Countdown to New Year, and fresh start?

[istherehope]

Hi Daisy,

Thanks for checking in :).

In terms of my job, I work for a multinational company that has locations around the world, and if things were to work out right, i.e. if I were to get my act together at work, I might be able to transfer to another location depending on where my H found work. That said, I would also be willing to leave my company completely if that were the only/best option. H finishes school in June, so that would be the earliest that we could consider a move. I think, fingers crossed here for very positive future talk, that this move is something that we could start discussing seriously in the next couple of months. Given the economic situation, any kind of move with our own companies or looking for new work might be more difficult than under normal circumstances...

In terms of what I do for a living, I work as a manager in a technology company, and manage a team that works with customers. There's more to it of course, but that's it in a nutshell. I think that is a great idea to try and organize myself more on the job. I used to set to do lists, so at the very least I should be able to do that for now! I will give this a try today.

As far as my daily journal...I got home last night and it was H and I being sick and a bit pathetic. I had bought stuff to make soup, and H noticed this was a lot of work for me, and said I should have just bought something prepared so I didn't need to spend all that time on it. He said I was sweet...just a couple of other nice comments were thrown around too. It seemed like he was always looking at me. Once I stretched, and he said how cute I was.

H mentioned the IC appointment that he has today, not saying anything specific about it, but just that he has it. I'm glad about this, and about the fact that he is not skipping sessions.

In bed H said I was sweet once, and kissed my face a couple of times. So, affection is improving. No ML as we are both pretty ill, but maybe in a few days. Just found out H is going on a business trip to Poland tomorrow, but only for 2 nights. I feel really weird about it being Poland of all places, and I hope it doesn't make him feel all guilty to be there and think about this summer. Also, H mentioned the Brazil trip again yesterday, that he asked his company about the tickets again. This is very good as in the past I would have nagged about the tickets several times, but him doing this on his own shows me that he is actually happy about the trip.

OK I am off to get ready for work. Countdown to Christmas and 4 days off!!!

ITH

[AliSuddenly]

Hey ITH...

SO would you say you see signs of your old H creepong back in?? Sounds like he is being alot kinder to you and making sweet comments. Its good that he continues to engage with plans to do with going away (wow, you are a right pair of jet setters!!).

Dont worry about the wedding ring, put it out of your mind, I am sure he will put it back on when he is ready, in time! Glad things are on the up! Guess it was defo the right decision to stay in the house!

Al x

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

Thanks for stopping in. I haven't been posting on others' threads much for awhile, but I promise I will check in on yours soon (I do still read along).

I would definitely say I see signs of my old H creeping back in. In fact I'd say H seems about 75% the way that he was. The missing 25% is the extreme affection he always showed me, the constant ILYs and little songs...yes he would sing little songs to me like "so in love with you don't know what to do." Even without this though, he is just being normal with me. Actually yesterday he gave me another big hug, and was pretty affectionate in bed again.

The ring...yes this does bother me, but I am trying not to let it get to me. I know he knows how I feel about it, and I do think he will put it on before too long. I think it could possibly make an appearance on our trip with ex...

So yes I do feel like it was the right decision to stay in the house. I think the biggest thing we were lacking was the chance to see what life together would really be like again. I think H didn't trust that we could be together without fighting, that we could enjoy each other. I still don't know exactly what he is thinking or how much he is enjoying things, but I do know that we are making plans together and that we are not fighting at all.

Today H leaves for a 2 night business trip. I am actually a little sad, but it's only 2 nights. Then next week he has another 2 night trip, then he's back and it's Xmas, and finally our trip to the Czech Republic...I'm on the train now, so said goodbye to him already, as he was going to the gym before his flight. This will be the first business trip for either one of us since living together again, and I am really curious how H will behave, how much he will reach out to me etc. It's still very weird to me that he is going to Poland. I found some Zloty from my stay there, and gave them to him. I also taught him a couple of Polish words. It felt strange even bringing up Poland, and I got a knot in my stomach, but in a way it was good to just talk normally about the place. I didn't show any emotion, and when he gets back, I'll ask him casually what he thinks about Poland. It's a very raw wound for me still, but I think if I can start viewing that time as just another experience, and if we can slowly start talking about it here and there without the emotional bits, I'll feel better.

