Please I need some advice. I'm a bit confused and I know you guys are the best to turn too since you all know the most about saving a marriage. So for those who don't know my sitch, H and I are separated, H is with OW and son. So the other day I realized something. I think that H thinks of me as old faithful and thinks that I will be waiting 'til he decides to come home. I feel that he thinks that its all about him. So I decided that I needed to pull the rug from under him. I told him that I am seeing some, the "OM", which was a lie. I just don't want H thinking that I will faithful just wait on him and like DR said I wanted to give the impression that I am moving on with my life. But DR never said that I should tell the WS that there is someone else. Now I am second guessing myself and not sure if I made a mistake for these reasons: I feel like maybe I've given up all my moral standing. H probably now feels like I am just like him and that its ok not to respect the marriage and to date other people. I feel like I may be givig H the go ahead. Then I feel like I've come down to H's level and am I playing by his rules. H has so many people around him just cheating and not being committed even OW, and now have I just become one of them. Am I giving the impression that I am no longer an different? I told H that I haven't slept with "OM" but he thinks that i'm just lying, like him I guess. Was this a mistake? Should I have taken the higher standing? Should I tell H that there is no "OM" or that I realized that seeing other people is not right since we are still married or should I continue to play along with "OM" existence? Please please give me some advice. I don't know what to do but will await until I get some advice.
Puppy Dog Tail, if you are reading this, I could really use some of your wise words.
vickyd- I can tell you that I do this same thing with my H. For some it works and others maybe not.
I know that it irritates my H to some degree but at the same time I know it makes him think because he is CONSTANTLY asking me what me and "OM" have planned from day to day especially when H takes D7.
He makes comments about me finding "love" with this OM in a way that I KNOW it bothers him.
However, I only give H bits and pieces of what goes on. I do make it known that I am not having sex with OM. Now I don't just come out and tell him that for no reason but I wait until he brings it up in a round about way and I tell him that I am not being anyones booty call therefore sex will not happen until I know there MIGHT be a future with such person.
But this works for me. Only you know your H best. I think some would see it as coming down to our S's level but I see it as making H see that he may actually lose me to someone else and that I am not going to wait around forever for him to come to his senses. Yes it could come back and bit me in the behind but right now that is a chance I am willing to take as I can't find anything else that gets his attention as much as this.
I hope this helps you at least a little. Keep hanging in there:)
Thanks Pooh. As you know our H's are the same and yes the "OM" is bothering him a lot. He keeps bringing him up. Eg. today he saw me and asked if I was going on a date so I just said that what do I look good and he said yes. His cousin even said that he's hurt that I am seeing someone. But then H and I were talking and even though I think what he said is games, I'm wondering if I am giving him ammunition. H said that he knows that he's coming home but that since I am seeing OM that I won't want to stop seeing him. I of course told him that I did not marry OM and promise to God so of course if we decide to work on our marriage we both would have to let go of other people. But I left feeling like I hate the fact that I am now on H's level. The lies, the cheating, etc. where are the morals in this world. So I feel so unsure now that maybe i should have taken the higher ground and stand for what right. But I so hate H taking me for granted.
I think DR kind of recommends GALing and looking good and maybe that might lead the WAS to believe you may be moving on and not just waiting for them forever. Which I think is true for most of us.
I don't remember (could be wrong) DR recommending that you lie to your WAS. Besides the ethical problems with lying about something so serious, I think a lot of WAS might just feel less guilty about their A, and feel like the R is completely over and it's ok for them to do whatever. I personally couldn't do that, plus my kids would let my H know anyway, my d9 is esp. a huge talker!!! Karen
With your H saying he knows he's coming home but brings up you not wanting to stop seeing "OM"..........sounds to me like this....
He SAYS he is coming home and yet has not done that. Actions speak louder than words....he obviously doesn't want you seeing other people.
It is a tough call on what you should do. I try to make it light and joking when my "OM" is brought up. I like to keep H wondering and thinking and for me it works. That is why he only gets tid bits of info from me. I also don't want H thinking I am just going to lay down and wait.
I know Puppy could better help you with this. Don't do or so anything rash right now.
Hi Karen, thanks for the response. Yes, DR does not say to lie to WAS. I know I am so confused as to whether I did the wrong. I was so not comfortable with talking to my H with about his OW and my "OM". Gosh it all sounds so terrible... no morals. H and I have no kids but I don't like the idea of we both not respecting the marriage. I do remember Michele saying that it takes one to tango. But then I HATE the idea of H thinking that I'm waiting and available for whenever he decides to come back to the marriage. I was thinking the "OM" is a 180 breaking H's stereotypr of me. Ahhhhhh, so confused and not sure what is right anymore.
I do not advocate lying to the cheating spouse. You lose the moral high ground. If THEY want to think things because you're looking good and smelling good, that's THEIR issue, and I don't think you should go out of your way to reassure them. But actively lying to them about another man for you?
Nuh-unh. Will it work? Sure, most likely -- but it's a "quick fix," and I just don't think it's right.
Thanks Puppy. I agree that I now think that I have lost my moral ground. Please tell me what you think I should do now. Do you think I should tell H that "OM" is not true? I'm thinking that its too late for that now. Or, should I just say that I'm not seeing "OM" anymore or just leave it alone since I have already gone down this road?
