All I know of with my wife's EA/PA is a EA but I strongly suspect a PA. It could have just been a ONS but it really doesn't matter one way or the other. But what I wonder is if the guilt of the action is what turns them into a WAS and in some cases WAM's (mom's) and WAD's (dad's). My wife lived for her children and they were constantly with her. Then she came home from a work related trip and no longer wanted to be a wife or a mom. On my long daily walks I try to figure these things out sometimes and although it has been nearly a year, It is actually getting clearer to me now that that is probably what made her flip out.
She could not handle facing me or her kids due to her guilt. She could not face her family or even friends. She just moved out and only associates a bit with work people (for all I know) and see's her kids maybe once a week, but that is getting stronger.
In the year I have grown and become a better person and a full time dad who loves my kids and they are the center of my life, but now she is starting to come peeking around again and trying to be friends. Funny how they do that only after we have gained the inner strength to stand on our own. Thank God she did not do it when I was weak. That would have been a disaster and only led to more pain for everyone.
I can't tell if you want a recon. If so, and if it's real for you to say so, you could tell her that you forgive her. I have forgiven my h, even though his affair is ongoing. I truly have forgiven him and hope that if his happiness lies elsewhere, that he finds it there.
I guess what I'm saying is that I think guilt can bar a recon. So if that's want you want, it might be a good place to start.
Could be guilt, maybe some MLC (you didn't mention your W's age but if she's in the 30s or 40s prob.), some dissatisfaction with your M? It sounds like you're doing a good job DBing. If it's MLC, I think it just takes a while for them to work through the process. If you post a bit more details/info, it's easier I think for people to post and offer their input and everything. Karen
Oh I was really just asking a generic question, maybe what you all might think as far as your S's. I don't know what I want. I just want to be a good dad right now. That is my focus.
My wife is 34 and her age was the reason she told me she freaked out. Said she was afraid of getting old....35. We really don't talk about that stuff, she cannot talk about her emotions and I can never shut up about mine. Who know's.
I think she is definitely in a MLC and is starting to come out of the tunnel and poke her head. She has been nicer to me in the past few weeks than she has in a very long time. But to me, that is just because all of her pursuits in her MLC have failed, romantically and professionally.
I still love her as the mother of my kids but feel no attratcion or romantic love towards her at all. We get along great, have great conversations...laugh just like we did when we were married..er.. together LOL. I don't know.
I have grown to like my single life and just focusing on raising my kids is a full time job and don't have much time for a pity party. I really don't know what the future holds other than I know God is in control. I have just been able to look back with more clarity as we reach our year point. Just a thought and a question I had really.
For me. Part of it was the guilt. Part of it was thinking he deserved someone who could be faithful. Part of it was not knowing what I wanted and just needing some space.
I still feel a lot of guilt. But coming here, and telling everything I've told, and being willing to tell anyone who wants to understand...is part of healing for me. He does deserve someone who can be faithful. HE DESERVES ME TO BE FAITHFUL. And now that I've had some serious space, and want my marriage to work, he needs some serious space. And I just have to be okay with that.
I have wondered, and you have brought up part of it with your question, so I will ask the other half of it. How do the betrayed spouses handle it? What I mean is, how do you go back to your friends and your family, (who are probably telling you that you are crazy and to leave the unfaithful one) and say "no. my marriage is worth more than that." How do you handle all the talk behind your back and even probably some to your face? I'm not sure my H will be able to be that strong?
How do you do it? How do others do it?
I ordered the book "Not Just Friends", but it's not here yet and some perspective would be nice.
Sorry you are in this stitch.
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
How do the betrayed spouses handle it? What I mean is, how do you go back to your friends and your family, (who are probably telling you that you are crazy and to leave the unfaithful one) and say "no. my marriage is worth more than that." How do you handle all the talk behind your back and even probably some to your face? How do you do it? How do others do it?
Mel
I am fortunate I guess to have friends and family that have enough respect for me that they do not even attempt to tell me how to deal with this situation. They are mostly just trying to be there and help me with my kids and all. I would not listen to what people think and to be honest, I don't tell a lot of folks all of the details that they don't really need to know. Partially out of shame/embarrassment on my part and some semblance of respect for my wife. I do not want to try and vilify her to friends and family. I have told no one of the EA/PA to be honest. It is not their business.
