Quote: I like the idea that it's truly beyond my control and I can choose to accept his choices or not...but that I can't control the choices he makes.
It's somehow liberating.
Liberating.... Yeah, I agree that it is. I hadn't identified that feeling yet, but that's what it is. But, let me caution you about something I'm beginning to notice, tho. I'm noticing that as I am "liberated" from her drama, "liberated" from my own self-torment about what she does, I am so much more sensitive to events that occur that are against my "preferences". They sort of hurt more intensely when they occur. But, to the positive, the pain goes away quite quickly when I remind myself that it is my choice to accept her right to make her own. It is my choice to continue with this R and that is what I do choose. If I make the choice to continue, I must accept the "bad" with the "good".
When you can do that, you further remove yourself from the drama, particularly THEIR drama. When you remove yourself from their drama, and no longer contribute to it, no longer becoming, for them, a source of their drama, they begin to see more clearly how much they have messed up their own lives, how much they have contributed to their misery and the decline of the marriage. And rather than "react" against your pressure, they must "choose" which path they wish to follow.
Just my thoughts about it for now. But, what do I know, I'm still learning...
I find that talking a step back from all the drama, and simply being me, helps her to feel good and comfortable. Whenever I backslide and in turn INTRODUCE drama into the relationship...she cringes and runs for her life...as far away from me as possible. If it doesn`t work, DONT do it. Right? Well, detaching from her drama has not really been a choice but a necessity, if I am to continue working on this marriage (alone I might add ).
I'm floating... Maybe that should be "walking on air". I'm in a cloud.
C session today. I've been really in a mood for many days now, due to the thing I mentioned earlier where I "caught" her in contact with OM. It's been bearing heavily upon me. In our situation, where the progress in re-developing both emotional and physical intimacy has been glacialy slow, I have found myself searching for reasons why, so I might change things I do to help speed things up. Searching for "things to do that are different" as it were... So, when I recently found 2 instances of she having "private" OM contact, I began to "assume" that was the cause of the slow progress. The contact I'm talking about was very innocuous, I noticed his name on her cell phone caller id, and a print-out of an email converstion between them. Still, it was contact, and an indication communication of private thoughts. Of a potentially continuing EA. So, my paranoia wondered.... "is there more going on?"
So, I got a chance to bring it up in C. I let loose more than I have ever before about my need for reassurance, for my doubts about her contact with him, and how hard it was for me to "bite my tongue" regarding contact with him, when I saw such slow progress in OR. I said I sometimes feel that while we are surely rebuilding OR, I feel that it's a house of cards that one breath from him could bring it crashing down.
W assured me, in presence of C, that the affair is over. Both PA and EA, and that he is "just a friend". That the two situations I mentioned were rare occurances, and that most contact was strictly in social group settings, and that other than occasional phone calls and emails, there was no private communication. She assured me that he was not an "advisor or confidant", as I mentioned I feared he might be. She did her best to assure me that she's back, and she's working on us, and on her issues with intimacy with us. She even went so far as to say that despite the lack of physical intimacy, she also wants it, but has issues and barriers. (didn't get into that, but it's at least out there....) She said she is working and wants to work on those issues.
So, C got us to both agree to talk more, to listen to each other, and to let each other know, lovingly and kindly, if the subject matter was getting to much. I said at one point that maybe I had just read too much, that I felt that I didn't want to impose too much of my wants on her for fear of triggering a "pursuit" dynamic, whereby she might retreat. C understood this, and then suggested maybe I should have a private session to talk about that. I think that might be a good thing. Anyway, C said to us that it appeared that I was so concerned about keeping things safe for W that I might be cutting off opertunities to express myself more openly, and W agreed. So, I now have "permission" to more openly express those needs, and to ask more questions, and to ask for re-assurance.
Thanks for stopping by my thread, I tried to reply but I am over 100 posts and it is locked. I have copied my reply below and will start a new thread.
Z Thanks for your thoughtful repsonse. I have read and re-read it and I know it will take time for me to sort out what I do from this point but I am so confused.
Quoting Zebra: Just be sure that whatever you do next, you do not disrespect her. She is telling you these are her needs. Respect those needs. Of course, that doesn't mean to disrespect your own, but it means don't argue. It means tell her what you need, and at least, I suspect you need time to consider this all........Just don't disrespect her needs, her pain. But don't disrespect you own either. You have time, you may take it. z
Are her needs that she must be divorced? Or to date? Or to have me out of her life? Or is it that she needs more time to sort things out? She made it sound pretty clear that she does not love me and does not plan to love me. She stated we may be friends down the road but not in love "you had your once chance with this relationship and it did not work." I respect her pain, I can see it and feel it for her. I have so much compassion for her I wish I could lift her up and sweep her off her feet again to make her life more full than she can imagine. I must admit I don't know why I was never given a chance. The victim part of me says get pissed, get even and go back to MD to put your family together you have given and given and she is too cold and incapable of seeing or loving that in you. My heart says you love her give her time and be there for her she will see you for what you are and the enduring love you have. Sorry if I ramble or am incoherent, I have so many emotions raging through me now, I need to clear my head and do some deep soul searching. Thanks for you support, Kevin
Just wanted to come by and lend my encouragement. I am pulling for you like a MF!
Also, I was feeling a bit down tonight, and your post helped me see things a bit clearer. There are times when I just want to get so far away from my ex it isn't even funny. Of course, the kids keep me close. Many, a painful night is spent by me, but then I read you and there is hope, no matter what life has in store.
I am so happy for you!!! It sounds like you just the turned the page to a brand new chapter on rebuilding your M. You now don't have to walk on eggshells as often anymore and that must relieve a little pressure off yourself and your W. You can relax a little and breathe easier. It sounds very promising. Keep up the good work...and keep DBing.
Zebra,
I am soooo happy for you!
The desire of her heart is to share that special intimacy
with you that the marriage bond is all about!
Bonding of flesh, spirit, soul...since the prize you seek is the same
- it is no surprise that you are on the same path.
Enjoy the journey.
It is good that she knows your worries and that she wants to remove that doubt.
She is loving you again. Love is a decision that we act on.
LSL
Quote: She did her best to assure me that she's back, and she's working on us, and on her issues with intimacy with us. She even went so far as to say that despite the lack of physical intimacy, she also wants it, but has issues and barriers. (didn't get into that, but it's at least out there....) She said she is working and wants to work on those issues. ... So, I now have "permission" to more openly express those needs, and to ask more questions, and to ask for re-assurance.
In a way which could cover a lot of the ground above with minimun pressure to her might be to ask her if there is a physical sign of affection (ie., a hug, a peck on the cheek, a squeeze of your hand, ...) she would be comfortable in giving you from time to time to continue to assure you that she is still working on "us".
This might help her overcome that first hurdle towards intimacy between you and is a very effective way to give you the assurances you are looking for.
I'm very happy and excited for you Z. Reassurance can be such a great thing when in our minds we don't know what's real and then to have them openly and willingly be able to share that which we want/need to hear is a great thing. Sounds like things are looking up for you ad your R. I miss your posting to my thread. Don't be a stranger please!~ Rachael
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