For me its that marriage is for life. I don't consider remarriage an alternative. That being said... I also love my wife. No matter how much she hurts me right now, I know I made alot of mistakes in our marriage and I feel like her anger is justified. But I will still take her back no matter what she does because I truly do love her. I don't want to think about the rest of my life without her and her being with someone else which is a reality I am facing right now. The thought of her with someone else truly brings me to my knees. I guess its love more than anything else that makes us willing to take them back. You could say I am a doormat right now. I don't want to be with anyone else, nor do I believe I can be with anyone else. But I really enjoy her when she is not acting like this and I just pray for a change of heart in her. You can overlook alot when you truly love someone. I'm not saying there won't be hurt that needs to be healed. But I would rather have my wife go through whatever it is she feels she needs no matter how much it hurts me and come back to me, than to lose her forever to someone else.
I'm not sure how to answer your question other than true love for that person.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Arghhhh!! I thought I would quit posting here but I also feel like ya'll understand me here!! Okay, so no contact yesterday at all until last night when he texts me and says what is going on, STRANGER??? It's hard for me to know what DBing I should be doing because I want to be as transparent as humanly possible, but I also feel like he is WAS, using this stitch as an excuse to go back to drinking and do whatever he was going to do before he married me. It is all superficial texting last night - well, it all about the kids, anyway, but he does ask if i am okay. I always reply yes and ask how he is. Then this morning, back to nothing. Okay. So I take d4 to the park and just text him something simple - that I am taking her to the park if he wants to go, that's where we will be. He texts back that he is bringing us breakfast burritos. I don't reply back and he shows up about 15 minutes later. She eats. I eat. We trade a little bit of news/mail. He says he has to get back to the house because he is cooking. Then he gives me a hug and kiss before he leaves and he says "call me".
I'm just confused. Sometimes he seems like WAS, but I'm afraid to just leave all the contact in his court. I wonder if he stays quiet because I am staying quiet. I wonder if he is waiting for me to "come around". I've told him exactly how I feel. That I want us back together. That I want things to work THE RIGHT WAY. That I know it takes time, and that I just want to do little things like go the movies or out to eat or just for a walk. We did go out to eat alone without the kids 1 time this week. But when I told him that, he bolted the other way, saying no, he wanted a divorce, he couldn't forgive me, he almost killed himself over me, etc.
Overanalyzation, I suppose. Guilty.
Things I realize I need to work on:
1. I will stop interrupting other people. It is a habit I have and it has gotten worse. 2. I will start to relax more. For example, I will say yes to drinks more, and try not to be as uptight as I have in the past. I will try to say yes more, when invited to do things, whereas in the past i have usually said no because it wasn't my "thing." 3. I will not tell him or help him parent the kids. He is no more AND NO LESS capable than I. 4. When he sends money to family who need it, I will not resent it anymore. I will be thankful for it because I also know that if it were me or my family in need, he would do the same, and that is heartwarming. 5. I will try to have more patience. 6. I will try to become somewhat more reserved in my personality. I am often opinionated and I voice it. I am going to try to just sit back and observe for awhile. 7. Money. Again. As long as the bills are paid, I will try not to worry about savings or the lack thereof. We can't take it with us when we die.
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
This is all so confusing. When all else fails, I say follow your heart as long as your heart isn't telling you to do more of the same that has not been working before. That's the best advice I can give right now, as I am not doing to good at this whole DB thing either.
>>But when I told him that, he bolted the other way, saying no, he wanted a divorce, he couldn't forgive me, he almost killed himself over me, etc. <<
No R talk. I don't think he's waiting for you to "come around." I think he's in a holding phase, trying to heal and is afraid to trust in you. The only thing that can help with this is time and space. While you just be a friend when he needs one.
By the way.... forgive me for hijacking your thread here, but I just have to reply to the "love" word. One problem I see with using "love" as the main reason for staying, or leaving, or making any decisions in a realtionship is that love is a feeling and feelings change.
For example, many WAS leave because they no longer "love" their LBS. Also, the anger, resentment, etc... you feel when you learn your spouse has cheated is enough to dull and even temporarily squash any feelings of love. Love is an emotion. It's also tied to hormones in your body. Scientists have studied how hormones affect feelings of "love." That's what makes affairs so attractive... that rush of hormones that feel like love.
I think real love is something that lasts much longer. The feeling of it can come and go and there are other things tied to it. Like memories, and history, good times, bad times, physical affection, caring, children, etc..... So one point I'd like to make out of this whole diatribe is that even if your WAS spouse says they don't love you now, it doesn't mean they won't love you in the future. If someone felt love for you once, chances are they can feel it again. And just because someone feels love for a new person in their life it doesn't mean that won't change a year from now. And when the WAS does return, sometimes those "love" feelings can change quickly because even if they return you still have to work through the anger, pain, lack of trust, etc... that the affair or abandonment created, and you may sometimes not feel so much "love" anymore....
Love (beyond initial infatuation) is a choice.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
ROOT, what an excellent post. I will re-read that many times I think.
