I think you are on point with that post Amy. I am not trying to martyr myself. I am afraid that in many respects I have accepted the D and have focused on moving on. I have not really been looking at things from a DBing perspective.
You raised good questions, and the main one being why don't I ask her these questions. Well, I have and she tells me that she is certain that she still feels the same way. But her actions do not show that. I think she is saying what she says out of equal parts pride and shame. I really think she had a mental breakdown and is not quite back in her right mind. This woman would NEVER have left her kids.
I am in no way a doormat, I am in my house, with my kids and she is here at my invitation only. There were a few instances where she needed to be reminded of that. I have indeed asked her to leave at times and told her she was not welcome and we had nothing to discuss if she was intent on treating me with disrespect. It has taken a long time but I think it is starting to sink in.
I also think that being nice to her has been not the best idea. I was even told that by my minister. He stated much the same as you that there have to be consequences to walking out on your husband and children. I just don't ever want my kids seeing me being mean or vengeful to their mom. Ya know. No matter what, she will always be my kid's mom.
Jay - My guess is that some man swept her off her feet and promised her the world at a time when her marriage was crumbling and not happy with her life. Then after this man crushed her, she came back hoping it could all be swept under the rug and return to her old life.
How you respond is up to you and what you want for your kids. I would say that you are doing the right thing morally - allowing her back into the family... BUT - she does owe you an explanation, what happened (but avoid the details of any affair at all cost - that could cause irrepairable damage to your thought process), why it happened and what needs to be done to prevent it from ever happening again - you and your kids cannot be hurt like that ever again.
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3 T:7.5/M:4 D Day: 1/24/08 Legal Separated: 6/12/08 BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08 Suspect BF pre-dates D Day
I totally agree. I am just so tired of the cat and mouse crap. Just say what you are thinking and stop all of the guessing games. If you can't tell, I am not a very good DB'er. LOL. I am afraid that irreparable damage has already been done. The trust is gone. I mean, I use to think marriage was a sacred thing that could not be destroyed. I was very anti-divorce ect., but that was before I walked in these shoes of a LBS with two young kids to try and explain things to. I was very arrogant in my opinions and quite naive as well I suspect. Well people change I guess. Sometimes the wheels fall off the wagon and you just can not get them off. I just hope that if there are any ladies (and men) out there thinking of doing what my wife did, that they have a chance to read of the despair on these boards. I hope they can be spared and their families spared of of the heartache and destruction so many of us have suffered.
Well I am currently a LBS with 1/2 time with a D3 - been like that for nearly a year now.
Nearly everyday, I pray for another chance to try to have my traditional family back together.
I have learned the things were not working right in my M. I learned that my priorities were mixed up. Work, chores, D3 then W. If I could do it all over again I would focus on W, D3, Work, chores.
You can think of it as you want.
I would be thankful that my W came back no matter what (the prodigal son). I would show her my love and appreciation for having her back in my life - in a way that she would never contemplate being a WAW again. Hopefully, she would act the same way. It takes both people to forgive, to show appreciation, and to show respect to each other - for the love to be restored. Love is the culmination of many emotions and inner thoughts building up over time and trials - there are many levels/forms of Love. Too many people see love as the butterflies and the weak in the knees - that is not love that is infatuation - which either goes away after a period of time or develops into deeper feelings.
People make mistakes in life. We are all human. Trust can be rebuilt - love can be restored - if both people are will to put in the time and effort.
Your sons really do not have much say in the matter - it is up to you to do what is right for them. Which is better for them - Forgiveness or Divorce ?
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3 T:7.5/M:4 D Day: 1/24/08 Legal Separated: 6/12/08 BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08 Suspect BF pre-dates D Day
I admire your openness and forgiveness, nothing bad can come from that. What is best for my son's has been my life for the past year. I have forgiven my wife but there are consequences to actions as Amy stated as well. You know, let us not forget that the LBS has feelings to. The thing that I am ashamed to say is that I was so in love with my wife for 10 years and now I am so apathetic towards her. I still care for her and love her as a child of God but not as a husband does. It is hard to explain. I am glad for you that your heart is still strong for her. That is a blessing from God.
What is best for my boys, is to be with a parent that loves them and will not hurt them by walking out on them. Two parents are certainly better than one as God intended it to be. But I can't let them be hurt again. I can't do that.
Jay Scott, you are such a strong Dad. How old are your kids? How much do they understand? I will need some pointers from you in the near future so let's keep in touch.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
PM we are a very similar sitch. I too am 38 and my boys are 12 and 6. I just know that regardless of how I feel for my wife, that I have to be here for my kids everyday and am not able to put a lot of effort into the DBing while she is not here. As someone said in another thread, you have to let them go and take care of yourself and your kids. They make choices and we can't change that.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
