometimes when we allow ourselves to really step back from the situation, and we take off the rose colored glasses, we can see our Spouse for who they truly are.

When we are thrown into this MLCinsanity we, the LBS don't really see things as they are. We want so badly to have our Marriages restored and for things to just be normal again.

We make changes and we continue to exude unconditional love and patience, which is in itself a wonderful thing, but it is also like throwing pearls before swine.

Until they truly want to change and make changes it will always be the LBS who puts in all of the effort into the Marriage, even if they come home.

Glam, whatever happens, whatever you decide, please know that you fought the good fight. The last part of the crisis is the hardest and the most frustrating.

Hang in there, love him from a distance.

((((hugs))))

[job]

Glam,
Hope you are feeling a bit better this afternoon. This leg of the journey is the hardest part. Love him from afar.

Here's my take on the receipts, and it's just my opinion, I don't think your h is out playing games at the gym. I think your h is so screwed up w/depression, he's going out at that time of the morning because he can't sleep. If he were out exercising, he would have mentioned it by now. I think he tossed that comment in about the games, etc., because he knows you are up and going to the gym. Glam, it doesn't matter, listen and then let his excuses fly out the window. I just do not believe him at this time.

As for you my friend, lots of liquids, rest and comfort foods. Let him go for a while and concentrate on yourself and your children. He'll catch up if he really wants to. Whatever you decide to do, Glam, I'm there w/you 100%.

Take care of yourself...you are a valuable cyber family member.

[naej]

Hi Glam hope you are having a better day.

"My eyes are swollen today from crying"

Have you tried cold tea bags on the eyes they really do help.
(I used to pop them in fridge for a while after I had made and drank my tea)
The round tea bags are also just the right shape for puffy eyes.
Take care.

[glamgirl]

Thanks BND and Snodderly for your words of wisdom.

I don't believe he is playing racketball either Snodderly, he would have mentioned it. It was his way to dodge the subject which is repeated over and over and over in his behavior through this whole crisis. He can't look me in the eyes and tell the truth, but it's ok I am not going to waste anymore time on it.

It was yet another opportunity to open the door for my h to tell the truth, but he won't, he doesn't have it in him. It's more important for him to be secretive than to tell the truth.

You are right BND I so wanted to restore my M and didn't want to accept my h truly for who he was, but the receipts thing really opened my eyes. I know he is going through the drive thru and not eating inside and it's always for 2 not one person. It's interesting though, he made such a big deal of not allowing food in his car, but I guess that's all changed at 5am. There was also several occassions where he went back around 10 or 11am to the same location.

I would like to say I don't care, but yes I do and that is why it hurts so much and I realize that he just doesn't have it in him to care what I think. When he is here he acts like he cares, but then I get a glimpse of reality. Driving who knows who around at 4 or 5am, but what does it matter anymore. Like I said before, there is no room for me right now in h's life.

All I ever here from h is how all he does is sleep and how depressed he is, but that doesn't appear to be the case. It sounds like he has a pretty active am life and has found someone to eat with him on a daily basis. All I ever wanted from him was to be an honest man. H and I used to have many phone convos all hours of the night, you would think he would call sometime just to talk, but not the case.

I am just so dissappointed. BND I really wanted my h to be someone different. I really wanted to believe in him and what he was saying. I wanted him to find God so much. I wanted my m to be restored like that movie Fireproof.

I will try the teabag suggestion Naej. Thanks all for listening to my despair. I am sorry if I sound down. I am just dealing with the grim reality ahead for me and h on this journey.

I do not regret treating h with love and respect. It is the better way and at least we can go on and co-parent as friends and not enemies.

[job]

Glam,
It's time for you to take are of Glam. You've been a kind, loving and compassionate person to your h throughout all of this. Love him from afar, but you need to continue moving forward.

He is still in crisis and he will continue to lie and be secretative for many months to come. He still does not feel he can tell you the truth about what he's doing, where he's going and with whom. I do not think he's got the active social life at 5 a.m. I do think that his depression has him so screwed up that he doesn't know which end is up.

Glam, we can't be sure that he isn't stocking up on the food for himself. He could very well be not fixing anything and then when the morning comes, he's binging, i.e., purchasing food for two and then going back later. Some of these folks do eat a lot of food...it becomes their addiction. I'm not making excuses for his behavior, but I'm just pointing out that something is seriously wrong with this picture of being at a drive thru at that time of morning and then going back later to the same place.

