Jen! How are you doing? I haven't seen you (or Rob) around these parts in a long time!
Yes...I do think it's going to be okay. There has been no contact at all, H is focused on me and our R, and I feel significantly different. H has actually been in a frenzy for the past month planning secret gifts and events for our 10-year anniversary (which was lovely!) and my birthday. He's planned a mystery trip for us to go on next week.
We've been doing a lot of talking lately...about the past, about what we want, where we want to go next. H is actually speaking up about things he'd like, being direct and open in a way I've never seen before. Maybe he needed to see me completely lose it and yell at him on our 5-block walk home from the restaurant we were at? The calm, direct approach wasn't working, and this was definitely something different.
I feel better about our future than I have in a very long while. Still watching though...although sometimes I forget to check for days on end and then think, Oh yeah, I need to look that up. I think that's a good thing, yes?
And all of this has just served to remind me that I need to take care of myself, always. So I've stepped up those things and found ways to spend time with H so we are having fun together. So far, so good.
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Our 15th anniv. is Sept. 4th. I am getting him a light card and a non-romantic but useful present (a veggie tray for the grill). Boy do I wish there was a date or a trip being planned in secret.
Enjoy the heck out of it!
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
OK SD...sounds like you have things under control. Blessings. You are still one of the few. The other is FaithfulH. I admire those that have been able to hold on and reach 'the promised land'.
I"m here.
FIB, over and out.
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Hi SD! Stopped in at the DB boards today and I am seeing updates from so many of my old friends - what a welcome sight! (For the most part, I have been keeping up with folks over in The Alternate Universe...)
Sorry to see that you went through a rough spot there - but equally glad to see that you worked it out and are back on track. Good deal! Nobody ever promised the road ahead would be without bumps - but I know you are a Master Bump Navigator and I have 100% confidence that you'll come out terrific in the end.
Hmmm, I guess fair is fair and I should post an update of my own. Sheesh, now where did I leave that old thread of mine?
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Wow it has been a long time...I have missed u! Yaaa...me to hun, I cant trust my H anymore either..I don't think that I have sense the big bomb 3 yrs ago. I hate to see u hurting, u are such an awesome lady...I am not in a good place right now to give any advice, but please know that u are in my prayers and I lov ya!
All's well with me and H. We communicate better than we ever have, and life is good. Mostly I need to just vent this and then do the work to let it go.
My H is a rescuer. He has a history of being the White Knight, the caretaker, the "good" guy. It was something that caused a lot of trouble in our R and fed into my "bad one" dynamic. (In my family, I was the difficult child as opposed to my pleaser brother.) Since I have dropped my role and stopped playing that part, H's rescue role in M has gone away.
Not so outside of our M, especially with his dad.
My FIL is a nice guy, but he's the Original Victim. He's like Droopy Dog, a perpetual Poor Me. It's the way he controls his kids and wife, and it's the reason my MIL probably divorced him. He doesn't play it with me because he knows I won't buy it...I call him on his B.S. lovingly, so it's not a problem in our R. But my H....
Last night my BIL and his wife, my H and I, and FIL and his wife all got together to celebrate Christmas since we'll all be different places on the actual day. One thing my FIL likes to do is try to bring up politics, but the majority of us have drawn a boundary there. Basically, H is on an extreme end of politics and the rest of us are on the other side. FIL still baits us, especially my H, because H wants to debate and make FIL see it a different way. FIL is convinced he can get H to see it his way. It ALWAYS ends badly, to the point where all the wives have stated that if they start talking politics, we will walk out on them wherever we are and go order an expensive bottle of wine or two on their dime.
Mostly this has worked, but then FIL lobs some stupid comment to bait my H last night right before we're getting ready to leave. H almost engages, but catches my eye and Dad's wife's eye. He then tells FIL that there's no use in discussing politics, as FIL will never change his mind, and H will never change FIL's mind. H asks if they can just agree to disagree. It seems like that goes over well, we all leave, and I think it's over with.
H checks his voicemail this morning, and FIL has left a panicked message saying, "I'm so sick, I need to talk to you," on and on. H thinks FIL is actually ill, and calls back. Is he sick? NO. He says he feels awful because H is like some extremist with a closed mind who won't even listen to outside opinions. Now, this is SO not my H, he just doesn't want to listen to the propaganda my FIL passes on and knows there's no point in having these conversations with his dad. I've been with my H nearly 14 years, and every conversation they have about politics leaves them both upset. IT'S STUPID.
But FIL plays the poor me/victim card and manipulates my H into agreeing to meet sometime soon so FIL can show him the "reams and reams of data" he's collected to prove H's opinion is wrong. And it just pisses me off.
Now, I realize this is not my choice to make. I get it. I'm still furious though, because my FIL has once more gotten his way by playing the victim. H will have this conversation, be upset by the craziness that comes out of FIL's mouth. He'll want to recount the conversation to me and soothe him after it's all done, and it will just put me back into this frustrating space. I have no control over it, and so it makes me nuts.
So H tells me this today, and I told him everything I've told you here, and said I recognize it's his choice, but that if he's insisting on moving forward, please respect that I don't want to hear anything about it when it's over. I told him he was playing into his father's manipulation, that FIL would never let it go unless H changed his views, and that there was no point in it all. But yes, it's his choice, but my boundary is that he leaves me out of all of it.
I guess maybe that sounds harsh or mean, but I really can't continue to put myself in a situation where I have no say or control. H agreed, but didn't know why it made me so upset.
H has had to take care of his dad all of his life, which explains why H is the way he is. At least we've got it solved between us.
Thanks for listening to my rant. I just had to get it out.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Rant away, SD! What fun would life be without a little drama to spice things up from time to time? While this is certainly aggravating while you are in the moment - step back from it for a sec. Then, ask yourself:
If this is the worst thing you have be worked up about - then, hey, life is terrific indeed, isn't it?
While I have your attention, there's a 50/50 chance we'll be doing a family vacation in LA & San Diego over spring break. If that does work out, and you'd like to get together - find me in the Alternate Universe and we can discuss.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
If this is the worst thing you have be worked up about - then, hey, life is terrific indeed, isn't it? grin
Agreed. I was thinking the same thing before reading Rob's post. I wish....WISH....that this had been the problem in my marriage before finding myself in the middle of a divorce.
I wish.
Merry Christmas SD and Happy New Year!
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
