Well, detachment is the letting go you've heard about. It's not presuming all the drama is about you, or all your stuff is about him. It being good to you, developing your own Self. It's reaching a place where you are ok with everything around you, because you realize you can't control it, you can only accept what is.
Funny you ask, tho. Right now, peanut is burning up the newcomers board with a new discussion about detachment. This thread started Friday, has well more than 100 posts already and well more than 1000 views. It's the best thing I've seen on this board in a long time, in terms of helping people to be the best they can be, of letting go of the drama their WS has brought into their lives.
Check this out. Almost every single post is worth reading.
Detaching is to be happy, truely happy (Although we all experience ups and downs) even during the periods of crisis. It took me a long time to get it, to achieve it. It means not panicking when things go south a tad! It means being well with yourself and finally not needing (or not having the perception of needing) your spouse to make you happy! This, in my experience, is very attractive to the WA's. They do not want US to need THEM. And they dont want to need us. So when they truely feel that you are being yourself...in a good way, the best "you" possible, the person they fell in love with, they start to relax and get comfy again and they start enjoying your company because you are being that person you were all those years ago!
Danger: it is not a constant thing...there are lapses and pit falls both for us AND our spouses.
But once my wife saw me carrying about like I did all those years ago, and that she could tell it wasn't an act...it was real...she started thinking about what was going on. She remains suspicious. Very normal. But all of a sudden, she is open, to me, to spending time with me, to even accepting that she has NO clue if it is really over or not. A huge difference from when it WAS OVER and she had no doubts...once those seeds of doubts have been plnated and our spouses watch us being good, loving, caring but without the dependence or attachement (therefor detachement ), their perception changes and perception is everything!
Guess it's time for a little rant. I haven't done one for a while, but I have to vent somewhere, and there is no other place.
There could be a big story here, but I'll try to keep it short. I'd like some input, please. I joined a tennis league at W's tennis club. I'm in the junior of junior division, while W has been and is always in contention to be club champion. BIG 180 for me (long time coming) to do this. I'm not really social. Anyway, I played my first two league matches today, won both 12-1, 12-1. Made me feel good. I blew the second one away in 35 minutes (1.5 hours allowed). W was coming off another court having won a match she was playing. She came up to me and asked if we couldnt' play some more with my opponent, maybe doubles. She said it was a shame to have my opponent have to leave so soon and not get to play some more. "We get can get OM to play, he's just coming off this other court." Of course, I at least got a face on, and W thought I just didn't want to play. She didnt' seem to even get that it was the OM thing. So I agreed and we played...
So, according to the "RULES", she's supposed to have no contact. And we all know she does. But why does she seem to feel she had to drag me into this contact, why do I have to socialize with this jackass? A party with lots of people around is one thing, but a "friendly" game among 4 people??? ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!
She doesn't seem to see that it's insulting and painful to have to be nice and cordial to this guy. She doesn't seem to understand that in all my life, I've never met anyone whom I consider to be more an enemy.... more a threat to my home, family, security, and general well being than this jerk is/was. And, of course, I can't really express that to her. It's so aggreivating.
I suppose this is part of the price I pay by detaching from some of the drama and not 'insisting' she cut off all contact. I don't want to deal with that resentment, that "withdrawal" so I don't... and I allow it to run it's course. I plan at some point to express that although I see contact as "none of my business" (as mentioned in earlier posts), I do feel that I'm still entitled to an opinion and preferrence in the matter. It appears that my expression of that preference will have to come sooner than later.
I guess the only good thing was that when he was playing opposite, I got to wind up with a couple of really hard played backhands aimed right at his head. Fortuantely for everyone my aim is lousy, but I got to do it any way. Makes me feel better to know that if I knock him out with a tennis ball hit down hit throat it will be viewed as agressive play, not as jealous retribution. That, at least makes me smile
I know this is so far out of the box that I'm probably in uncharted territory again, but anyone got any thoughts or suggestions??? Really, other than infrequent things like this, things are going along quite well, and we are getting along. Sometimes I let this kind of thing get to me, and mostly no one else knows. It's nice to come here and vent, tho...
