Sorry for being so long. Maybe I should just accept that "married with kids" means very little sex and less pleasure/happiness than I'd like, period ??
No you shouldn't just accept that "married with kids " stuff~!~ Keep posting. Dont worry about being long. Just post.
"Anyway...most guys probably have exotic fantasies, while I just long for a day when I come home from work and my wife greets me actually dressed in something other than sweats and a giant tee shirt, and actually has fixed her hair and makeup and actually seems as though she'd be interested in some intimacy once the baby goes to sleep. This is a "fantasy" that has not played itself out even one time in the 10 months since our child was born. When we do have sex it is usually while baby's napping on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon...as wife strips out of her unflattering clothes for a quickie. Then those unflattering clothes goe back on as the baby wakes up (usually before we're done). Gone is fore-play. Gone is cuddling afterwards. It's just not good enough anymore."
I have lived want you are living. From my personal experience, it doesn't get better. And it won't even start getting better unless you actively address this issue.
I have no advice beyond stop pursing her for sex. If you’re acting needy and petulant, well most women don't find that behavior an aphrodisiac. Find something outside your marriage and invest some time into it, a hobby say. Exercise. I can’t emphasize too much how exercise has changed my mental attitude. I run every day. It is my new addiction. The physical aspects helps me take my mind off of my wife and our issues. Maybe it would work for you too. I’m at about 1 month without sex and it is getting easier. Sleeping on the couch helps too.
I'm a man . . . But I can change . . . If I have to . . . I guess . . .
I am in a similar position as Unadjusted. My post is elsewhere in this forum. We've been married 10 years, but the last three have been terrible for me because of kids, pregnancies and a miscarriage. She checked out with our 3rd child and devoted her attention to him more than she did with the others. Now we have a 4th (I never intended us to get pregnant, at least not when we did).
I have given a lot of thought to my situation, and my wife and I have talked about it after I brought the subject up. I have also done a lot of reading, including SSM. Fundamentally for me, this is about her not noticing that I have a need and her not having any interest in doing anything about my needs. I understand that my wife was uncomfortable during her pregnancies; I understand my wife hurt emotionally after her miscarriage; I understand she's busy/tired/etc. with a new baby. But to ignore her husband of 10 years, to not think he might have a need and she might have what it takes to meet that need, to not explore other alternatives when she can't/isn't in the mood for sex, to not respond to my requests for time together, whether sex is involved or not, to not respond to my efforts to cuddle or spend time with her -- I have a hard time with all of this. I feel like when I do something for her (housework, caring for baby), she is taking advantage of me. How is it that I'm expected to meet her needs but she is not expected to meet mine? BTW, she doesn't work outside the home. I do, and my job can be very mentally demanding. It's hard for me to just jump into the fray at home and do everything she didn't want to/couldn't do during the day.
The SSM book has a line to women cautioning them not to get so wrapped up with a new baby that they ignore their husbands; but I don't see any guidance to the H for when W does this.
I have finally stopped pursuing her and in my mind "moved on." I was the HD spouse; now I'm no-D. I don't have any interest in touching, cuddling, etc. because I feel emotionally hurt and don't trust her emotionally anymore.
I have been pursuing my own interests/hobbies, taking care of myself first and trying to spend more time with our other kids. Since I've only been doing this for a short time now, perhaps after I've been at it longer my perspective and things in our marriage will change. I am having a hard time getting access to the new baby, though. She keeps the baby close most of the time when I'm home. This has been the biggest problem in our marriage - she won't make room for us. So now I generally leave that area of the house and go about my own business. I don't initiate any conversation or touch. When I do, I'm ignored. I figure, if she doesn't want it, I won't waste my energy giving it. Although I feel somewhat better, I feel like we are leading separate lives with separate goals. It really hurts and it's very dysfunctional.
I'd like to think it will get better someday, but given that we've already talked about it and she hasn't made any changes, I don't know. I'm just kind of figuring it will be this way til the baby is weaned 18 months or so from now. But assuming she does come around, one thing is for sure, our marriage will never be the same. And when/if she decides to check back into the marriage, there are no guarantees she find the same man that she had when she checked out. I have already felt that things have changed so much between us that I don't like having her in bed anymore (she slept on the sofa during most of the last pregnancy and still does this now that baby's here - never could get a straight answer why). When she has come back to bed after baby was born, I found I had no interest in reaching for her like I did before the pregnancy. I don't know where any of this is leading.