Ugh still feeling sick though. This cold is lingering and nasty :(. I also haven't been working out so much these days. I'd gotten really thin in Poland, and was in really good shape--not so much anymore, pretty much back to normal, but at least I am eating. I do love to eat, and losing my appetite for a few months was a strange thing that had never happened to me before!

On the work front still struggling a bit, but hopefully I can get motivated enough to get things in place for a good Q1.

So that's it for now.

Thanks again Ali for dropping by. Hope you're having a good day :).

ITH

[JCJ]

Hey ITH

How are you feeling today? How is it without h? Has he been in contact much.

Sending over lots of virtual tea to help you feel better!

I really like what you said here. Something to help you in your DBing!

So yes I do feel like it was the right decision to stay in the house. I think the biggest thing we were lacking was the chance to see what life together would really be like again. I think H didn't trust that we could be together without fighting, that we could enjoy each other.

[optimistwife]

Hi ITH,

hope that you are on your way to feeling better soon. How are you doing with the business trip? I hope your H is finding time to contact you...

I am glad you made the choice to stay at the house and that your H is getting the chance to see that life isn't what he thought it was (unbearable). I think eventually (long down the road) he will create another scenario in his mind why this all had to happen this way.

I think everything that has transpired in our situtations will bring that uncomfortable 'knot in stomach' feeling occasionally. It feels like a mini panic attach inside (sometimes big ones). But once you get through a situtation, it usually isn't quite as bad the next time (hopefully). I hope that when your H comes home from Poland that you can maybe jsut have a light conversation about it, and hopefully no R talks...

I am thinking of you... (meanwhile I am busy trying to convince my dogs that the x-mas tree should be left alone).

[Separated]

ITH~

I hope that you are starting to feel better! It seems as though your decision to stay in the house was a great one. There are some things that you have to go with your gut on and this was one good choice.

I also believe that the trip coming up is only going to help your situation even more. It always seems that when on vacation people are more relaxed and able to just enjoy themselves better. I hope this is true for you too.

Of course Poland is going to be a raw wound but think of it this way, if things had continued the way they were (you did say you guys argued alot before this??) and you had not taken that 'break' to Poland you might not be making all of these wonderful travel plans right now.

[istherehope]

Hi Julia, Opt, and Sep,

Thanks for checking in on me!

Julia-thanks for the virtual tea. I sure need something as this stupid sickness is just lingering. Somehow H got better in 2 days, perhaps because he actually stayed home and rested. Hopefully this weekend will be what I need. H was in contact, not as much as I'd have liked, but will explain more later below :). Thanks for quoting my phrase about staying in the house. I will need to keep that in mind. I am DBing every day by keeping my 180s alive, and I should never lose sight of how far we have come and what is still left to do...in my case I think it's mostly time, just time and consistency.

Opt-I do think that H will create another scenario in his mind about why things happened. On one hand I am pretty sure that part of him feels that it was a good thing because "I have improved" so much. Just a gut feeling, but I need to remember that phrase do I want to be right or do I want to be married. There will be no good to be gained from pointing out what he had been doing wrong, or how he unduly blamed me and the R for every problem in his life. I also think that he has lingering guilt, and only by focusing on the positive changes that I have made can he somehow justify his behavior. That's my amateur psychology guess, but I am pretty sure about the guilt since it seems to be common to all WASs. So when he got back from Poland we did just talk lightly about it, and yes my stomach was still in knots, but I managed to seem upbeat and unaffected, so I think this was a good first step. At some point I hopefully WILL be unaffected by any talk of Poland.

Sep-while I really don't think H and I needed the S-I had found DB 2 weeks beforehand, and I think we could have fixed things without the S, if I hadn't left to Poland, I am 90% sure he would have moved out. If he had moved out, I just don't know where we would be today. His pride might have prevented him from coming back, or any number of other nasty things. So, going to Poland did help in some ways I guess. In fact I am shuddering now just to think of what could have happened had I not left. Thanks for reminding me of this. I need to keep that in my heart and mind so that I am not tempted by the bitterness that creeps in every once in awhile. As for the vacation, yes I think it will be very good. In fact I have been listening to the 5 Love Languages (downloaded as an audio book), and I'm only on the 2nd language but I think I have ID'd both H's and mine already. I'm pretty sure his is "words of affirmation". I just think back to how much he would compliment me, and the times that he would ask me "what do you love most about me?" He was ALWAYS looking for affirmation, and I was very bad about giving it. In my case I am sure that it is quality time. This is why we'd have such massive fights about him doing things with me. I even found old journals where I would complain about H not wanting to do things with me. So, the trip will be good for me in terms of quality time. I will try to also build in affirmations to him in front of my ex, which will hopefully be doubly powerful...

