Well, after 14 months of S, my W has asked that we go to mediation. We were M for 13 years when she became a WAW. I have DB'd my best ever since but she has never wavered. "Hearts seemed to soften," but not enough to stop the D. We have wonderful kids who have seem to have really survived the ordeal unscathed. We "nest" and although it is difficult for W and me, it seems to work for the kids. A more complete version of my sitch is in "S now what?" under the heading "Ready for the long road." I should say though that it is probably 8 months old.
I am still a wreck. I GAL plenty. I act as if mostly. The hardest thing for me to accept is the rule that I should never let W see me down. I don't think I always pull that off. Perhaps that is why I am still here.
Anyway, I need some help from you D vets in a big way. I lurk amongst you every time a thread I'm following flows into your waters and now that I am here myself, I wanted to formally introduce myself. Hi. I drink beer. Usually imported. I don't really care from where.
Now that my W has convinced me to go to mediation, she is really pushing to get it started. She got a L. I got a L. I have had two meetings with my L and have discovered that I need more preparation before getting started. W's post bomb anger is returning. W says that we have already decided everything so why won't I make an appointment right away? I have told her that I have discovered that it is more complicated than I thought and I need more time to prepare. W is trying to making me feel guilty about following L's advice. (I can see just by writing this that I have yet to get my nutz back from my W. I knew I needed your help.)
W wants to keep everything the same. Keep nesting, own the house in partnership, not liquidate anything but create partnership agreements with the assets. Nothing will change. At first, I thought "hooray, that will buy me more time to DB," but now I'm thinking that I might permanently be moving into the doormat position.
Well, that seems like a good start. I would really appreciate any comments as I am about to mediate toward the big D. Thanks in advance. Oh, and this round is on me. L.
Me 41 W 39 d7, s4 M 13 Bomb ILYBNILWY November 28th, 2007
hey there, welcome... I'm not much of a drinker, so I'll ask for a fuzzy navel
Nesting always did baffle me, so you live there part time... and pay for that place and your own place when you don't have the kids? I wouldnt think nesting was designed for long term, I mean, what if one of you remarries, she/you will have to go take the new spouse to the shared home? What are YOU comfortable with?
I went the mediation way as well after stalling a bit finding the right mediator (I called at least 6 to make sure I got an experienced one who's final paperwork would hold in court).
At the beginning stbx was also going to be a "co owner", he wouldn't make me sell home until kids reached 18 then we'd sell and split profits, however he was adamant he wouldnt' pay for any repairs at all. My L thought that was highly unfair, that after years of me paying the upkeep/repairs he comes in and rakes the benefits? What if there was a repair you'd think the house needed and she didnt think it necesary...who'd pay for it? Co-owning sounds like nothing but trouble, if indeed the D would go through it'd be so hard to move on and heal if you both had to constantly be in contact about house problems. Bad enough one is teethered to the stbx because of the kids, I couldn't imagen dealing with my stbx about house issues.
Do not do let her rush you, you have all the right to take your time and think things through. Sometimes you have to give up some things in order to gain others, so choose your battles. Do not leave anything out! specially about visitation, write down exact hours and who'll get what holidays (or if you'll be taking turns), all school holidays and stuff, trust me, it will come back to bite you you-know-where if you just "hope" she'll be reasonable.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hey Lucas, good to meet you. I am with you on the beer, hence I will take a Guinness Please.........
Nesting, jeesh.. .I am pretty sure this idea was formulated by some dude who just wanted things simple in his divorce and probably was loaded and had tons to lose.
I completely get it during separation, but once it roles into divorce I am not sure that it works. Now if you both wanted a divorce I could maybe see the possibility, but when one party is not for divorce and is an unwilling participant it simply opens the doors for years of bad feelings. The biggest problem is once you explain the plan to the kids then you have to deal with the massive guilt that comes along if down the road it isn't working for you.
So my advice, you need to do some very serious soul searching and figure out what you can truly live with. This is your life and you have to be the one to be accountable for the end result here.
Also, do not let her bitch at you about taking your time now with your L. You have every right to protect yourself. No guilt in that.
Thanks, cat03 and sofaraway. I think you both nailed it. I think if D is what she wants then we should really stop owning everything together and stop sleeping on the same pillows. This has been a very difficult decision for me. It's almost as if it is the first decision that I really get to make. I have been accommodating W for over a year thinking that she would eventually realize that the best place for her is right here, but with her pressing the D I'm almost ready to stand up for myself. Look out.
She is gonna try to make me feel guilty by saying that I am disrupting the kids life by not continuing to nest. That I am the one who is going to put their well being at risk. At that moment it is going to be very difficult to not say something like, "Me!?!" But I'm pretty sure that that argument has been exhausted. She could stop the bleeding at any time. She knows that. I suppose I should be ready to validate her feelings. "I realize that you feel nesting is the best for the kids, but it is not best for me." Or something.
Both cat03 and sofaraway identified the nesting as being a money issue. I have tried desperately these 14 months to keep money out of it. There was enough to pretend that it had nothing to do with love or commitment or responsibility. I bought her a new car, a new computer, vacations with the kids. And everything she bought for herself this last year. That didn't help either. The truth is, nesting will have me paying for three households and eventually I will tire of this.
Here is the big issue that will come this week: The family home is beautiful. Newly remodeled. I am going to tell her that I am finished with nesting now that we are getting a D and she is going to want the house as much as I do. Can I buy her out? Will she be willing? Will this be the issue that we can not resolve?
