Was that a speedbump or a milestone?

[sleeper]

Thanks deb, so do you!

So do all dbers!

My wish for 2009 is that we all turn from the pain behind us and grasp the life that is before us.

Carpe vita!

[whateverittakes]

I've just read your thread for the first time. That's maybe why my response is a bit different from others.

You are starting to sound like a WAS. Are you o.k. with that? Really? Truly?

You've gone through so much and worked so hard for so long ... maybe you really are done. But are you really? Do you feel it and know it?

If you think or feel maybe not, then perhaps you may want to tell X that you'll go to counselling if she still wishes to set it up. You don't do anything but show up and listen (at least initially). It's her ballgame from there. Worst case scenario may be a better co-parenting relationship. That's a pretty good one.

Sounds like maybe there's still some room for you to make an active choice as to whether this is a speedbump or milestone.

She walked away but certainly isn't done with you. You may want to be sure that you don't end up in that position as well. But maybe you are sure now, I can't tell.

[sleeper]

Tonight was interesting........

I called X this afternoon to ask if she would take the kids a little early. She quickly told me, "No, I'm too upset." I asked, "Why?" and after pressing she confided in me that she and OM had a fight. I simply responded, "I'm sorry." She then demanded to know the name of the person I'm dating, etc., etc. I held my ground and told her nothing.

When I took kids to her a couple of hours later (close to our regular time) she requested that I stay for a few minutes so she could talk to me. She made several interesting comments:

1. It is my fault her and OM are fighting because I dropped by unannounced (DD desparately wanted something of hers from the house) and I used my key to enter the house a week ago while they were there.

2. I have done "damage" (irreparable?) to their R.

3. It is my fault she is broke as I refused to comply with her attempted orchestration of the D by not agreeing to use one L (hers) and not agreeing to her every demand.

4. She vented frustration that I didn't make self improvements (dbing) until she dropped the bomb.

I don't know if he's using me as an excuse to break up with her or she is just blaming me for the failure of their R.

She has never (and didn't tonight) asked me to give her my key to the house or the business for that matter.

At one point as I stood in her bedroom, during the above discussion, I couldn't help but notice pics of her and OM on the shelves. She asked, "What?" As I turned to leave she said, "That's right, ____, just walk away." I showed no emotion to any of her comments, gave no defense in response to any of her accusations, did a few things for the kids and left.

[sleeper]

Hello whateverittakes,

I'm a LBS who is coming to grips with standing for something that no longer exists practically, figuratively, or legally.

I guess it's the reason we never see people protesting to preserve the habitats of extinct species. What's the point?

Am I "OK" with it? Not sure. I do know it makes no sense to wait any longer. Is anyone still waiting for the Titanic to dock? How about the Lusitania?

Yes I went through a lot, worked hard. Is she not done with me? Don't know. Maybe we'll see, maybe not.

It's TOTALLY up to her now.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

It's TOTALLY up to her now.

No.
It is totally up to you now.
The LBSer is the one who actually determines this and always has. If she comes around it is up to you if she can. If she wants to talk it is up to you if you listen, if she does X, it is up to you if you are going to do Y...

Always has been. It takes awhile, a very long while for some to realize this because at first we all feel like someone is pulling our strings, but that is because we allow it.

[C_K]

Sleeper , wow are we both on the same page again. check out my last post in my thread and you can see the similarity . The worse thing is as dear W starts her slippery slide , the Kids are wanting less to do with her despite my encouragement. I hope that changes .
I can emphasise with were you are at , I to struggle with the thought that there could ever be a reconciliation with my W.
All I can say is just take things slow , dont be in a hurry to enter a new R .
The question is if she was to figure it out and realy start making changes she needs to make and there was a chance of reuniting your family what would you do?

I dont have the answer , just giving you stuff to think over .

Dave

[forward]

Ah, Sleeper, I feel in a similar boat, although I think your W has gradually come to have a better view of you than H has had of me, and you have seen more signs of hope and progress than I have.

You do need to start acting as if you are divorced. But you can make it friendly if possible.

Would you just walk in to a friend's house? Do not just go into her place again. If I were you, I'd turn the key over and simply say "I don't want to invade your privacy and I don't want to get between you and OM."

That should be a 180.

I also think about dating. I am realizing I have a very shaky sense of self now, and I want to come out of it.

[forward]

"If you think or feel maybe not, then perhaps you may want to tell X that you'll go to counselling if she still wishes to set it up. You don't do anything but show up and listen (at least initially). It's her ballgame from there. Worst case scenario may be a better co-parenting relationship. That's a pretty good one."

Sleeper, This is good advice.

[forward]

And S, one other point:

If you read Another Web Site with Marriage advice, the fact that you are re-entering into conflict with her could be a good thing. You would have to get those issues back out to get back to an intimate relationship.

You have made progress.

It's when you are shut down and withdrawn from one another (as unfortunately I am w/H) that things are most problematic.

[sleeper]

When I was dropping kids off last night X came out (OM was in house) and said there was one thing she wanted to change on the financial agreement. The root of the issue was one of her not trusting me completely. I told her I just want it over so I can do some financial things I am unable to as long as financials are in limbo.

When I got home I dwelled on what she had said and got a little irritated. Over the last two years I have done NOTHING to cause her to distrust me. In fact I have gone around the world out of my way to do things for her financially and otherwise. I haven't just gone "above and beyond." I've gone above, beyond and into another dimension in the things I have done for her. I texted her to that effect.

This AM I read my test and although not an angry one I decided she might misinterpret it so I texted her a short explanation. She then texted me about 6 times, and went on and on about how she wants to help me achieve my goals and won't stand in my way, asking if there is anything she can do to help. I had turned my phone off as I was at work and didn't respond to them.

She called me after work but I missed the call as my phone was still off. Later I called her to request if I could bring by something DD had left at my place, trying to respect her and OM's privacy. She was totally OK with me comming by but got off the phone quickly. Funny how she took time to text me multiple times earlier in the day but didn't want to talk on the phone more than a moment. I think she didn't want OM to know she was talking to me. She told me I could call DD and DD would come out to get it. When I arrived DD came out as she had requested but OM came out a couple of moments later and went back in the house.

It's obvious she doesn't want to totally lose me. At the same time she doesn't want to damage her and OM's R by contact with me. Maybe she just doesn't want to lose her cake eating ticket or she wants to maintain contact with me as a plan "B" if the unstable R she and OM has falls apart.

It's all so very odd to me but really doesn't matter.

For the first time I really do feel like the OM in this sitch.