So all, here is a brief synopsis of the past couple of days. H left to Poland on Wednesday, and the only thing I heard from him was a text that he'd arrived. I knew he had a holiday party that night, so no big deal. The next day we IMd and emailed back and forth for a few hours. He asked his travel agent to go ahead and book the flights to Brazil. I'd like to point out here that his company's travel agent sucks. I found much cheaper and better flights on my own, and the flights that she found put us over the allotted price his company will pay so we have to kick in 100E whereas with my findings we would have had 400E leftover to pay for accommodations. I bit my tongue though and did not complain. I could fix the tickets and make it all better, but I am not doing this...I am stepping back and letting him make all the decisions about the trip. I am just happy that he is so certain about wanting to go. I also went to his school to turn in a paper for him while he was gone. This made me feel good in a domestic sort of way, like I am his wife again. I had to go to his program office and say I was turning in a paper for my H...this was nice.

So I am often paranoid and second-guessing myself, and was pretty concerned that I hadn't heard from H after 2 PM on Thursday, and he was coming back Friday afternoon. I had all kinds of scenarios going through my head about how he was taking all of this time to think, and didn't want to talk to me, would come back and say he needed his space again. So I got home last night from work, and he was back. In fact he was so hungover that he was a little pathetic. Weird as this may sound, I was thrilled. He told me how he'd gone out drinking with his coworkers, had slept in, and almost missed the flight home. I actually think it's good that H is doing normalish things with others, and not sitting in his hotel room ruminating about what he really wants in life. So we talked about Poland here lightly and just a little bit, about how the locals love to drink vodka, how skinny the girls are even though the food is so heavy etc.

We just hung out on the couch and watched shows last night. I was sick and he was hungover, so we were a fine pair. He did make one interesting comment though. I mentioned some food I used to make for him when we lived in the US. He said "that was when you used to love me." These are the kind of comments he used to make when sick or hungover and he'd think I wasn't paying enough attention to him. I didn't think I heard this right as he hasn't said anything like that in ages, so I asked again, and he repeated it. I lost a golden chance to say that I loved him still, instead making some joke and blowing it off. I guess at this point I am still surprised at any mention of the word love. That's the 2nd time it's come up sort of indirectly in 2 weeks, so I think this is a good sign, but I do need to affirm it next time. I haven't taken any risks in awhile. I haven't tried for affection, haven't said anything about future plans etc. except in response to him, so I think I can be a bit more bold next time.

So H is going on a business trip AGAIN on Monday, for 2 nights. Of course I am likely to be paranoid again and 2nd guessing things. I think I need time to let the improvements sink in, and to believe they are real. I feel like we need to go through every sort of normal thing that we used to have come up in our lives, and make it through each of those events before I can feel totally secure again. Those things for me are both of us traveling without the other, a trip together, doing things with friends, and being around family. So all of these things are in the cards now. By the end of January each of us will have gone on trips independently, we'll have gone together, hung out with friends, and seen H's family.

Alright sorry for the novel. I just hadn't posted in a couple of days so had a lot to get out! Hope everyone has a good weekend...

ITH

[istherehope]

I just got a proper ILY!!! H is still in bed all tired from his 2-day drink fest. I was sitting on the bed chatting with him as I'm headed to town to do some grocery shopping. He said "ILY" and bye. I said it back but resisted all temptation to make a big deal of it. I didn't kiss him or anything, and didn't change my voice inflection.I can see he still gets a little weirded out by too much affection, so I am just taking his lead here. I won't say ILY again until he does I don't think. Anyway I am SO happy. When I left the house I was smiling and laughing to myself. I am so amazed at the turnaround here...

ITH

[One Day]

Fantastic news! Congratulations ITH- I'm really happy for you!! (Oh, and well handled too- well done you!)

L. xx

[istherehope]

Thanks Lisa :).

Yeah it was hard not to jump on the bed and hug him and kiss him and cry tears of joy, seriously. Of course one ILY does not a perfect marriage make, so I am being realistic and cautious. I think I will refrain from showing emotion until there is a more obvious statement of reconciliation.

Thanks for checking in on me. I always love hearing from you :).

ITH