It just seemed, I dunno, so much more uplifting back in the day...not that we didn't all come here and share hurts and pain, but the message I got was so much more one of hope.
And by that, I don't mean hope that my marriage would be restored, but hope that I would be OK, no matter what the outcome.
And by that, I don't mean hope that my marriage would be restored, but hope that I would be OK, no matter what the outcome.
That was always my take on DB--that the goal was to make ME a better person, to make me responsible for my own happiness, and a nice little by product would be that I became a better potential partner and my M might survive.
I'm going to post a longish update later. So glad you posted again brue.
How cool is this? All the familiar guys and gals. Like going to "homecoming" to see folks that helped you get through the awkward years. A chance to see a friendly face, share some news, and be surrounded in a group hug.
Hey, that better be one of the DBbabes grabbing my rear! And it better stop .... well ... at some point.
Imagine the potential, the combined energy and power, this group could create if applied all at once to one problem. Maybe we should cure something. Oh wait ... I think maybe we did. And the healing continues every day. May the process never end. May we be priviledged enough to help someone else along the way. May we all enjoy a wonderful New Year full of faith and hope.
May the Newbies, the Separated, and the Standers find some of this faith and hope along their journey. How each person comes out on the other side may be unknown to them at this point. But they need to believe that like others before them ... there is a good life ahead. It is a better life than the one they are burdoned with today. And they will be a better person when they reach that point. This unwanted journey is driving them forward, ready or not. The things learned here along the way, teach us all how to be better individuals. The people here made us better people. No one asked for the experience, but everyone gained from it.
There is no other place like this, for support and friendship during the journey. I hope all those here in need will find their hope and supportive friendship with someone, if not those on this thread. I hope to find out who's hand that was.
Chappy, I am not sure who could come here and read that and not be inspired and not have hope that what you say will prove true for them.
That's exactly what I mean and exactly the point of my coming back and posting...none of us would have wished this, nor did any of us deserve it. But how we choose to view it, and more importantly, how we choose to respond to it, is entirely up to us.
I wish for everyone here, that tonight, as you look toward 2009, you make this moment the beginning of your new best life.
I heard the gang was back together and just had to see for myself!!! (wave, wave, wave!!!)
WOW! BaseballMyFanny, Lissie, Vali, Brue, AH, Chappy and others!!!!!!! I have often wondered how you have all been this year - always hoping that your lives were nothing short of fantastic.
Thanks, BmfA - this is a wonderful thread....getting us all back together for an update and message of hope and bright paths ahead - very timely for the new year.
First, a very happy new year to all here, veterans and new! I hope that the new year brings you joy, peace, breakthroughs, faith, good bonds with family and friends, and the chance to be the very best you can be.
It's been a LONG time since I posted, and this site was once a saving grace for me during some really dark times. As everyone has said, the friends I have made here quickly became, and will forever remain, the dearest in my life.
Taking a trip down memory lane is quite the chance to see how life has turned. The dear bonds I formed were from sharing intense, painful emotions. Now, these are the same friends that I share thoughts of growth, healing and joy - those I call when I am excited about something, on a new trip, or just want to laugh. We still share painful moments, but they are mostly what our lives are made of now - the goodness of life.
Like Ms. Fanny said - sharing this is not bragging. It's not to 'recruit' folks into the 'get divorced and live a fantastic life' club. It's not a cry of masked insecurity of sour grapes or needing to feel a success. Just sharing the road - and the very basic facts of life. It goes on. With or without you. It can be good, very good. You can be happy, in many ways. Doors you never imagined will open, and you have the choice to walk through them. You can see endless blessings and be thankful for fate and life. Of course, these things apply whether your marriage is saved or not.
The fact is - my marriage failed. I am happy now, but, it's not without a lot of hard work to overcome the very real aspects of pain, hurt, self-esteem, shame (still working on that one). It's not what I planned or wanted, but it can be what I make it.
Where am I now? I have moved back to my home state. That was the best thing I ever did. But, I am glad I stayed to get some closure and answers. I have formed a wonderfully close bond with my family and opened up old friendships. I feel a deep sense of calm, peace, security, and happiness I have not felt in a long time. I gained weight, I sleep great, my health and emotional well being are so well. My job is nice and has allowed me wonderful travel and financial security in what is now a nightmare of economic times. But, I'm looking for new work. It's been so thrilling applying for jobs, and seeing all the possibilities laid out there, that I would have NEVER imagined if I were still married.
