I know exactly how you feel. I caught my wife seeing someone and she told me that I broke her trust by looking at her text messages on her cell phone after she had been acting very suspicious. Had she not been acting extremely suspicious all of a sudden, I never would have even thought to look at her cell phone. She was seeing someone and I broke the trust? Divorce and everything that can come with it suck. There is really no other way to describe it when you are the one that is trying to keep the marriage together and you keep running up against a brick wall that keeps firing spiked bricks back at you. Have faith in God that whatever his will is will ultimately be what is best for us even though we may not know what those reasons are at this time. Its what is helping me every time my wife does something more to hurt me as we get closer to her filing for divorce and not being around. Its hard I know, but do the best that you can. Try to put it out of your mind. Easier said than done. But thats where you have to rely on your faith and hand it over to God. Try focusing on your work, or on some kind of hobby. Hang out with friends who are understanding of your situation. Try not to dwell on it or it will eat you alive. I know because it does me when I dwell on it. I hear divorce support groups are very good. Although I haven't gone to one yet since my wife is waiting til February 1st to file, I have been told by others that they can really help. My wife lies to me to and I never know what to believe. If you have kids, try and put your focus and efforts into them. They will need you. I know mine do. As I go through this, I am finally learning how to appreciate my kids even more than I ever did before. You definitely need to spend time with people though. Being alone if you are anything like me will just further depress you. Even when you don't want to be around anyone else, do it anyways. I am having to force myself to do that so I don't go insane with depression.
I wish you the very best and I know that with time, this to will pass. Thats what a coworker of mine keeps telling me at work. I never want to hear it when he says it, but I know its true. Its just not something you want to hear when you are in the middle of it.
My wife is caught up in money to. I passed on a job to her that paid twice what either of us were making and it has gone to her head. Now she is looking at other guys that make more money and spending hers like crazy. Had I known at all she would use it to leave me, I would never have passed it onto her. I am amazed at how money can change some people. Some people just cannot resist letting it go to their head.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Hi Purr: Remember one thing. Right now your W feels so guilty over the fact that she has caused you pain that she is trying to deflect some of it back onto you, ergo she makes herself feel better.
It's not your fault and you have the right to know, so don't fall into that trap. She needs to take responsibility for her actions.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
hey Purr, btdt, I'm sorry for this pain, it's like a sucker punch to the gut, but this too shall pass, I promise.
I know it's hard, but her A doesnt' reflect badly on you nor your worth as a person, is about her unhappiness and her only thinking of herself and to cover her tracks (stbx also went to C with me while having a good time with then ow). They don't think ahead, they dont' think more than a week in advance, so whatever they need to do (going to C and lying to you) to keep their secret juicy A they'll do, not a thought about how hurt you'd be if you knew.
All the while she was lying she was not thinking of you (perhaps that hurts more) but that's the sad reality. As far as her turning the tables on you, pretty normal, she has to make you the bad guy to excuse her behavior, she has "perfect" reasons why it happened.
I also want to advise you to not compare yourself to the om, he is not everything you do not stand for, she didnt' choose him because he had something you didnt', he happened to be another lost person who took the easy way out by cheating on his W, someone who's morals are no where near yours. He doesn't compare to you at all.
My prayers your way)))))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Purr , my friend , I am so sorry this is how its turned out for you. The others have given great advice. You will now at least be able to fit some of this puzzel together and I think it will answer a lot of the questions you had. Try to ignore her anger , this seems to be a normal ( is there such a thing? ) response to being found out. The best advise is to pull back and look after yourself. There is little you can do other than this with OM involved.
Sorry this has happened. Now is the time to go dim on her. Let her spin by herself. Take care of you. She will try to argue with you about anything right now. Don't get sucked in.
thank you so much for the responses. This is my second day with very little sleep and I was hardly eating yesterday because I've felt so nauseaus and upset. I'm trying to work at that so I don't go way downhill.
