What a way to begin 2009. I felt I should start a new thread given the situation. W. and I were together 8 years. She suddenly left me just over a year ago. The reasons never quite added up, seemed like lots of MLC stuff. We had a "trial separation" (her term) for 6 months, during which time she maintained very regular contact via email but we hardly ever saw each other. Went to a few sessions of MC, which seemed to focus on her issues, but it went nowhere and she ended the relationship spring 2007. I was so devastated, so emotionally drained. A lot of really difficult and painful things happened last year. We still own a house together though she hasn't lived here for a year. Little contact over the last several months, by my choosing.
Very slowly, through all my own emotional ups and downs and intense grief through Christmas, I was slowly trying to look ahead. Then tonight (Jan 1) I got a call from a woman I didn't know. She introduced herself as the w. of the man my w. is having an affair with and living with. I just found this out a couple of hours ago. I am so devastated all over again. Apparently, they are now living together and he is introducing her to his children as "his g/f".
His w. said she was so completely shattered by this in the last year, but was shocked that I didn't know they were together. She has known for most of the last year that there was someone else, but just got confirmation today that it was my w. She called me because w's name comes up still listed with my phone #. So she was wanting to call and confront W, that's how we came to talk.
I want to throw up. I feel the same nausea that I felt when the first bomb was dropped on me. I thought an A. was possible, but to have it confirmed like this (and to know the OP) is so sickening to me. I feel so angry and shattered and sad. I am still in pieces a year after she left and there she is with him: older, more money, very successful, world traveller, etc. Even found out she was on a vacation with him while we were in couple C. She sent me emails while away on this trip. I was so stupid. He was there together with her. He was M. 35 years.
I am hurting so much. I 've gone through SUCH pain in the last year, this is just another terrible blow. Any help or feedback would be appreciated. I feel really distraught right now.
Hey Purr, I am sorry. I am sorry you feel so much pain. Just reading your post made my stomach upset, I can feel your disappointment and pain. I am sorry.
All I can say to you, is to try to focus on what matters, the end result is the same, your wife has chosen to end your marriage and moved on. Being lied to and disrespected by the ones we love is a terrible blow. Finding out your love had blinded you is also a terrible blow. But it is natural. Most of us here did the same. And maybe you found out at the right time to make a fresh start... Stay strong, K
Wow Purr.. wow, I am soooo sorry. I came to look for you as I havent posted over Christmas and I wasnt expecting that.. but, I nearly asked you in my last post funnily enough is there was someone else an OM...
Wow, that is so painful for you to find out that way, as I did, from someone else. It says alot, but I'm not sure what it says, that she never told you herself. I am so sorry you are hurting, just keep posting, phone friends, talk it out.. when I first found out about Helen, I was so shocked and hurt I talked to my BFF for a total of 8 hours on the phone on and off!! Bless her, but I ranted and raved and cried.
I am stunned at the level of deception your W has taken this to. And Purr.. that is NOT normal. That is NOT healthy. I remember when you were in MLC and she kept crying and also that holiday she went on (last March??) and I remember that she never gave a HINT of their being an OM. Its obvious now that her tears were very much guilt.
But how terrible.. she has stolen another womans husband and its taken them a year to go public? And he sounds ALOT older ? She has behaved VERY unfairly, very selfishly (as my ex has).. to you and to this mans wife. No wonder you feel sick and upset.
Do you have any plans to contact her? You may finally be able to have some kind of conversation with her (but dont bet on it) now that the 'cat is out of the bag' - she clearly couldnt bring herself to tell you. I wonder why not though ???? Thats bizarre frankly.
When I heard that revelation about my ex and Helen, I found myself thinking about it yesterday.. and you know what? Its like I felt something 'pop' really.. like I think I finally get it, and I finally let go. I feel like for the first time in 13 years, I have lost respect for him. I am sure you are struggling with lots of feelings..
YOU are a good person, you are honest and kind and have behaved with integrity throughout all of this, your W has not. She has a tonne of issues, I am sure... to act like that, to be so selfishly deceptive and cruel (yes, as she could have been honest and prevented you from torturing yourself for a year, she knew you were hanging on for her).. and she is 43 !!! She should know better at her age!
BUT.. lets not bash your W. 42-44 is the classic MLC period for woman (its the Uranus half return!) and that can make people act pretty crazily. THis is the last piece of the puzzle and confirms that your W has been through a big crisis and is no doubt still in it.