Where is my xh? Is he happy? Is he married? What happened to the OWs? Did he regret? Did he feel sorry? I don't know. At all. The short story - Since I now know he is bipolar and will not face it, it's clear for me to see how good my life is now. He did not want help. He was a terror to me and to many others. There is simply nothing I can do about that except take responsibility for my own life. I cannot help him, nor can I be the wall he beats himself on. Sure, I have nice memories of our past, when he was healthier. They have faded, though, quite naturally, into the mosaic of reality that was our relationship....the good and the bad. I try hard each day to bury any of the anger and pain and accept that he is sick, literally. Forgiveness, like my dear Ms. Fanny once taught me, has been giving it to God. I am content with that.
So, what's the point of reading this (if you made it this far at all?)....hmmm. Maybe, I can share a few things I learned along the way, and especially after. Even though my situation crazily outgrew the MLC forum, I hope this still helps.
* Get a set of Kidney Friends - people you would give your kidney to, if asked, and know they would give you theirs. Make sure it's a set of friends (in life or from the DB) who will love you when you cry, AND scream at you to snap out of when you need!! People who will tell you the truth and keep your self-esteem up.
* Get closer to God. Your spirituality, many times, will be the thread that holds you above bottom. Embrace it.
* Hold your family dear. You will soon learn that blood is thicker (when it comes to your spouses family) - and while you are hurt by that, take the time to turn around and see the same lesson standing by you in your own family, who love you more fiercely than you know.
* Put the mask on yourself before you help others. Remember the safety speech on airplanes? It's the same in life. Take care of your own emotional, spiritual and physical well being in this, keep it safe, keep it strong. Without that, you cannot help your family or your spouse.
* Draw boundaries and stand up for yourself. Whether you are standing or ending your marriage - boundaries keep you (and your family) safe and sane. The chances of pushing the spouse away are slim (as you can see around here when folks do draw lines). The chances of you losing your sanity, your self-esteem, and many other things are much greater. Don't do it to get a response from your spouse.
* Get out of the drama. Stop playing the push and pull of action and reaction with your spouse and just live for you and your family. Easier said than done. Keep interactions and actions to just what is essential and don't get baited into the Springer-ness. If you constantly are, look deeper to why you find yourself there.
* Get a life for YOU. Not to get a response, not to get your marriage back. For you, for your sanity and for your growth.
* Accept that you move emotionally at your own pace. It will come when it is right. BUT, put in the work. Know what your lessons are, what hard times are teaching you.
* Take this time to learn about you, the good and the bad. Grow and change the things you want to be better. Be the best you can be.
* Always believe in your Fabulosity. What IS Fabulosity? You are a catch. You are amazing. You are better than sliced bread. You are incredible, and YOU DEFINE YOU. No one gets to do that. Never stop being proud of yourself, surround yourself with people who give you positive vibes about you, always count your accomplishments. Look first within yourself for validation. worthy,
* Always share a laugh, joke or smile each day, about something totally different than your spouse of the madness.
* Take care of your health. This is important. Eat well - even if it means small changes. Take a walk, workout, whatever. Take your vitamins.
* Take the time to dress up, look and feel great. Feel great about the way you look and make those changes you have wanted for YOU. Get that nice outfit, wear the jewelry and makeup when you want, do your hair different, whatever little things - and tell yourself each day that you are fabulous!
* Push the stop button when you start comparing with the OP. Easier said than done. We all get stuck in the spiral. This is when you call aforementioned Kidney Friends to tell you what a skank OP is, what a loser (most likely the truth), and how wonderful you are (ALWAYS the truth!! ha ha), and who will yell at you to snap out of it.
* Expand your horizons. Make new friends. Do fun new things with your family (even fun daytrips). Do something different and new. Read, learn, get engaged in something that is larger than you, the drama, etc.
* COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS. Count, each day, over and over, the things in life that are GOOD, RIGHT, LOVING, GRACIOUS, WONDERFUL. Let the warm feeling of those things embrace you.
* life is short. Live it. Send a note to a friend, go back to school, get that job, get a new look, get a hobby, rearrange your house, take that trip, set new goals. Whatever you wanted to do - try to do as you can.
Well, that's all I think anyone wants to read.....
Always, how wonderful to see you here too, along with all the other wonderful DBers. You sound like your life is becoming very bright and full of promise. Being with family adds greatly to the healing. We're all so glad for you.
Everyone's comments are much more than just words, but "life" put into words. If we could all absorb and follow the words, we would all have such great lives. I think maybe we actually will.
We all wish for a great life for every LBS here. I wish everyone could find this thread and understnad all the stories behind it. Read over it often, until the pieces fit. Give serious thought to what you aren't doing for yourself, but should be ... then do it. If you feel wronged by someone, the best way to get even is to "live the better life". Live your best life. The best way to do that, is to turn it over to God. Have faith. Have hope. Believe in tomorrow. Believe in yourself just as we all believe in you.
