Well...

[Jen_Jam]

It was a really calm, really good conversation. I just told H I didn't want a marriage where we couldn't be honest and real with each other. I want the truth, and I don't want there to be anything we can't talk about.

Excellent SD - no blaming, no agression or arguments. Just a calm and clear stating of wants. Outstanding

I am so proud of myself and how far I've come. I actually said what I wanted to say and needed to say, and let go of my fear/worry of how H would react. I spoke up for myself, and everything is on the table about what I know and how I feel about it. It feels so darn good.

It's great - the elephant in the room has been pointed out, brought out into the light and is being dealt with. Often the fear of dealing with it is greater than the action of dealing with it.

How long did this take? Nearly three years. H started mooning over LW in February of 2006, he bombed me in May 2006, and I feel like I have the opportunity to really let go and really move forward in March 2009. In the process, I've learned to be brave and honest and authentic. That's pretty darn good.

SD

I hear you! It took me about 3 years to feel comfortable to. it's been a good journey and i've learned a LOT from it, but I never thought it would be as long as it was.

You sound good SD. I don't drop in so often these days, but I do think about you. You were like a best buddy to me in the Summer of 2006. Although we never met, I felt you were with me, having that laugh and enjoying life while our respective H's sat crying in their wet nappies! Here's to you!

[Rob1231]

Wow, now THAT sounds more like the SD we know and love. Way to go! I wish I had more good stuff to say - but I just can't think of a single suggestion that you aren't already doing, in spades. Very proud of you!!!!

[faithisbelieving]

STill...taggin along. FIB

[Dr LOve]

wow Sd,

I need to go back and read up on ya
Doc

[faithisbelieving]

Any update? FIB

[SDFoundGirl]

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted on my sitch...a far cry from when the bomb was dropped 3 years ago.

Anyway, just updating, looking for some input on a few things, trying to put things down in writing instead of letting it rattle around in my head. It's clearer when I can look at it.

Generally, things are okay with H. Personally, I feel like I'm about to get sucked into a raging MLC. I'm having the thoughts...is this all there is? I've wasted my life...accomplished NOTHING, etc. Now, I know that's not true, I know these are crazy thoughts to a certain extent, but they are there, and the emotions behind them are STRONG. Some of it is...well, I guess I thought after the bomb and all of our work, things would be different between H and I. To a certain extent they are--we're a lot nicer to each other, and at least I speak up about things. So it's not bad, but...

And I know there is no greener pasture, just different shades. I know that no one else can make me feel better. I know these things. And yet...well, I wonder sometimes how H and I ever got together. What was it that united us? We have pretty different interests in terms of hobbies and how we'd like to spend our free time. H is passionate about music, about seeing every darn band on the planet, even if it's a local band no one even knows. I like music too, but I don't love going to concerts like he does unless it's a band I REALLY love. My idea of fun times is making art, writing, going out for drinks and dinner with friends, reading...

Now, H is into some of that too...but his friends and my friends are really different; he doesn't connect with my friends, I don't really connect with his, so we don't really have close couple friends to hang with. So, mostly, we go out by ourselves. Hiking...restaurants...local festivals...and it's okay, but...

We have similar tastes and beliefs about the world, but we don't really like to *do* the same things, and I wonder if it's possible to maintain a relationship like that. I try to enter his world, but he doesn't really ever try my stuff or what I'd like to do.

Truth? I'm a little lonely, and it doesn't help to have the whole MLC on top of this.

In other news...

Two LW pieces of information, one that actually helped me look at why I was hanging on to her so tightly, one I need your suggestions about.

1. I think I mentioned that LW puts out this "I'm so good and considerate and perfect," vibe to everyone. I mean, sunshine comes out her azz, and H buys into it. Anyway, I found out that when she was 19, she was charged as an accomplice to MURDER, but given immunity to testify against her then boyfriend. She hid the murder weapon for him, but said she didn't know he'd intended to go murder his ex-girlfriend. She'd thought he and his accomplice were using her car TO GO STEAL ELECTRONICS FROM THEIR PLACE OF WORK. And I don't doubt this, but she said she only hid the weapon b/c he threatened her.

No wonder she pretends to be a saint; she has something to hide. I don't know if H knows or not...I doubt it.

So, the reason any of this matters is because I bought into the idea that LW was better/nicer/more "good" than me...I bought into the same illusion that H did, otherwise why would he have pursued her? So, I kind of enjoyed the fact that she is just as flawed and messed up as the rest of us. It removes the mystique.

2. H has reduced contact with LW, but it's not completely gone. How much of it is work related? I don't know...there's really no way to know unless I put a voice recorder in the room where he works. I *do* know that the longer conversations happen when I'm not home (H works from home) or when H is out of the house. So that in itself seems like he's just working harder to hide it. OR maybe I am just insane.

I don't know how to get of MLC and the way I feel about H and my M right now. It's not bad, there's just no connection at all.

Thoughts?

SD

[SDFoundGirl]

One more thing that I forgot in the midst of my rambling...

My H is a pleaser...to every other human on this planet. Because of this, he expects me to sacrifice along with him, sort of the expectation of a co-dependent pleaser thing. He never, I mean NEVER, puts himself first, and then he holds on to his resentment.

