Countdown to New Year, and fresh start?

[istherehope]

So a quick(ish) journal update for anyone who's been curious...

I went to Seattle on my own for about a week, and saw MIL there. I had been dreading the meeting, and even tried to orchestrate it so that I would not have time alone with her. Well she managed to talk about "things" anyway, and basically, in a nutshell, she thinks her son is screwing up the best thing that has ever happened to him :). She can't believe he is blaming me for his own problems, and said she lights candles for us every night, and that she has faith he will come back around. I tried not to say too much, but had been drinking a bit (wine tasting), so I did say that most people would have given up by now. She again said she had faith, and I said I did too.

Now we are in San Diego. We've been here 3 nights, and are driving to LA today, and will fly to Mexico late night. H loves it here, and has made many references to moving here. There has still been no direct conversation about anything, but there is this sort of vague non-committal future talk. He talks about next time we come here, about taking a trip to Paris etc. There has been a bit of bickering on this trip though, and I think it's mainly because I am starting to want to see a greater effort from him. I feel like as we get closer to the end goal, it becomes harder to keep the slow pace. Anyway we've hung out with some of H's family here, and that was good. I think H appreciated the fact that I could get along so well with them, and that they liked me. Things are so much better for us here in the US than in Ireland, and just feel more natural. The bickering, while not good by any means, is indicative of me being more comfortable. I feel like I can call him on things now, but I am trying not to do that too much. I don't want to fall into bad patterns again.

So tonight is that flight to Mexico, where we will again be around a lot of H's family. I am pretty sure that this part of the family knows what has been going on, which does make me pretty uncomfortable. I will just act as-if though, and be as calm and friendly as possible.

Anyway that's about it for the moment. H is out jogging and will be back soon I assume. I'm thinking there will not be any R talk on this trip after all, but if something does come up, I'll post right away.

Hope everyone is doing well!

ITH

[istherehope]

Hi,

So this will be as quick and short as possible. I have tried to write a post several times today, but have been interrupted. Right now I am at H's family's house in Mexico City, and he's hanging out with the guys and I am hanging out in a separate room. This is fine with me as they speak in Spanish really quickly about random family members, and it's hard for me to stay engaged.

Last time I posted was the day we drove to LA. This seems to be the day that everything shifted for us, and not the eclipse. In reality it's been coming little by little. It's been painstakingly slow, and this is very frustrating for me still, but we are at a place I thought we might never see again. So the day we drove to LA, we went to lunch and H said I should try to transfer to the US branch of my company in the San Francisco area. We talked about this place being a good compromise for us, as he wants to live in San Diego, and I'd like to go back to the Pacific Northwest. There wasn't much more talk around this, but it lasted for a few minutes and there were no references to our relationship whatsoever.

We spent 3 nights in Guadalajara with more of H's family, and this went really well. I was worried for awhile as people kept asking us where we were going to live, and H would say we didn't know, were still discussing it etc. However today in Mexico City, when we were alone and walking to pick up some tacos, he said that if we were serious about going to San Francisco I should start the process of trying to transfer now. I said I agreed, and he went so far as to ask what I would do toward this end. Again there was absolutely no R talk, and H is not yet wearing his ring. That said, it now feels pretty certain that we are planning our future together. At some point I hope there will be an actual discussion of where we are now, but this snails pace seems to suit my H well, and as long as it keeps going in the right direction, I will not push.

Beyond this discussion which felt pretty business-like, H has been a lot more affectionate. At times he kisses me, puts his arms around me, and has even called me "baby girl" and other nice terms of endearment. We have been in a few fights, the first we've had in months, but they've been short and quickly diffused. I still think H is acting like a teenager in many ways, and gets really agitated when he makes assumptions about the things that I am saying. It is difficult for me to deal with these outbursts and I am trying to figure out the best way. For example this morning I asked him if we were going to do anything today (his family is mostly planning our itinerary) and he said he didn't want to be nagged. I said I was just curious and wanted to know what he wanted to do etc., but then he got irritated and said I needed to drop it. This was hard for me as I did nothing wrong, and I want him to start realizing that not everything I say and do is part of an ulterior motive. This is where I am struggling. However even as I read this I see that what we are struggling with is something that can be overcome, something that we can learn to deal with. I remember struggling with getting my H to be in the same room with me for more than a few minutes.

I'm still posting on the separated boards even though we have been living together again for about 3 months. I think I will probably move to piecing soon if things continue to improve, but I am not quite ready to do this yet. I want just a bit more security in the fact that piecing is what we are actually doing, and for this I need a little more from my H. Like I said, I think we are getting there. I am incredibly grateful to be where I am now, and can't believe how far we have come from the dark place we were in over the summer.

So this is my update for the day. We have 2 more nights here in Mexico, then will stay 1 night in LA before heading home. If anything else interesting happens, I will be sure to post!

Hope everyone is doing well!

ITH

[Jen_Jam]

hey ITH

Just wanted to drop in and say this is all good!

