Yoyo, the 2x4's may be needed, but there is still no EASY answer. It's easy for us (on the outside) to give you advice, but you need to be sure in your heart! You can't give an ultimatum unless you are 100% sure. What you're going through now isn't easy, but divorce is not easy either.
Hope the game goes well.....no matter who rides in which car.
So I'm trying to figure out how to work it out that I will not ride with H to the ballgame tomorrow night
Regardless of who is riding with you, when he calls and asks if you want to ride together, say no, and leave it at that. Early on and continuing to the recent past, I was far too likely to agree to riding together, going to an event together etc, because it was uncomfortable to say no.....then I ended up uncomfortable anyway. It's your car, you pick your passengers. Tell him he cramps your style and makes it too hard to pick up a boy toy.
Me: 44 S: 17 and 7 Final-6-13-08 I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
NC, the basketball team will be in your brother's neck of the woods.
Hello, Yoyo, that sounds great! I wish I could be there too.
As for what others have said, I can't agree more. It definitely looks like your H has simply "bought you off" just so he can return back to his "sweet deal" -- having two women at his beck and call. Moreover he can continue to have his mistress on the side while reducing the potential threat to "his" assets secured in the family business.
We have all hoped and prayed that his positive actions towards you were both truly genuine and in your best interests. It looks like we have been wrong; our hopes and wishes for you appear to have been dashed -- and we don't want you to be hurt all over again.
I really wish now that I could instantly visit my brother and his family -- while I myself feel I am in great need of their hugs and their presence, especially now, the added benefit would be that I could also give you a bunch of much-needed real hugs, in person, for all the grief you're going through.
For now, however, all I can offer are these heart-felt if virtual ((((((hugs))))))).
Yoyo {{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}} change is hard and scary but you know it and your friends here know it...it is time.
Plan B, no contact. You think that your H will forget you if you do this BUT that is not the case. Since I went dark on my H about 3.5 weeks ago, this is the most he has asked about me to my D28 and SIL. Also when you are not in the picture what can he talk about with OW? Seriously. When you remove yourself from their situation they have only each other to look at and maybe it will not be so rosey.
Do you take a chance of losing H? Absolutely -- but what is being accomplished now by you still being in his life. You are starting to feel bad about your self and you are a wonderful woman, mother and yes -- wife.
Glad you got the book.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
What is the timeline of your situation? Example: 2 years ago found out about A, 1 year ago separation, 6 months supposed no contact, etc. I think if I see it black and white it will help me see where you are at and maybe I can help. It may help you, too. Where are you at right now?
I've had some major computer problems today. I had post all ready to go and I lost my connection before it would submit.
Thanks everyone for taking the time to offer suggestions. I agree with you all. I have to take more of stand and remove myself from him and stop receiving his crumbs.
You all are so important to me and I value you all.
Didi, I had a really good timeline for you, but lost it so I'll take another shot at it.
10/06 - H informs me he wants out that he hasn't been happy for a while. I noticed he had been withdrawing, but I thought it was all in my head. Yes, we do bury our heads. I asked him if there was someone else and he said no. He moved out the next day. He moved into his office building. We own the business. I do not work there.
11/06 - He starts coming around some.
12/06 - My friend hears from someone else that he is having affair with his secretary.
1/07 - Ow's H calls me and tells me that he had a PI to follow his wife and found out she was having affair with my H. We compared notes and found out that his wife had kicked him out of the house 4 days prior to my H moving out. The PI had video of my H sneaking to the OW's H after son was in bed. Yes, they were having sex right across the hall from 8 year old boy.
H and I continue seeing each other off and on during this time. I thought he would see I was the "better" choice. Unfortunately, he thougth the best choice was having two women.
6/07 I receive D papers in the mail.
8/07 I see H had a DD's ballgame for the first time in almost 3 months. I did not speak to him. That Monday was Labor Day. He called to tell me he needed to change oil in DD's car. He could have called her cell, but he called me instead. He also volunteered to change mine. We starte seeing each other again periodically.
12/07 We decide to try to work things out. On Christmas day he goes to tell his mother. She gets mad at him (she and OW became big buddies) and tells him it will never work. He listens to his mother and decides it won't work.
I foolishly continue to let him come around.
4/08 We attend charity benefit. We stay at his house afterwards. I wake up around 3:00 am and snoop on his phone. The OW had called him numerous times with the last time being at midnight. I angrily call her and tell her to leave him alone on his phone. She wouldn't believe it was me. She thought it was our DD16! How stupid! I woke H up to confirm it. He got furious that I snooped. He said I probably cost him a secretary. I said that's okay she cost me my marriage.
We go two weeks without talking. He calls up and makes all kind of promises including of firing OW. We go out of town for the weekend. He of course did not fire her. He said he was afraid of lawsuit. He wanted her to quit on her own...
6/08 Divorce comes up for review. He calls it off telling L we are working on reconciliing.
He is hot and cold during all of this time.
8/08 We go to DD's football game. OW calls on our way home. I of course am furious. I know if she is calling, it means they are probably still seeing each other. But of course the next day he smooths it over with me.
He continues with his hot and cold behavior.
12/08 H buys me new Yukon Denali for Chrismas. H tells me that he does not see OW outside of work and hasn't for a while.
1/09 SuperBowl- We go to friends. Afterwards we go home. DD has friends over. H is showing them hunting pics on his cell phone and it shows that OW is calling. I do not say anything to him because I don't want to argue in front of kids. One of the boys asked DD later who that was that called.
This past Wed. I get a call from OW H's telling me that his son who lives with his mom said that my H was at their house the previous Thursday night.
I had to see my H that night because he needed the title to a car we were selling. I did not bring up the OW. I didn't say much at all as a matter of fact. When I got ready to leave he stood up and hugged and kissed me bye.
So that's my whole pathetic story...
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I just wanted to say that I understand what you are going through. My H has actually been seeing his OW for 5 years now. Yeap, really long term. The go off and on and I actually tried to see if it would end by itself but it didn't and she is quite persistent and won't let it go. H and I had been S for 5 months and I feel that it great for H to just have OW without me so he can see what he has. But who knows if he will. I know you have gotten tons of advice already so I won't offer any. Just wanted to say that I understand I too know I need to draw the line and I'm trying my best to. Hugs.
I just want to say, that although in some ways you ladies may feel 'pathetic', I think you are very strong.
You never wanted to be in the positions you are in....your H's have put you there.....and they sure do not deserve the strength you have shown in standing for your M's. (((((HUGS)))))))
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I wrote a post and tried twice to submit it. But the computer connection didn't work. Perhaps my advice was not wanted today. So I will wait, and see what I think later.
