stella: dancing in limbo

[stella_k]

Dear all.

It's over.

My stand of 27 months has come to an end.

H has come over to pick up our doggy, just I thought he would. He was very calm, very normal. His madness of the last days has gone. He told me that his love for me is gone for real, he needs and wants to be with OW. He will file ASAP.

We had a nice (under the circumstances)talk, very warm and friendly and sad.

I cried a little bit when we said good bye and hugged. I don't have hard feelings and I forgive him. There is nothing he can do about not loving me anymore. He tried to set things right, it just didn't work. After all, he knows better whom he needs in his life.

I am very sad and feel very lonely but I'm ready to start healing.

I also feel like saying good bye - again.
I will not post for a while, there is nothing I can say to others, not right now, may be later I will be able to return to offer my help.
At the moment I feel like a failure.

I hope it will pass.

Good luck to all of you, I love you, thanks for always being here for me.

[Kalni]

(((Stella))),
we've all been there and back a few times. At least I have been. I know the feeling. I am sorry. One thing I know is that each time we come out of it stronger. Maybe this is it, indeed.
Dont look back. Dont let sadness break you. Accept it for what it is, a good bye and take care of yourself. You've been through so much, you know the rollercoaster of emotions. Respect yourself.
You know how to reach me thru FB. Maybe we can chat if you feel like talking? Later? Tomorrow? Drop me a line, ok?
Love
M

[Kalni]

BTW, quit with the "failure" thing... You know better. Go easy on Stella, things will look much better sooner than you think.

[yellowrose]

Stella

Hang in there. Take care of you right now. It doesn't necessarily mean it is the end. Those MLCer's go back and forth so much. I had heard it all before.

You are in my prayers!

Y

[addie]

My dear friend,

I'm so sorry this is happening to you but this may be just what you need to move on with your life. However based on your H's actions of late and as YR suggested, I have a strong suspicion this is not the end. Your H is still very confused.
Right now you need to do your best to GAL. You know we are here for you if you need support even if you don't have any advice to offer for the time being.
Please take care of yourself.

[stella_k]

Thank you, (((friends))).

[Kalni]

((Stella)),
I know you probably feel there isnt a point for you posting anymore, but I am sure you wil need to vent and express what you are going through right now. You know there are a lot of people that care that are willing to listen here...
M

[stella_k]

oh, I don't know, Kalni, may be you're right...

I didn't expect it to be that painful, after all these months.

You see, I've never lost hope, not entirely, I kept believing that H still loves me, that he will eventually realise that Spider is not what he needs in his life. What happened yesterday was the opposite - he finally managed to convince me that his love is gone for good and has been gone for 10 years at least and Spider is what he wants and whom he chose to be with. He said he loved his love for me and not me. After watching him suffering so by my side and not knowing what to do with himself, I understand that he was telling the truth, it's not just MLC speaking.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life in denial. I believed him. Now he has taken into consideration what I've told him about not letting me go and keeping me chained to him and decided (finally!) to change the way he communicates with me. Today I found extremely short and dry message left for me, totally business like, about some money issues. He has NEVER written to me like that. That's what I wanted and asked for, I know, still hurts like h!ll.

I find so many faults now with my DBing and I'm trying not to let myself think that I blew it because I never learned how to let go and kept applying pressure when I should have kept still. My inner voice never did its job properly or may be I just kept ignoring it. Seems like everything I have done backfired.

I cannot blame myself for H leaving this time but I'm certain that I pressured him to come home when he wasn't ready (if he was ever going to be ready) and possibly lost my only chance.

A friend of mine compared our love to well, filled with marvelous water. A couple is sitting by the well, enjoying the taste of water. Suddenly the water is gone. The two keep sitting there, waiting for water to return, suffering from extreme thirst, until one of them finally gets up and goes away in search of a new well. The other one remains there, mourning the loss of water and his companion. Then, after a while, he (she) gets up too and leaves.

Today I'm still sitting there, by the empty well, grieving.

Time to go, I know.

Thanks for listening.

[Kalni]

You gave a good fight, you should have no regrets, you did the best you could and saddly it wasnt enough.

I know you have the need to go back and revisit what has happened, but I doubt it you will find reasons and answers to your questions. But, you will know when to stop. I honestly feel that no matter what anyone tells you, your timeline is to be respected.

One thought that may help is that you have been living alone and doing good for so long. You dont need him. Lately he caused you more stress when he was around than joy. You, youself were wondering how things could continue like that.

Try and stay to today and find little things that give you pleasure. If you read on this board you will see people in situations that sound like nightmares. Violence, abuse, drugs, alcohol, money issues, babies, young kids involved and most of them, if not all, make it through. You will be fine too and you will be better than fine.
Take your time, day by day, it gets easier I hear...
K

[happynow]

Stella,

I'm finally catching up with your thread, wow! What a roller coaster you have been on. I want you to know that I'm thinking about you!!!!

(((((HUGS)))))