It's been a coupla months since I posted. Needed time away from the boards + other stuff was going on. Now I'm in a slump and thought I'd seek advice even though I tried to move on away from here. Some of you know my sitch - others can probably guess.
D was final end of October. I pretty much cut off contact after that - if XW wasn't willing to do anything prior to D then I saw no reason to be friends afterwards. She had her OM and her work. There've been a few awkward moments but for the most part, no contact.
Right before Xmas I had a premonition she would show up. 5 minutes later she knocked - wanted to drop off a gift. I invited her in and she seemed surprised. I kept the chitchat shallow and eventually said I needed to return to my work. She frowned a bit, like she was about to tear up, then left. Afterwards, I read her card and she told me she wanted me to know that she thought of me and hoped we could be friends.
Went out with a friend a few days later and was told that XW had stopped by 2x to ask about giving that gift. Both times XW started crying. Friend asked XW what she wanted and the answer was "I don't know" so friend told XW that she'd made a choice and that was the road she now had to follow.
So that was all fine - confusing but fine. But then I snooped. Don't know why but I did. Found out that a few days after that, XW started pushing a R with a second co-worker (not the original A partner). Sent messages about how she thought of all the great times they'd had and would have together. Said how long she'd been thinking of being with him. Our D has only been final for 3 months.
I'm trying to move on. I've accepted my fate as a monk until I'm emotionally stable enough to handle another R, but I'm confused by XW's ability to move on. Is she just rebounding or is she the more stable one? I mean, why the tears when she talked with my friend about the gift? Why the present for me if she's in a new relationship?
The thing is, her new R was a friend of ours. I knew they'd spent time together over the past few years, but I never got the impression she thought he was R material. I mean, I know the answer already - rebound, ignoring own issues, making self feel better - but I still have a hard time getting it. That and I wish I could just get her out of my head.
Anyway, this is a thread about after it has ended but before you've moved on. All are welcome to add their thoughts. Title comes from a Patty Griffin Song:
Useless Desires Say goodbye to the old street That never cared much for you anyway The different-colored doorways You thought would let you in one day Goodbye to the old bus stop, frozen and waiting The weekend edition has this town way overrated
You walk across a baseball field The grass has turned to straw A flock of birds tries to fly away from where you are Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend I can't make you stay I can't spend another ten years Wishing you would anyway
How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire And even I'm getting tired of useless desires
Every day I take a bitter pill that gets me on my way For the little aches and pains The ones I have from day to day To help me think a little less about the things I miss To help me not to wonder how I ended up like this
I walk down to the railroad track and ride a rusty train With a million other faces I shoot through the city veins Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend You wanted to be free Somewhere beyond the bitter end is where I want to be
How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire And even I'm getting tired of useless desires
Say goodbye to the old building That never tried to know your name Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend You won't be seeing me again Goodbye to all the windowpanes shining in the sun Like diamonds on a winter day Goodbye, goodbye to everyone
How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire Burns the last of the day down And I'm the last one hangin' around Waiting on a train track, and the train never comes back And even I'm getting tired of useless desires
Hi lodo, funny I was thinking of you last night. How your sitch developed, admired your way of dealing with it, the way you stopped posting. I think I had missed you. And...here you are. Talking about gut feelings....
I dont know about your wife. I often thought that in cases where WAS move on very fast, there's got be a moment of clarity later on that LBS dont get to see because it is difficult to swallow their pride and come back and express remorse once the divorce is final. Maybe your wife had this moment of clarity, who knows?
Granted what you said about OM seems she cant be alone.Which of course is a not good enough reason to reconsider a R with her. I guess what I am saying is, dont let her rock your boat, let it pass... dont pay much attention to what she does. At least not yet. If she would insist and if she would really try to rebuild some of the bridges with you, if there is anything in your heart for her still, then..., we'll see... Love K
Its early everywhere! Lodo, that song is great. And you seem to be in the same place where I am. So, we can commiserate together, my friend. I'll be one of those who never gets the second-thoughts (then again, he moved in with the former affair partner).
All we can do is keep moving forward and live our best life - its up to us.
