Help, it seems my 35 year old wife is in MLC #13

[Imageer]

I'm bored so I thought I would start a new thread.

Lucky Number 13!

Here is my previous thread if anyone is interested.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1554638&page=9#Post1554638

[Imageer]

All has been quiet lately. W hasn't been calling much.

I guess unemployment/life is getting to her because when we do talk, she often seems down and depressed. Actually, I've noticed a trend lately. Whenever we talk she starts out seeming down and by the end of the conversation she is happy, smiling & laughing. This is how about 90% of our interactions go. I wonder if she has noticed this.

I called the kids tonight. I didn't talk to my W other than to say hello. She didn't sound like she was in a good mood though. When she was like that in the past I would think that it was something about me or something I did. I don't do that anymore. I know I haven't done anything wrong so whatever she is upset about has nothing to do with me. I guess that is a positive change in myself.

S9 told me that OWs mother was coming on Saturday. I wonder how that will go. Hopefully not well

[Imageer]

W called first thing this morning and had to come by my office to drop off a cheque from the government. She didn't look good. granted she was just out doing some shopping and such but she was dressed like she was living on the street. She hadn't brushed her hair and she wasn't wearing a bra.

She said that she was sick again yesterday. She has been sick often lately. Can't get out of bed kind of sick.

I asked her how her interview went and she said that she didn't think it went well but we agreed that she never thinks they go well and then she gets the job. However, if she went dressed anything like she was today, I doubt she would get hired.

[Imageer]

I talked to W the other day when I picked up the kids and she said that she didn't get the job she was going for a second interview for. I had to run to go visit my grandmother for her birthday so I didn't get to talk to her any more about it.

Interestingly, when the the kids were getting ready to go she said to them "Call Me" in a kind of lonely, depressed, sad kind of voice. She then told me to say hello to my grand parents.

Then today my kids were out with my mother and S9 tells her that he feels bad for W and doesn't think she is going to have a good Christmas. He then asked my mother if he could borrow $20 from her to but W a Christmas present.

W must be really showing stress/depression when she is not around me because S9 is not very intuitive in that way.

I feel for W and I want to reach out to her even though I know I shouldn't. On the other hand I know I keep saving her rather than allowing her to find her way through this. I feel that I keep taking away her problems and allow her to continue in this life unscathed.

At this point, I think she is seeing that the grass on the other side is dead but hasn't figured out why. I am not really sure how to proceed.

[Punktmann]

Imageer, I certainly think that keeping on being supportive and loving is an excellent thing.

Having said that, I think there is a difference between being loving and "enabling."

I feel for W and I want to reach out to her even though I know I shouldn't. On the other hand I know I keep saving her rather than allowing her to find her way through this. I feel that I keep taking away her problems and allow her to continue in this life unscathed.

Loving is what we should be aiming for of course, but when do we cross that line to enabling their messed up behavior?

I certainly didn't pick that boundary well back when I could/should have, (WAAAYYYY too enabling,) but as a divorced dad, I've found where I think that is for me now.

I'm supportive of the kids in every way as far as "making mom feel better," through gifts, calls, etc.

I dropped all interest in her problems, to the point that I just react in a supportive manner and cut things off immediately if everyone is safe.

She recently forgot to pick the kids up for the second time w/in 2 weeks, and the second time, it was the day after I reminded her to p/u early.

After receiving a call from the school, I called her and said "I'm not trying to give you a hard time, I just called to make sure everyone is OK, and I don't need to pick anyone up,"

HER: "You don't have to do anything, I'm only 5 minutes away, I just forgot again! {angry,}

ME: "That's OK, I just wanted to make sure everyone is safe, and that I don't need to make other arrangements,"

HER: "It's not OK, I forgot again!" {angry,}

ME: "well, you sound upset, and I don't want to make you more upset, so I'll let you go now, goodnight..."

OK, she messed up, but I don't want to be a part of rubbing her nose in it, OR enabling her by doing what I normally did and comforting her with "it's all OK."

Whatever she did/does, she set it up, she bought it. It's not mine.

If she was even remotely in a reconciliation mode, I'd be very inclined to help her through the mistake emotionally, but that's not my place anymore. It's the other guy's.

FWIW, I wish I had gotten to that point a lot earlier. Not to be a jerk, but to make the cake-eating point. Maybe that's what we all call detachment.

I think you do a good job with being supportive, and covering all the bases with your kids. I just wanted to throw that out there as an example of loving/enabling.

Supportive is "you're a good mom and a great XYZ employee," enabling is "there's nothing wrong with what you're doing."

I think you're on the right track with those things.

Best wishes to you, your kids, and your W.

Punkt.

[Imageer]

Thanks Punkt. I understand what you are saying. It's such a fine line that it's tough not to fall on the wrong side of it.

I support her emotionally by telling her that she will get through this and that she will find a job and listening to her. However last night she asked me if I knew if any of my customers where looking for help. To me, this would be enabling. I'm not about to get her a job with someone I know so that she can continue her crazy life with OW. That just doesn't seem right.

It's getting even tougher now. I found out the other day that she is buying second hand clothes for the kids because she can't afford new clothes. This just drives me nuts. I work my ass off and my kids are running around in second hand clothes! But again, I am opening a can of worms if I offer to give her money to buy the kids clothes. What makes it worse for me is that if I look in her recycling box (beside her front door, I'm not snooping) there are always empty wine and beer bottles. I guess that is more important than new clothes for the kids.

As I type these things it once again makes me realize how messed up she is. This is a woman that would always give in when the kids wanted cookies as they would go to bed because she felt too guilty not too. Now, for the second year in a row, she has chosen to give up the kids on Christmas day. My W always use to dress nice but now she dresses terribly, looks unkept and never wears a bra. She also swears constantly.

The job that she went for the second interview for was with a non-profit company that is mandated to hire 3 people by the end of the year or they loose the funding. The job is doing exactly what my W is trained for and has always been good at. Yet, they won't hire her and risk losing the funding. What does that say about her?

Before the bomb W excelled at her job and always had good reviews and good bonuses. Her boss was also grooming her to take his position. Now she has been fired and has gone on 3 interviews in her field and has been told no 3 times.

Outwardly, it's hard to see the issues when you talk to her. But they are there when you look between the lines. On the other hand our relationship seems be keep getting better. It's actually to the point where S9's teacher told us that she is getting a divorce because she sees how well W and I get along and figures that it will all be ok. (That really pissed me of)

I think I got off topic and started ranting a little here.

[Punktmann]

Imageer, dude....that's NOT a rant. That's truth. Truth screams out while lies whisper.

We rant when we decry our X's for their behavior, and then enable it at the next step.

Your first instinct is to help. Rightly so! You still love her, so you would like to "help" her in her employment pursuits.

Clearly, you also know that her MLC has had an impact on her employability that is beyond your power to affect.

Sadly, at this point, you probably realize that trying to help her succeed in those efforts would also only prolong her "problems."

You have a good handle on the difference between "loving" and "enabling."


Man, I wish I had that insight 4 years ago. (jealous-funny-sort of.)


Best to you, your kids, and your W this Christmas.

I LOVE reading about HOPE.

Keep on keepin on.


Punkt.


BTW....

It's actually to the point where S9's teacher told us that she is getting a divorce because she sees how well W and I get along and figures that it will all be ok. (That really pissed me of)

OK, that doesn't count as a "RANT' either b/c WTF?

A teacher even?

Are we few, we happy few, we band of brothers,

Are we the only ones who are looking out for these little guys?




GRRRRHHH