When I wrote to you all last week I was convinced that I would nest into D. Now, with your help and the help of almost everyone I have turned to, I have reversed my decision. Thanks for your help. Stay tuned.
sofaraway, on your anniversary. How do they do it? Some wake up one day and apologize. How do we hold on until that day? What if it never comes. What if we die first? Arrgg. Please don't try to answer those questions. I think I know the answers. Move on. Live your new life.
Thanks again, L
Me 41 W 39 d7, s4 M 13 Bomb ILYBNILWY November 28th, 2007
I just found this and feel that it might apply to me in my future:
"...Okay, maybe I am too tough here, I don't know, but it sounds like excuses to talk and see each other. If you are going to get divorced......then you have to start acting like you are divorced. There will be alternatives to what you are using as "excuses" now. You just have to realize that she is not a part of your life. The kids will be the only connection, but don't use them as a reason to contact her unless it is an emergency.
If she ever "misses you" it will be b/c you are out of her life and she doesn't see you or hear from you all the time. She needs to miss you! Being D will be as good of an excuse as any I know! Don't feel sorry for her b/c of where she lives. She made these choices. She left you to choose this. You say you don't want the kids to have to stay there.......I wonder if that is just another excuse. Maybe not. I know I hated it when I was accused of making "excuses", but often times we don't see it in our own stitch. You can give the kids what they need as far as clothes, food, etc. You don't have to buy her a nice place to live in order for the kids to be able to stay with her in a nice place. Those are the consequences she has to endure. I know it hurts b/c of the kids........but she needs to "feel" this. She needs to realize that she has done this to the kids and you are not going to rescue her from it.
Drop the rope. She needs to be shocked!
S..."
I would really have to act as if, to ever pull this off.
Me 41 W 39 d7, s4 M 13 Bomb ILYBNILWY November 28th, 2007
Hi Lucas, welcome to the party thread. I'm a beer man also and not fussy !!
In a nutshell, you have DB'd but as you say, you feel you haven't hidden your down times from your W well. Therefore, for all your GALing and acting 'as if' I wonder if that is all irrelivent if she spots those down times ? kinda makes it a bit pointless ?
It sounds like you do ok financially, so whilst preparing for the mediation and the divorce, maybe it's time to find yourself a place and move out now ? This would also be a complete 180 to what you have been doing and as your W does not miss you ever as your there, this might work ??? (be interested in others thoughts on this). I'd prepare a bit of what you want to say, post here if you like, to make sure it comes out right if you decide to do this.
I haven't read your other thread, but just from what you say here, it seems your W is having her cake and eating it. I'm not truely convinced she is ready to WA, she is just going through a life crisis (no such thing as MLC, can happen any time IMO) and not sure what she wants in life. Thinking the grass is greener but all the time things are the same with you there, she wont get the opportunity to see the other side. Appreciate how much you do.
At the very least, IMO, you could do well to sit down, say the last 14 months have been really tough and you need a break to do some thinking. Take yourself off for a bit of time, go with a friend and have a good time.
Best of luck to you sir (and again, I really am not convinced she's done. I've not known many people that want to divorce that can bear there spouse being in the same house, let alone the same bed)
I love your optimism. It is true that she has not really had the opportunity to see the grass on the other side. I have tried to protect her whenever I could. Trying to be her friend or the H she claims I never was. She could probably use some lousy OMs. We have been nesting, which means we are never in the bed at the same time. I am considering your 180 suggestion, but I have struggled with the concept of leaving the house. It just seems like a bad precedent. My dad left 33 years ago, and I still hold a grudge. Tomorrow we discuss how to tell the children with a therapist. I was also going to tell W that I want the house. However, my L just told me to slow down and just say that I have been reconsidering nesting as the best choice for me post D. L suggests that we make a new plan during the mediation and not before. So as to let W be a part of it and not to make her instantly defensive. L suggests that I practice how I am going to say it.
"We discussed nesting and checking in with each other every six months or so. Nesting was a great solution for us when we were separated because I was full of hope that we could reconcile but I'm not sure it will be good for me once we are divorced. I need to look at my life and decide what will make me strong and happy so that I can be strong and happy for the kids." - I won't sleep well tonight.
On another note, I started reading Dr Phil's book. It took me 14 months to get to it. The first chapters really fired me up. It is quite hard to get inspired to fix the R when W is demanding D. I did also find out that it takes six months for D in CA. Better get to work.
Love and luck to you all, Lucas
Me 41 W 39 d7, s4 M 13 Bomb ILYBNILWY November 28th, 2007
"Crap! So sorry! I was sending to my sister. I did that to you once before."
then:
"She's moving and super stressed out."
Well? That takes the cake. I have no other clues about an OM, but come on. She is close to her sister but please. I chose not to respond. In 8 hours we are scheduled to be in a therapy session talking about how to tell the kids that she is divorcing me. I have been grappling with the thought of confronting her at that time about the text.
My reasons for: 1. Honesty between us is critical if we are ever to move forward even just as parents. 2. Perhaps exposing such a secret might make it less magical or powerful. 3. Maybe there is a wife out there who should know.
My reasons against. 1. An affair is a symptom. 2. Accusing W seems anti DB. I don't want to play the victim role. 3. I should run it by my L first.
I'll try to sleep on it. It would explain so much of her attitude toward all of this.
(for those of you keeping score, I wrote about the 'once before' last summer.)
Love and Luck to you all,
L
Me 41 W 39 d7, s4 M 13 Bomb ILYBNILWY November 28th, 2007
Definitely right to sleep on it, but never be surprised with what you find out. I'm in the would rather know corner and believe me, when I found out, once I'd digested the shock, it made my own moving forward so much easier.
I hope by me posting others will follow and you'll get different opinions as I am probably biased to one direction from what happened in my own sitch.