Yes, you are disappointed that things haven't gone the way that you thought that they should, but Glam, you aren't dealing w/a rational/sane individual. You are dealing w/someone in deep depression. They do not act like normal people at all. He's sleeping a lot which means he's not eating meals in a normal setting of three meals a day. This guy is most likely only eating when the hunger gets to be too much. Again, I'm not making excuses, I'm giving you some food for thought because he's doing exactly has been written about the "dark" depression.

The only grim reality here is that you will need to continue down the path on your own and just leave him be. Accept him for who he is right now. The man you knew and loved pre-crisis is gone and may not return once the baking is complete. Your man may be a new and improved one or he could be someone you do not like. The jury is still out on this while the baking is being completed.

Glam, your expectations have been set far, far too high. Leave them in a box up on a shelf for now. The man can't give you any more than he has to offer right now. As difficult as this may be for you, and yes, you may think I'm blowing smoke, I do think that his depression is creating a lot of issues for him right now, the eating, the sleeping and the lying about what he's doing. Listen and file away what he says. He needs to know that you aren't going to point fingers at him right now.

Again, this is the hardest part of the journey. I've told a number of posters this who get to where you are. The only advice I can offer to you is to continue moving forward. If he wants to join you, and can actually catch up w/you, he will.

Glam, it's time to take care of you! The good lord will watch over your h and take care of him. I wish that I could give you a hug this evening because I really do think you need one.

[dl443322]

Hey my friend, so sorry to hear your pain. Listen, you need to take care of you.

The real purpose of dbing is to change and grow, to learn who we are and what we want.

So, take some time for you. Do not feel bad or that you are a failure. You are a wonderful, compassionate, honest, caring human being. Never, ever forget that.

[glamgirl]

Thanks Snodderly. I do appreciate your advice and wisdom. Last week I picked up 4 books from the local library on depression, to try to get my arms around what h is dealing with. Any good book titles, please let me know.

Not sure about the expectations too high Snodderly. If you could elaborate I would appreciate that. I will take that cyber hug thanks.

BM thanks for stopping by and offering support.

H just called. I did answer, since I had sent an e-mail that his boss was calling. He asked what I was up to and what his boss left as a message. He also asked if I could check the mail as he was expecting an important piece of mail.

We chatted a few about his job and then he said he had to go. He said he is taking this week off as vacation from his job.

I am off this week too. Praise God, since I am not sure how I could handle job responsibilities this week.

Thanks all for the support, I can really use it right now.

[peacetoday]

((((GG))))))
peace

[Silent Chrleader]

Wow, [[[[[[[[[[Glam]]]]]]]]]]

There must be something funky in the karma the past several days because it sure has been a challenging time for many of us!! {Although I can't see my new baby grand-daughter as a "bad thing" ).

Glam, "success" has nothing to do with whether or not your marriage is "reconciled". You are now and will always be to me a shining example of grace and dignity and unconditional love in the face of tremendous odds! I know without doubt that my life has been enriched by watching you, and I know many others here who feel the same!

I don't know if your M really is "over" as you think.....maybe this is just the kick in the pants your H needs to "hit bottom"......whatever the outcome, Glam, be secure in the knowledge that you did a LOT more for your M and your family than most ever even come close to!! You are an absolutely amazing woman!! I honestly can't say that enough!!

I will try to e-mail or call in the next couple days before I head down toward CA. I would really like to meet you. If not on the way down, maybe on the way back. Or maybe sandycay and I can come down on a weekend or something.

Hang in there!!!!!

[[[[[[[[[[SUPER HUGS]]]]]]]]]]

[stella_k]

Dear ((((Glam)))),

I can so relate with your pain and I'm so sorry!

It is too early for me to get really better, but I can tell you that after a few days only I already can feel a little bit of relief. No more analizing, assuming and agonizing over H's actions or lack thereof.

Here is something I found very useful, just wanted to share it with you:

"Just for today I will try to live through this day only and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, “Most folks are happy as they make their minds up to be.”

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my luck as it comes, and fit myself into it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways. I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out. I will do something I don’t want to do—just for exercise. I will be honest about my feelings and take ownership of my needs. I will work to find ways to take care of myself.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress nicely, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with others, and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests—hurry and indecision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half-hour all by myself and relax. Sometime during this half-hour I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful."

—Author Unknown


((((Hugs))))