Mel, I am going to be honest with you. Please forgive me. I am a former soldier and have experienced being deployed. If my wife had been cheating on me while I was in harms way, far from my family...I can't tell you how devastated I would be. I am no longer a soldier and I only have proof of a EA my wife had and then she was the WAS. But now she seems to be trying to come back around and I am not sure that is possible. As ROOT's post so well stated, my feelings of love have been removed by the hurt and betrayal. I can only tell you that I don't know if I can ever take my wife back again because the trust is gone but she would have to do a lot of work to even get me to think about trusting her.
God is in control and he knows your heart. I am not about playing mind games, I personally think you are doing much better by telling him what you think and feel.
I did tell him over Christmas holidays. We finally just had it out to an extent and I told him that I would do whatever, would he please go to counseling with me, that I loved him, I made a mistake, etc. But the answer was no. And I don't blame him. So I put it out there and I'm not gonna bring it back up again. That week we fought was awful. So I've been quiet. Just trying to be there if he needs me and do the things he does ask of me. Mostly he says we have to be friends because he couldn't stand not being friends with me. So that is what I am doing for now. It's hard. I know he needs the space.
It's just that sometimes, he makes me feel like he is waiting for me to act. I don't initiate contact. I let him do it. And sometimes I feel like he is waiting for me to initiate it. If we both back so far off, then both of us will be determined that the other wants nothing to do with the other.
I do think that if he changes his mind, though, he knows where I stand.
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
I do appreciate you being honest with me. It think it's hard for a lot of spouses of deployed soldiers to understand what all goes on over there. We know you are danger...common sense tells us that...but we really don't comprehend it. It is so distant and incomprehensible because we have not lived it, maybe you don't speak of it, I'm not sure, but it's just so...far away. I felt so far removed from his life at that point that it was just...strange, I guess. Not sure what word I am looking for here. Add on to that me working full time (because Lord knows we couldn't make it without it) Add on to that me going to school full-time (trying to make a better life for all of us) Add on to that me taking care of two kids alone. Add on to that me taking care of a house and yard alone. Add on to that the things he would call back and want me to do. Add on to that the feelings of being SO ALONE because nobody ever checked on me or did anything to help me out or inviting me anywhere just to get me out of the house. Add on to that a dog and cat. Add on to that trying to give him the impression that everything was fine at home and "the wifey" was doing great. God forbid we ever admit that we are sucking at this. You know the "rule" about only giving good news and sounding upbeat and being superwoman.
It's no excuse for the choice I made. But damnit!! I know you guys bust your butts over there. There is hands down no question. But ya'll get all the support you can get over there. It doesn't matter. Because there's no excuse for the choice I made.
Again, thank you. I'm not mad and I appreciate the POV. I'm just disappointed in myself, ashamed, sad, and about a million other things.
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
Everyone makes mistakes. Unfortunately in alot of our cases, our spouses aren't willing to forgive us. Stay hopeful. Its bleak I know. We all know. None of us are going through this alone.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I do appreciate you being honest with me. It think it's hard for a lot of spouses of deployed soldiers to understand what all goes on over there. We know you are danger...common sense tells us that...but we really don't comprehend it. It is so distant and incomprehensible because we have not lived it, maybe you don't speak of it, I'm not sure, but it's just so...far away. I felt so far removed from his life at that point that it was just...strange, I guess. Not sure what word I am looking for here. Add on to that me working full time (because Lord knows we couldn't make it without it) Add on to that me going to school full-time (trying to make a better life for all of us) Add on to that me taking care of two kids alone. Add on to that me taking care of a house and yard alone. Add on to that the things he would call back and want me to do. Add on to that the feelings of being SO ALONE because nobody ever checked on me or did anything to help me out or inviting me anywhere just to get me out of the house. Add on to that a dog and cat. Add on to that trying to give him the impression that everything was fine at home and "the wifey" was doing great. God forbid we ever admit that we are sucking at this. You know the "rule" about only giving good news and sounding upbeat and being superwoman.
It's no excuse for the choice I made. But damnit!! I know you guys bust your butts over there. There is hands down no question. But ya'll get all the support you can get over there. It doesn't matter. Because there's no excuse for the choice I made.
Again, thank you. I'm not mad and I appreciate the POV. I'm just disappointed in myself, ashamed, sad, and about a million other things.
Mel
Mel, it is distant and lonely for us too. But we cannot control that. My deployments were not very easy for us. I tried to do everything for my wife before I left but you can't do it all. You can't help your wife when you are half a world away. Hell I bought her a 4X4 so she would not get stuck in the snow...but there are limits. We grew distant, I am sure she had her doubts about me being in a small unit that was half women in a very restricted environment for so long. But even though the opportunities to be unfaithful were there and were presented to me regularly. I did not do it. I could not do that to her, even under the stress I was under. Not trying to throw stones but he was under stress and pressure to Mel. You just have to take your lumps at this point. I sure as hell would not be saying anything about his drinking either, unless it could cause him or others harm. Give him time and space. As a military spouse you have to realize that there is a whole subspecies of humans that look to prey upon spouses of deployed military folks and we know that and it adds to the stress and pressure of being away. To have that fear confirmed is a killer Mel. Put yourself in his shoes but please let go of the guilt and take care of yourself and your kids. That is what you can do right now.