Me 35 W 30 Together 11 years (long distance dating) M 9 1/2 years S 7 D 5 S 3 D newborn
I don't know nuthin'....but, I was a bachelor for a long time before being married (got married for the first time at 36) and I used to think "how could anyone cheat on their wife?" and "why do so many guys talk so negatively about their marriage, are they just kidding?".
After a few years of marriage, now my thoughts are more like "geez, no wonder there are so many divorces", or "don't women realize that guys probably are really turned off by this?" and "no, those guys were not joking".
The problem is, I don't want out. Number one because of my daughter, who is just ten months old. And, number two because I do not see a future scenario that is "better" than the current one. I made my choice to be married to this woman...and I need to make the best of it. I need to for my daughter's sake, for my wife's sake and for my sake.
I wish she'd realize that I would be happier if she changed a bit. I try really hard to make her happy and adequately provide for her and our daughter. The baby makes me very happy...and my wife too. I just wish my wife could put a little more into keeping me happy besides my happiness from the baby. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I feel that I've sacrificed a bit for this marriage and I was expecting more happiness generated by my wife.
Divorce is not an option...it would only result in more unhappiness for me, plus unhappiness for my wife asnd likely my daughter too.
I hate to have to think this way, but I just might start ignoring my wife, sexually. Maybe she needs a taste of her own medicine. Let her go "unwanted" for a period of time. Let her be rejected intimately a few times. Maybe playing-hard-to-get would have some benefit. If not, perhaps she'll at least inquire as to what is wrong and I'll have an opening to explain that I need more intimacy and I want improvements in that area.
My baby is 14 months old. I just wanted to tell you that, for me, childbirth and the first year were monumentally hard on my mentally. It was tough enough just to get out of the house or get a shower, let alone pretty yourself up for your man. You are suddenly spending all of your time tending to this little person, and so many of your own needs are completely shoved aside. Of course, you are affected by this new person in your life, too, but I'm just trying to shed some light on her perspective so you can find compassion. (Compassion helps me feel less anger toward my husband, and opens my mind toward solution.)
It is also so tough to get out of those mommy clothes because you need to be in "action-mode." For the first 6 months, I called myself the human burp cloth. I wouldn't dare wear anything nice. And now, after 14 months, at the end of a day of baby-wrangling, changing diapers, and feedings, I really have to make a conscious effort to put myself together for when my husband walks through the door.
One thing that helped me was to buy "mommy clothes" that were not entirely frumpy. They do make these things these days. Check out Victoria's Secret and buy her some cute loungewear as a gift. She'll appreciate the attention, and she just might get the hint.
The way she looks is an outward expression of how she is feeling right now. I bet she feels that her body has taken a toll, she is TIRED from working and being a new mommy, and she does not feel sexy at all. The big t-shirt trap is an easy one to fall into.
Since your baby is only 10 months, and your wife is working and juggling this new role, I can only imagine that she doesn't think a necessary priority at this time of life is to give you some eye candy. So, if you do discuss it with her, please be sure to recognize how well she is doing as a mom. Tell her what you think when you see her holding your baby. If it touches you and makes you feel even closer to her, she should hear it. She can then see that being a mommy doesn't mean that you're all used up and "over".
I would say that you definitely have to help her get in the mindset. In addition to the cute mommy clothes treat, take charge of scheduling the sitter and picking the restaurant or activity. Make it easy on her. Or, how about setting up a spa day for her while you watch the baby. She'll come home feeling great, grateful, and perhaps more in the mood to give of herself to YOU rather than the baby.
I know all of my ideas cost money, so it may or may not be feasible to do all of it. But, you get the idea...
One word of caution: Don't give things or do things expecting immediate sex. It isn't payment for sex. That would not be healthy for your marriage. You are giving of yourself, thinking of her needs, and trying to bring her back to a place of loving you so that she does start to feel like engaging in a sex life with you again.
I particularly identify with Lucky's post. Try to make it clear to your W that it's not necessarily sex that you need, but her affection. Your baby is a new addition and you both have some adjusting to get used to.
My problem was weight gain, avoiding sex at any cost, guilt of knowing my H wanted sex more than I did, and my refusal to honestly communicate my feelings and needs. I constantly used, "I'm tired, I don't feel sexy, I don't feel like it..."
Reading SSM helped us; we read the book together. Be careful though, this problem will take work... it's not just a phase.