I went through a stage of getting fed up with my H as well, there was even one time he reacted to me as if i was still old me, and I felt like shouting out "of course i'm not like that anymore, WTF do you think I've spent the last year or so doing?" But i kept it to myself. it was important that I didn't show any anger but didn't turn into a doormat either. i had to learn assertive. Assertive never shouts, demands or gets sulky. Assertive states clearly its wants and but doesn't force the other peson into any decision.

Hope that makes sense! Just wanted to chime in and say I'm still thinking of you! Remember you've had quite a stressful time of late, around H's family, being on your guard etc. When you get back make sure you take some time for you, OK? Some time when you can just be yourself without hacing to consider H's feelings, only your own.

[istherehope]

Going to just do a quick journal update this morning.

First though, thanks for writing Jen!

It's great to hear from you! I really like your definition of being assertive. I think at this point this is what I need to work on. Now that I am more comfortable with things, I have been sometimes falling back into just acting annoyed or being sarcastic when I don't like something that H is saying.

In terms of taking some time to be myself, H has school 3 nights this week, so when I get home from work I'll be able to veg and watch bad TV on my own. I think this is what I want to do to relax as I have been "on" for 2 weeks now, and during the days I will have to stay alert at work. At this point with my jet lag, really all I want to do is sleep!

So journaling...

All in all the vacation was a complete success. It wasn't relaxing in any way though, as we stayed in 3 different places together, 3 nights each, and spent a lot of time traveling. In each of these 3 places we were visiting H's family, all very nice, but still exhausting for me as for the most part conversations were in Spanish, and it takes a lot of effort for me to focus and be involved.

The best thing about this vacation is that in many ways it felt "normal" again. There were some tense moments where we bickered or where I was not happy with H's behavior, but for the most part it always felt as though we were happily married. He kissed me a lot, not just in front of his family, but even sitting on the plane etc. He complimented me many times too, something I haven't had much of lately. There were still no pure "ILYs", but in fact there were a few times where he said it while we were joking around with each other. He also kept referring to me loving him, being "stuck" with him etc. In fact he used the word "marriage" a whole lot on this trip, and the last time we had been to Mexico was for our wedding, so the wedding came up multiple times in conversation, and this was not awkward at all.

As I mentioned before as well, we are now talking about where to live in the future. We bought a book on "places rated" in the US, and last night H started looking at it on his own. I am keeping my guard up here for a while still though as H has not formally "recommitted". To me planning the future together is recommitting, but what I really want is for him to be wearing his ring again. It is painful that he is not wearing it by this point, but I am not ready to bring it up. I think I will wait until after our trip to Brazil in March before I even consider saying anything.

We also have future plans now that go beyond our lease ending. One of H's cousins is going to visit this summer, and we are planning the trip. H also asked where I think we could get my dad to meet us again for another vacation. This is incredibly significant to me as the 1st bomb was dropped on the last vacation with my dad. Needless to say that ruined the vacation completely for me, but we kept things from my dad so to this day he has no idea of what happened.

Finally and quite significantly, last night H spent some time reorganizing his shelf and closet space. Because I had been out of the house, he had taken over completely. He has more clothes than I do! I had kept a lot of my stuff to small, cramped spaces as I was always afraid of being too obvious with reclaiming my space. I know it sounds silly, but as we never had a formal discussion around me moving back in, it never felt like a sure thing. Last night H moved all of his stuff off of "my" shelf and mentioned this to me. This means a lot. I am no longer worried that he is going to move out. I am not saying that everything is perfect, because it is not, but I feel a lot more secure than I have for a very long time. H also kept mentioning our "pet family" last night. Somehow this seemed very significant to me too. I feel like he is finally accepting our life together again, and realizing the good things that we have.

So that's it. I'm still very much on my guard, but a lot happier than I have been in a very long time. Now I just need to make it through this week at work. It is going to be hard to jump back in after such a long time away!

Hope everyone is doing well!

ITH

[One Day]

(((ITH))))

Sounds like things are going really well- I'm so pleased for you!

When are you moving to piecing?!

L. xx

[JCJ]

(((ITH)))

Actions speak louder than words and his actions are speaking volumes. The words will come... patience my dear

I'm so thrilled that thing are going well!

Jx

[AliSuddenly]

Hey ITH.. so many positives, wow, things are so different than before!

I like that he cleared out the closet and talking about more vacation plans and the new lease is a REALLY big deal. I dont suppose he would do any of those things if he still had major doubts, as perhaps he did last summer.

I can hear the caution in you though and thats fair enough, you cant afford to get 'comfortable' yet hey, seeing as like you say, he still isnt wearing his wedding ring. I was wondering though, is this as big a deal as you see it? Is it that symbolic? (it might be).. did he ALWAYS wear his ring before and was this a big deal to him? I say that some men dont even wear a ring when married, but I agree, alot do as it is a sign that they are committed right.

