Quoting Zebra: The point is that, Yes, I agree, contact with OM being eliminated would be good.
What this requires on my part is almost unbearable patience and detachment from the drama. I am getting better at it, and I'm feeling confident.
z
I tend to agree with you here Zebra. As she feels closer an closer to you, as your relationship mends and changes, I believe she will eventually cut most, if not all contact with OM. The need for such contact will disapear.
Plus, you were speaking of trust, and this is where you must shine . If she sees and feels that you trust her in regards to OM, then she will feel even less enclined to have contact with this other person!
Patience IS key, and I sometimes misplace that key somewhere...probably in my trousers or something!
Well, you probably left it in the pocket of one of those shirts Treesa made you buy..... Just be darn sure it's not a fish shirt. That would make Tree "nut-bar"...
Please, if you ever actually see Tree, give her a big (((((((((hug)))))))))) from me!!!
Hey Andy, I hope your weekend is better-you sound down and out. It's ok, it happens, LORD I know it happens,but not to such a nice guy as yourself! Rachael
Thoughtful thread. Interesting the ups and downs we go through, isn't it? You said:
-------------------------------------------------------- So, here I am. Moving ahead. "Dating" my wife. It's really fun. It's fresh. The distance helps build the respect thing back up. It's that detachment thingy again. Works every time. ---------------------------------------------------------
and I got a jolt of encouragement.
Dating my H was how I put myself in the picture. While gripped with lust the young and buxom my H became an ogler -- and I felt overlooked, worn out and cast off.
So a 180 for me was to shed my comfy fleece jammies and pull on a tight, short skirt with heels. Apply lipgloss in matching crimson. And ask him out to a comedy club.
He was surly and suspicious at first. But hey, he's totally lured by live comedy -- we hadn't gone to a club in years --and I guess I was better than nothing. So we had our "first" date.
He couldn't have cared less if I saw him openly surveying babes at the club. After all, we didn't live together. He'd moved out, declaring his intention to be free, so he owed me nothing.
But guess what? We found ourselves laughing together. It was a start. Of course, when I tried to sit next to him he moved away, so I had to back way off.
Wounded. Without Michele and you guys on the BB I would NEVER have had the patience or faith to ask him out again, to notice the laugh, overlook the discomfort and face the rejection.
But with DR encouragement, I kept asking him out. Oddly enough he kept agreeing, and we seem to be ending up boyfriend and girlfriend again, many months later. So far, that's where we stand. Now you could call him my live-in boyfriend -- don't tell Mom (ha ha)!
Early in this dating sequence my H showed no enthusiasm. Gosh, if we were in a college dorm or a movie, you'd say I was a hopelessly smitten fool and he was biding his time till "the real one" came along. You KNOW I felt foolish and hopeless cuz I wrote about it here, right? Questioned my sanity lots of times.
I'm a bit stunned, but it does appear that being creative and ACTING LIKE a clever, hair-tossing, ATTRACTED, and may I say perfumed-in-the-right-places, female not only boosted my morale but also intrigued my H, maybe even "lured" him back -- but how do I "keep him"? Is this artificial? Can I be a babe 24/7?
Under my bravado I was miserably insecure -- I had lost my true love and my security. But you know what? I'm finding that after months and months of pretending to be softer, acting like I'm patient, lightening up, and not reacting angrily UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, I am actually BECOMING softer, lighter, more even-tempered.
Not to say I became a hunk-magnet exactly, but my H would be a fool to miss that my "new look" is attracting "new looks" -- and you can see he thinks of me as quite a good catch, again. Like he did in our early days. Wowie!
We're getting our "early day feelings" back.
I plan on not sabotaging this. I don't exactly know HOW yet. But I'll keep listening and watching you guys for techniques, and sharing mine with you, and we'll be building warm quilts for ourselves, piece at a time.
(To cover our slinkiness?)
Guess I'm kind of riffing -- but the idea of dating is what got me started, and I wanted to share my excitement that it seems to be what is bringing us together, too. I'm jazzed. Out of outfits, but hopeful.
I'm impressed with how many examples of trying something different you tried, and how well you noticed the responses... I especially liked how you noticed how he become "surly and suspicious". That's a great expample of them testing whether this change is for real, or just a ploy. It shows to me that you've hit upon something they really would like to see different, but they don't trust that they aren't being conned, so you have to press ahead and show them it's a for-real change.