Will you talk to this mystery W some more? You should try to, it may help you to get more details. Plus, dont worry that this man is "well travelled, rich etc"...none of that counts for chitt on our death beds.. all that counts is who we loved, how we loved and who loved us... Thinking of you,
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Purr, I'm very sorry that you had to receive a call from the wife of the man having the affair w/your wife. You think that your spouse is being honest w/you and then this. Purr, your wife, the one you love, is still buried deep within her. Keeping this affair secret isn't normal. This really isn't normal behavior by any stretch of the imagination. She's testing the waters and is keeping you on the sidelines just in case this relationship doesn't work out.
Purr, I wouldn't contact your wife right now. I'd take some time for myself and do what I needed to do to get over this shock. In fact, I would sit back and allow the wife of the om to confront her. I think she needs to face the consequences of her actions and this would be a rude awakening for her to be confronted by the wife. Another thought, but I don't know how it would go over, but it's been done before, is that you and the wife confront them together. It has worked before. But, for now, do for you. Your heart, soul and emotional state are very wounded. Once you are over the initial shock, then think about what you want to do.
Purr, we all understand how you feel. I'm very sorry that this was the last piece of the puzzle that now confirms a crisis of some nature. Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes thinking of you Purr.. check back with us. This is no reflection on you. Your W has lost her mind to behave toward you in such an irrational manner and never let a peep of this get out. Its not normal, as Snodderly reiterated. Its a big shock for you right now.
Thank you everyone. I am such a mess today. Had another contact with this woman, more information came forward, she has been confronting her h. and after denying lots of things, eventually acknowledges some of them. My w. emails me saying something about how this only began a couple of months after the relationship ended and only this fall has it become "serious". She insists this is true and that the contact woman is "crazy", lying, etc.
Then she sent me another email saying I'm obviously on a "witchhunt" with this ow and that if I want to get my facts straight, we could do so in a couple session. It was very aggressively worded. I think she sent this because the w. was phoning her husband like crazy this morning, confronting him repeatedly on things.
So, I've received a phone call with credible information about this affair / relationship / whatever, but now I'm the bad guy??
Even if her version is true (and there are mountains of circumstantial evidence to point to a PA now--and evidence of lots of lying / omissions)--that still means that apparently 8-10 weeks after ending an 8 year relationship, she was already on with someone new.
I feel so replaceable / invisible.
I have extricated from the situation with this other woman (his W.), I know all I need to or want to know. She can go after him if she wants to, that's her business. Any more for me will just hurt further and I have enough of that for now. For the first time, I am looking at what my W. says and thinking there are so many lies here. And no doubt they are working out the "story" version to stick to. That she is still lying to me now even though the story is "out" is upsetting to me.
Purr, It does sound like your wife is trying to cover her tracks now that the om's wife is on to them. I hate to say it, but they all lie to cover their tracks and they will tell you that they didn't hook up until the relationship has soured and they've separated from you. Timelines are changed to suit their needs.
I'm very sorry she continues to lie. You are going to have to find a way to lower your expectations to zero and remember that when they are in crisis, they will do anything to protect themselves, right down to lies that make absolutely no sense. She's acting like a teenager and what do teens and kids do when they are caught w/their hand in the cookie jar? They point the finger at others and will not own up to their own mistakes.
Purr, I know it hurts, but do not allow it to fester in your mind. Let it go and just distance yourself from that situation for a while, if you can. You need to take care of yourself and keep the focus on you. Allow your wife to swing in the wind for a while. She needs to do that for a bit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for this. Just sent a msg back to w. and basically let her know that what I was hearing was not matching up with what she was saying but that at this point, I don't really want to hear anymore, nor discuss it further. I said the man's w. will do what she does to deal with her situation, that's not my issue and I'm not interested in being a part of that. I let her know I will continue to focus on getting the house sold and then I will be out of her life.
Ironically, I feel myself somewhat shaking in my boots--it's so crazy--they have been lying, adulterous, but my W. is angry at ME?? Even though I said in the email that I would keep her posted on the house but did not want to discuss this part further, I have a sense she is going to blast me with something.
Purr, Sit quietly and wait. Your wife is angry because she got caught and you found out. Her hand was in the cookie jar and someone caught her.
Don't even allow her to manipulate you or your thoughts. Just listen and sift through what she's telling you. They do tend to tell on themselves.
Go dim for a while and allow her to come to you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