All I could think about last night in tossing and turning was: what if my w. is telling me the truth? What right do I have to feel upset / hurt / angry if she sees someone a couple of months after leaving me? Then I started questioning everything and feeling like I must be a horrible person, she must be all right and I'm all wrong, etc.
Even if the source (his w) is incorrect or even fabricating some of the things she told me, and my w's version is 100% true, there is still a systematic omission of information, and how can you just step in to another relationship after 8 years with someone else?
Bottom line: I don't believe my w. on this. I think there is enough information that points strongly in the direction of some kind of situation, an EA at the very least. Again though, if even some of the pieces this man's w. and I put together are true (and they were not big stretches by any means), there was a PA before she left me.
I love how in my W.'s message she says "when we ended the R" (as though both of us mutually wanted/decided to)--I actually think it is truer to say that because "we" is her and OM). So he was there in the background the entire time at some level--even just as an "EA" / "friend". That must have been a primary support for her through the experience.
I'm back to this crazy thinking I seem to do where I feel frustrated that it's all good for w. and OM--they've been travelling all over the world, they're "public" now. Last night it was very hard not to have images of them having sex over and over. Especially because I know the OM, this really hurt and sickened me. I know the world is unfair sometimes, but this whole thing has felt so wrong, and has been so hurtful to those left behind.
I am so sorry this happened, Purr. OM must be considering older than your W if he's been married for 35 years. If she stays with him she's going to end up changing his diapers. Her bubble will burst at some point.
It's hard to believe, but you know, for me it would be harder to believe "your situation" if there WASN'T an affair. You yourself said it - it didn't make sense the way things went. Well this makes more sense, to me. That may sound harsh to you, but it feels right to me. There had to be something else. This is what it was.
No use confronting your wife or discussing it now. It IS sickerning, and you would never want to do that to someone you loved. YOU would never do that in your marriage. But she's not you. This latest revelation does not change YOU. You are still who you are, regardless of the extent of the deceit and dishonesty.
You ever wanna talk, come and find me on FB. I think the advice you got is right - You need to step back a bit from the whole thing. Don't spend too much time on DB. Find something to take your mind off things.
I was thinking of you. I hope you are ok.. eat little and often if you are having trouble with your appetite! As SirePrize said, at least it makes SOME sense. I also think the stuff she said in MC, which you alluded to, about your R and passion and stuff was a smokescreen.. that was her guilt. She knew you were a good man and didnt deserve this, she said so herself, sayong you were in the top 95% of men, right? She was clutching at straws to justify it.
I dont really believe that this 'started' after she left..its more probable there was some friendship there I guess. She met him at work, right? She walked out on you without being able to give any valid reasons? And this woman seems pretty certain her H of 35 years had an EA with your W. I believe the A didnt start till later though. As it did for my ex, but I believe that Helen 'caught his eye'. Its just a chance thing.. a chance meeting. If he hadnt gone to work there, it might not have happened, same as for your W.
When she said this, I feel that this is also her guilt talking, else why else wou;d she protest so much? "Then she sent me another email saying I'm obviously on a "witchhunt" with this ow and that if I want to get my facts straight, we could do so in a couple session. It was very aggressively worded. I think she sent this because the w. was phoning her husband like crazy this morning, confronting him repeatedly on things."
This OM is now being confronted with what he has done to a W of 35 years. He is going to have a lot of guilt to deal with also. It sounds like they are both facing the music right now and it cant be pleasant. Dont be so certain that everything is rosey in their R. I am sure you are imagining all sorts, but you dont know if it is working out for them, or how this man feels about his exW, or how your ex feels about the W coming back into the frame now.
There are alot of unknowns, so try not to torture yourself wondering. You are an amazing guy. Sensitive, kind, intelligent, caring.. you have potrayed the upmost dignity in your sitch. Please remember you are lovable and this is just a horrible thing to have happened. As it is for many of us.