Lodo..I'm glad and sorry that your back. Glad in the sense I've missed you. Sorry in the sense that you felt you had to come back.
All move on at their own pace..It sounds as if the ex is quite conflicted and probably extremely lonely for her to be searching out another OM..OP or whatever we want to call it..and your right..it's probably a rebound.
L I sense that our WAS are very conflicted that being part of the whole struggle they want to go and want to be friends they still have feeling for us have feeling for someone else b/c they allowed that A or rebound I feel they know at times the mess and internal mess they have created but only few can will find their way back ususally with help from a therapist I am to the point I want to stop reading into H He has clearly chosen at this time to pursue his A and I can not wait any longer peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Kalni, I missed you too No, I would never reconsider with her. I feel like I need to guard my heart too much from her. So it isn't that she's rocking my boat - well, I guess she is in that I still react to what she does or doesn't do - but that I'm rocking my own boat. I've become numb and am ready to move out of this space.
But I know her better than anyone and when I see her with someone else I wonder why I'm not that far along, if there's something wrong with me. I react to her card and then second-guess that reaction - maybe she was just being nice. Maybe the tears were just her being sad for what was lost and nothing more, while I interpret it as vindication that we should have worked on M. It's that old struggle with searching for the meaning behind our M and wondering if there was something there to appreciate even though it's past, or if it was hollow from the start. Honestly, at this point it seems like a long long time ago and I have a hard time reconciling the person I married with the woman I see today.
But in a sense that's just me holding onto the past and trying to drag it along. Still trying to figure out how to let it go completely. I'm basically frustrated with myself. Am ready to be happy again but am still in the lull before the momentum picks up. I've been adopting a very positive attitude and doing lots of GALing, but it all still feels a bit empty and mornings can sometimes be murder for PMA.
Okay, I'm rambling. The sun is up, weather is warm - time to get out and hit the hills.
Mike, good hearing from you. Can't believe you didn't hit me up for beers - what was it, landshark lager? Donna, I haven't read through your sitch but will take a look - and yes, that song is great! Patty Griffin is great. Listen to it on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKT5kytIpxU
peacetoday - i agree with you about our WAS being conflicted and knowing they created a mess. It saddens me that resolving that conflict was never an option.
She & her actions should not be the yardstick by which you measure you & your actions.
You'll do what you do when you are ready, you are self-aware enough to know that it is not right for you now. You understand that getting into a relationship with anyone right now would not be healthy for you. I support you in that decision.
You think that is the best decision for you... good for you. You make good decisions. You can change that decision as your feelings change as you grow, as you heal.... that is the beauty of this.. you can change your mind, your actions, your choices.
And we will support you in doing what is best for you.
Have you read the book 'rebuilding: When your relationship ends"? I highly recommend it. It's pragmatic... no nonsense about the different buidling blocks that are necessary to have in place (& exercises on how to get those there) as you transition from 'together-hood' to 'single-hood' with as much peace and integrity as possible.
hugs & peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Saw XW at farmer's market today. Was upbeat & casual, very surface. Didn't stick around to chat. I recognize that treating her as a neighbor helps despite the fact I long to pull her aside and have a long conversation. Those conversations were like an addiction for me, better than sex even. But, that was the past. She's someone I know, but no longer well. And it's been 3 months since D was final. Now I understand why they recommend going for 3-6 months with minimal contact.
One thing seeing her drove home is that my thoughts of being with her are really only that, thoughts. The reality of us creating energy when we're together no longer exists. I came home once again energized to be my own person independent of any type of relationship.
I love the term "very surface", that is exactly how I am around xH. Its amazing how much I guard my heart from him. So afraid of the healing tear being ripped again...
I agree with the diagnosis for your xW, she is grasping, lonely, reaching out. When xH ended it with original OW, he moved on and dated. Searching, grasping, and lost. And yes, ignoring the issues and the reasons along the way.
Its throwing you because its a change in her behavior, a shift. But since you have no desire to reconcile, then don't let it shift your behavior/choices. If you are comfortable, just continue to be distant friends with her. Deep down you don't want her miserable and making bad choices, but since you can't stop those, just stand by and live your life.