Keep us posted! And move to piecing hey !?
Al xxx

[istherehope]

((Ali)),((Lisa)),((Julia)),

Thanks so much for stopping by my thread. It means a lot to know that there are people out there who care about my situation :).

Lisa (and Ali on this point), I am not sure when I will move to piecing. I am terrified of getting my feelings crushed again, so I need to be a lot more certain about our progress than I am now. To me the move to piecing is symbolic like H putting the ring back on his finger. There are a few things that H could do/say that would make me decide to move to piecing, and these are: ring back on his finger, direct statement that he is recommitting, direct statement that he is happy now and wants us to start really working on things together. Without these things happening, I am not sure what it will take for me to feel secure in the R again. Maybe it will happen gradually and 1 morning I will wake up and believe everything is OK again, I don't know for sure.

Julia, you are definitely right that actions speak louder than words. Like a typical WAH though, his actions are still conflicting. Overall they are moving in the right direction, like the scale has tipped toward the M, but there are still some actions that I am not as happy with. There is not regular ML, he is not wearing his ring, and he has just not really taken the time to show me that I am special to him again. On vacation some of these things were better, so I do realize that a lot of H's actions have nothing to do with me and everything to do with his own stress around school and work, and I am trying to keep that in mind.

Ali, about the ring...yeah a lot of men don't wear them regularly. It's just that H always did, except when doing sports. The reason that this is so symbolic to me is that he very visibly took it off the day that we talked about me moving out, and when I brought it up later, he said that him taking the ring off should show me how he really feels about the M. This was of course during the period of extreme negativity, but he very much knows how it makes me feel (I freaked out and sobbed), and I need him to reassure me with the ring at some point, if not now. We haven't renewed our lease, but we have plans that extend past when our lease is up, plans to travel with his cousin in Europe, so this is good and symbolic. I really feel as though he is battling with his own negativity at the moment. He is asking for validation of my feelings toward him a LOT, but I don't think he is consciously aware of this. He openly asked the other night "do you love me?" I said of course I did, but nothing in return. He also says a lot of things like "that's how love is", and "you love me because I make you laugh, right?" Anyway I think the closer we get to resolving this, the harder it gets to go slow, and this is something I have seen on the piecing board too. I am resolved though, am thinking about the long-term goal, and remembering that we have a holiday for Brazil planned next month :).

Hope you are all doing well, and as H is going to be traveling for work next week, I may be posting a lot more for a few days.

ITH

[istherehope]

Hi,

A few people have asked me how my sitch is progressing, so thought I'd give an update. I don't post much anymore, because I don't feel like there is so much to post these days.

On the homefront, things have been mostly quiet since getting back from the vacation. There has been no R talk at all, and I think this is now a record amount of time for my H to go without bringing things up. The last time he said anything was mid-December, so we're on about 2 months now with no mention of the "situation". I am settling back into the M, and I no longer spend every day panicking. I do panic some still, but it doesn't fill my days. I'm still really unhappy with where we are living, and I think H is too, but his job is going really well so I think this may be a sticking point in the not too-distant future.

H was/still is textbook MLC in some ways I'd say, though he didn't fit the complete mold. He didn't get involved with other women, but I am fairly certain that he enjoyed flirting and being "single". He has questioned everything in his life, said he was never happy, blamed me, blamed his mother etc. He is going to IC regularly though, every week, and I think this is having an impact on him. We don't talk about it at all, beyond him asking me to put the costs in the budget. In the DB book, MWD says that when your H does return (after MLC) things will likely not be a bed of roses right away. I guess for me H's return is more psychological than physical, but the same applies. I have had no apologies, no acknowledgment of what happened/how it made me feel, and no offer to talk through what he has been dealing with. I think that I will be OK without rehashing the past if it comes down to it, but it is still very early days. I still think we are in the place where my H is incapable of dealing with/acknowledging my feelings, so in many ways I feel as though I am the adult in our M still, and I really step back in so many ways for H to get the space he seems to need to deal with his own issues. He still gets "snappy" at things that there are no reason to get annoyed at, but I am working very hard to keep doing my 180s, and when he is irritable, getting annoyed without cause etc., I usually just end the conversation, validate, or ignore the rude part and pay attention only to the rest. It does seem to work.

People reading this might wonder if I'm settling as I now have an R where I am doing most of the work emotionally (H is mainly working on himself), and not seeing massive returns. I don't feel like I am settling. I feel like the DB tools can help us get back to the point where our WAS is willing to work on things again, but from there the hard work starts. I am seeing small steps forward from H in terms of the R. For example he brought me a gift from his business trip when he got home on Friday. He is using future talk regularly now, and the future talk is getting progressively further out. He compliments me more than he had in months, and does not lose his temper like he used to do. I guess my point with all of this, is that I am in it for the long-haul. I think it may take a very long time for thing to be great between us, but I think a great marriage is worth the time and effort.

I will try to post a bit more regularly, and at some point probably actually will move to piecing, but I am still not sure that is where I belong yet. I'd rather be cautious still at this point.

Hope all is well with everyone,
ITH