Oh, well I should probably follow this up with a positive note...
One day last week, W and 8 year old D were talking... D asked about step-parents (I think in some context of W's step-father). W promised D she would never have to have a step father... or at least not unless I died.
Then W looked over at me and grinned... Good news is she sounds like she's not going to divorce me. Bad news is.... Where did that big bottle of rat poison go????
Just kidding about the rat poison.... Hey, maybe OM has it!!!
Several years ago when my wife and I were having our first round of divorce talks she went to her boss to share that she going to divorce me. He comforted her and then shared with her that he had been in love with her for 10 years and had never said anything. Well she melted and fell in love with him.
Anyway... long story.... The reason I am sharing it is that she continued to work there for a year and they worked closely and went out to lunch often. This was a painful time for me. My choice was to try not to be the bad guy in the situation. I actually made it a point to go to her office and make friends with everyone there including her boss. I brought cookies, fixed the computers.
I guess I was trying to insert myself in to the emotional dynamics of the office. That way I was not just a name I was a living breathing person and he and others in the office could get to know me and perhaps see the good parts of me that my wife may not have shared.
Time passed and the OM's wife found out about the situation and became very insecure and jealous and made lots of demands of no contact etc.... That worked out well because I felt better about the no contact and I received bonus points for trusting her and not being insecure and controlling like the wife of the OM was...
So perhaps extending trust and friendship to your wife on this issue and inserting yourself in the social fabric of the tennis club is a plausible course of action.
Plus you may get other opportunities to smash a serve down his throat....
I guess I was trying to insert myself in to the emotional dynamics of the office. That way I was not just a name I was a living breathing person and he and others in the office could get to know me and perhaps see the good parts of me that my wife may not have shared.
Eric.....
This has been my thought exactly since the very beginning. I know W had made me out to be a very bad character to many people at her club. I know many had just agreed that if I was that bad, she was justified in everything. After I started actively participating in club events, and got to know many of her new friends, I know she was then councelled to be very careful how she proceeded down the divorce road. They pointed out that I wasn't that bad, how hard I was trying to change, and how much she would regret her actions if she didn't make every effort to work this out. Your experience here is the only other I've read about that was similar in this regard. Where it seems everyone wants to jump on the "cut all contact" bandwagon, in some cases, it is just not practical at best, and at most just demanding and controlling at worst. I learned long ago that demanding just doesn't work, that it only drives her from me. I've learned that the only choice I have is to accept that there will be social contact, or to call this unacceptable and leave the marriage. That is all I can do.
Thanks for the support. Reinforcement is a wonderful thing, that's what makes this board so terrific. It helps us all feel that much less alone.
Yep... inserting yourself into the social fabric is certainly one way to go... and I do like the smashing the ball down the throat thing too.
Here's the other thing though... if you are TRULY uncomfortable and don't always want to go for the social thing... pehaps a little discussion about YOUR comfort level and boundaries might help? During counselling though... not on your own. You know... one of those... gee... a gazillion people to play tennis with and the one I get stuck with is Fat Monkey?? rolling eyes icon pls....
I am working on same with my H's job... although much harder to do in HIS work environment. I call in there more often... sometimes the direct line and other times to the switchboard. Just to get my voice in there. I talk often to his assistant when he isn't available... and make friends. BUT .. I have yet to meet his FC... or even talk to her. EVENTUALLY!!!!!! It WILL happen... when we both least expect it too I fgure!
So there's another side for you ZedMan... but you do a great rant! T
Quoting Zebra: Where it seems everyone wants to jump on the "cut all contact" bandwagon, in some cases, it is just not practical at best, and at most just demanding and controlling at worst.
I agree with you! In part! In my situation, an initial "cutting all contact" was necessary, but now, I dont even try to limit my contacts, I call as often as I please (like I used to) and she seems responsive enough...or at least she has not sked me to stop!
Had a good chat with her boss today at the funeral, and noticed my wife turning her head around 180o to see why we were both laughing so hard! So I am also inserting myself into her world: familly, friends, work! But this is not always possible...especialy at first!
That's any easy way out for me! 
