I was officially divorced as of 12/29. Almost exactly 3 years to the date of our separation. Funny thing is, I couldn't muster one emotional response to it. It took 5 minutes to bring 10 years of my life to a tidy legal resolution and I couldn't feel anything. No remorse, no regrets, no happiness, no sadness, no nothing! It was as if I had just completed one daily routine chore and was moving on to my next daily chore.
The only thought that crossed my mind as I left the Judge's Office was how much easier my taxes would be to file this year. Is that pathetic or what? Is that even normal?
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
not pathetic. it wasn't 5 minutes, it was 3 years, after all. and am wondering if the reality, the finality, hasn't quite sunk in? the limbo has been such a part of your life for a long time now after all.
wishing you all the best in the new year, tom. take care and hope you make it back to boston again one of these days!
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I took my S(8) to his basketball game this morning. I got a call from the ex about an hour before the game saying she was going to come and watch as well. I told her we would look for her.
When I arrived and started walking to the gym with my S, the ex yelled out to us from behind to slow down. We waited for her to catch up and proceeded towards the gym. As we were approaching the doors, I was a step or two a head of both S and ex. I looked behind at them and caught the ex checking my arse out. She looked up quickly with no expression as she tried to deflect the thought that I had seen her checking my arse out.
During the game, she asked me if I was still seeing my gf. I simply said yes. She frowned it went momentarily silent. She didn't ask for more info. We spoke about S and school and other things concerning our S's welfare.
After the game, I took her and my S out to breakfast. As we were conversing with our S, he brought up the fact he had made a mistake on an inbound pass from the sideline and was a little down on himself about it. My ex told him that she makes mistakes to and then in a lower tone of voice added that.. "She's made some big ones over the past 3 years". She looked at me and then quickly looked back at our S. I know it was her way of trying to apologize.
I really do forgive her, but I can't go back. I can be her friend now, but never a lover anymore.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I never thought it would come, but it did. Yes, it does feel good in one aspect, but sad in another. The wound has heeled, but the scare will always be there for me. She's now taken notice of her own wound and I think the heeling has finally begun for her as well. I wasn't the cause of all her troubled feelings after all.
It's ironic how far a head of me she was in finding trouble in our M and now is so very far behind me in reconciling those feelings.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
The good news tom is that you have before you an opportunity to have a great relationship with your kids mom. That doesn't always happen to people who go through what we have.
You have been doing this for long enough and are now able to open your heart to the possibility that you and ex can be friends. That is fantastic and just shows what a good man you are.
My aunt and uncle have been divorced for 20 years now. They are great friends and still do things together, with their new spouses even. They have a grandchild from my cousin and throw birthday parties together for him. They even have a christmas party together at my aunts house for the whole family. They are able to do this because each of them at some point after the divorce came to that place where they each owned their responsibility and were able to forgive each other and mend the hatred.
I am not saying that this is what you should do today, you are still fresh off the divorce, but to see the big picture and allow your heart to be open to this kind of relationship in the future is a huge step. I hope that someday I to will be in that place.
It's ironic how far a head of me she was in finding trouble in our M and now is so very far behind me in reconciling those feelings.
I like this too. I wonder how common this is - guess it gets to the whole question of whether WAS regret things when there weren't insurmountable issues in the M. I think the LBS is better off to the degree that they tend to dwell on things and work through them while trying to let go, precisely because they are in the position of being so far behind. They're dealing with the reality of the D. I think WAS deal with things not through the realities, but through the possibilities of life with OM or being single or whatever. This leads to justifications, which bury the true feelings and they may never deal with these feelings properly, carrying all their issues with them. But each sitch is different, so I may just be projecting.
It's like Ian says - friendship depends on how each party deals with their own responsibility and forgiveness.
The good news tom is that you have before you an opportunity to have a great relationship with your kids mom. That doesn't always happen to people who go through what we have.
Your right Ian, it's very important for the kid's sake. I hope we all eventually get to that place. It just makes co-parenting a much easier proposition for everyone. I know our S is much more at ease and has a better understanding that even though Mom and Dad don't live together, they don't hate each other. There was such a long period of time where we didn't say more than a few words to each other. He picked up on that and I know it affected his mood.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