How do you keep it up? Well, you already answered that. You discovered that after pretending to be..... you discovered you had become..... So, the thing is do a little bit less pretending, and a little bit more becoming. I mean that. Just a little. Then a little more. We have to learn to USE baby steps ourselves, for ourselves, as much or more than we have to recognize them in our spouse.
After all, we are not doing all this improvement for them, but for us. Heck, they have already proven to be unreliable, ready to run at the drop of a hat. Why waste all this improvement on just them, Right???
SO Z, does backing off help bring your wife closer to you? I'm not sure what to do. Adrian has been distancing some and withdrawing. Supposedly he is inbetween the withdrawal and Ecceptance stage of MLC. It hurts to touchand not be touched back in love. I'm not talking about sex-we are ok with that-its the other intimacy that he lacks. I want it back-I miss it so. The little things like him rubbing my back, or putting his arm around me. I'm afraid to say anything to him about it for fear he will think that what he IS doing (holding my hand, telling me he loves me)is not ggod enough and will quit out of frustration so I have kept quiet. Any ideas on how to get this man more intimant OUT of the bedroom? Rachael
I've noticed you've been talking about this on a couple of threads, and I wanted to say something but didn't. Now you're here...
Yeah, she distances, and backing off does help. I'm beginning to call it "detaching from her drama". But that doesn't mean that I "withdraw", I just buck up and realize that this distancing is probably not about me, so I do all I can to not take it personally... It usually seems to be about her coming to terms with something. I've noticed that when this happens, often something or someone will become a "target" of her latest anxiety, and I'm glad that by detaching I've avoided becoming the target. Then, since I'm not the target, I'm a likely candidate to be the closest friend, the one who she can work it through with. That's a good place to be .
The intimacy issue is a big one for me. And though the sex thing is big, I don't mean physical intimacy. Actually, I believe there's a generally huge misunderstanding of the word intimacy. To me, intimacy is about closeness, sharing, respect and trust. That is still greatly lacking in my situation, and is the thing I most sorely miss, and most earnestly want back. It's coming, slowly, but it's coming. In my situation, there is also NO sex, and W is one of those people who misunderstand the word intimacy... So, If I mention intimacy, she hears SEX. But I mean emotional intimacy, so we have a communication issue. In our last C session, I was able to clearly lay out what I meant with the help and support of the C. And W did get it. So, I guess my point is that in trying to build intimacy, it's necessary to develop a common lexicon so everyone knows what they're talking about. You might say you want to work on intimacy, and he's wondering what's wrong with the sex. Just getting it clear is a big step toward better communication, which is a necessary step toward better emotional intimacy. At least I'm seeing this....
ok, now I'm confused. Please explain the difference between backing off and whatever it is you said you do(sorry , I forgot) Oh yeah-detaching! I truly need an explantion here between the difference=SPECIFICS PLEASE! You were RIGHT on about the lack of intimacy not having to do with sex and what you said hit home so hard Z. Like right now...,my H came home from work-I ran to greet him-threw my arms areound him and told him I was glad he was home-I had really missed him. He was cordial-no mushy stuff for this guy right now. Dinner was ready. I had to wait until he finished in the BATHROOM before we could eat. I guess when ya gotta go ya gotta go, but then I waited until AFTER dinner to tell him the next door neighbor's barn lights had gone out and he wanted ADRIAN to come over and fix them. I am so SICK of EVERYBODY wanting ADrian to come and FIX something for them. He really is a McGiver-he can fix anything.HE clears a few things off the table and whoosh-off he goes to the neighbores. Then he tells me they are going to the neithgbors office for something. I AM SOOOOO SICK of him putting everybody else FIRST. I am not a selfish person,but this man cannot say NO to anybody at any time. I'm always last. I had told him I had missed him for him to come home and go off with the neighbor. Mr. Consideration don't you think? I'm just really feeling sorry for myself because this is my life with him and its not gonna change. I can take it some of the time but not ALL the time. WHEN does he consider ME and MY feelings???If I say anything I look selfish. I just have to buck up and be Miss understanding of the century. Ok. now you know how I feel tonight. Please explain to me the difference and how you go about it. I ned to do something different. Things are not getting worse, but they are not exactly getting any better either. SOS, HELP! Rachael
. If she sees and feels that you trust her in regards to OM, then she will feel even less enclined to have contact with this other person!
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