It was at the point where we were out walking and we stopped in at a grocery store because I wasn't sure we had anything for his dinner (H and I eat very different diets). We get in, and he becomes nearly paralyzed, asking, "Is this bad? What if we have something at home..." and on and on, just because I mentioned we *might* have the fixings for quesadillas at home, not sure if we do or not. Like because I mentioned it, I was saying it was stupid to be at the grocery store...YES, he really did go to that place, articulated it. I guess I'm of the thought, WHO CARES if we have oodles of food at home, if you want something from TJ's, GET IT. We spent all of $4, and he's all clenched up because he thinks maybe I might think it's stupid based on crazy thinking.

I was listening to a talk show therapist I usually think is a bit crackers but every once in a while has something to say, and she asked one of her callers, "Which parent's feelings did you have to spare growing up?" or something like that. Like, who did you have to put your own feelings aside for or there was hell to pay. Well, that person is his father, and H will drop everything to talk FIL out of his frenzy, to make him feel better...will change plans and expect me to turn on a dime to make FIL "happy," which we all know is not even possible. H articulates this concept as well, but he still gets sucked into the Oh no, Dad is upset, I have to fix it.

I try to step away, and that works so long as H is sane and not expecting me to get sucked into the frenzy.

An example:

My niece and nephew are in town, and we were going to take them kayaking today. FIL *begs* H not to do it (though it's totally fine with their parents) because 25-years ago H's brother tipped over in a canoe and "almost died" (according to BIL, he was just shaken up because it took him a second to get out from under it and he wasn't wearing a life jacket. So H, though he agrees FIL is crackers and we are just teaching our niece and nephew to be afraid, caves in to FIL. FIL then starts pushing for us to take niece and nephew to some wacky-mcCracky cheap-plastic-cr@p game place instead...which H and I totally disagree with. My niece and nephew don't ever just hang out in nature, walk, swim in the ocean, "be". They are always face-down in their DS games, to the point where last year, nephew said to me, "Well what are we going to DO if we put them away???" when I told him to stop playing the game as we were there to see them.

So then H starts caving to that, and we'd be stuck doing that if I hadn't put my foot down and said it was fine if he wanted to do that, but I wouldn't participate in something I thought was harmful. After all, the main point of us trying to do something with the kids on their own was to present a different point of view of how life could be lived and enjoyed.

H lives his life for other people's happiness...and because I don't, won't participate in that fruitless endeavor, it causes conflict. We've had the conversation...and he always spins it to compromising and being a good person and not caring what he's doing and enjoying the moment. When I ask him when any of these people he is living for ever does the same for him, he just stutters.

I get that it's not my problem, but he keeps sucking me into his personal drama, and I am a bad guy because I won't participate in insanity.

No wonder I feel crazy...MLC doesn't seem like such a bad idea to just give into sometimes!

SD

[faithisbelieving]

They say that one person's MLC is the initiator of another person's MLC.

You made it this far.....what's the right choice for you..for SDFG?

FIB

[SDFoundGirl]

They say that one person's MLC is the initiator of another person's MLC.

You made it this far.....what's the right choice for you..for SDFG?

FIB

Wow, that's reassuring. So I can blame H for my own MLC? Does that mean I get a free pass to do all the nutso things he did? LOL In some ways, I think it feels harder to know why I feel the way I feel instead of letting all h3ll break loose.

As to what the right choice is for me, who knows? I have one part of my brain stuck in batchittcrazyville and one part trying to pull the crazy part back to sanity.

Not sure which side is having these particular thoughts, but part of me wonders whether I shouldn't just amicably cut my losses while I'm still young enough/cute enough to enter into a different relationship. I love my H, but I wonder what kind of a life we have together. And truly, I have these intense panic-laden moments where I think, "Is this all there is for the rest of my life?" and I just want to curl up in a corner and give up now.

See? I'm a nut job. I need a good guide to get through this MLC, because I may totally lose my mind in the process.

SD

[faithisbelieving]

SD...in reality.....this place looks like it's a snap to save your M when...in actuality..it isn't. It takes tremendous work and committment on BOTH parts to do so. Ya know what....sometimes....it doesn't work. IMO...after all this time here...the really TOUGH thing to learn and do...is to know the difference: what is worth fighting for? when do you realize the cause is lost? when should you keep going? are you in this for religious beliefs and standing 'forever'? Is the M happy and fulfilling or is it codependent? Are you holding on out of fear?

Once trust is broken..it's like your favorite coffee mug with the handle broken off. You glue it, but worry if the hot cup will plummet into your lap. No matter how hard you work and try...the doubt....never goes away.

I worked so hard here.....like you..and others....to save my M. I did the reading. I held back the anger and avoided the fights. Walked the Green Mile. I've gone to 'standers' dinners with 10 men sitting around a table...some still standing while their wives were either remarried or in flagrante delicto with another man as we dined. What is right: staying for the sake of staying when all has failed...or realizing that two people are just not able to support a healthy M anymore?

SD...this is not a 'you should D' post. Rob would shoot this to pieces...or will....when/if he sees it.

The answer still comes down to you SD. It still comes down to a long walk at the beach....a lot of introspection....and, since you still have the ability to do so, a lot of ? communication with H?

Do you have kids? Doesn't say so in your sig. Do you need an ear?

FIB