So I haven't been on the boards in a while...I have been so busy working and I just started the new job!! Yeay!!!! I love it there so far...last Thursday we were told to dress down and our mission in the morning was to decorate the Borough Hall and to make our own stockings!!! LMAO..it was great..they are so nice and laid back, don't get me wrong it is a lot of work too but they are more positive and get along here!! Ok sorry for rambling.
On the H front I have hit limboland!! I have no clue what is going on right now. I thought things were going really well as we were seeing each other more and chatting more and now it is at a standstill, I have not heard from him in a few days so I guess he got scared back into the cave for right now. Oh well!! I sent him an email just saying that the line of communication is open for whenever he would like to chat...none pushy just I'm here type of thing and just some rambling about Christmas gifts that I got for his sister so hopefully that will open up the doors to communication again. So we shall see....
I'm so happy you love your new job. Sounds like a good group of people. Which makes all the difference!
Limboland sucks big time. Did something happen to bring it on or just a lull?
The great thing about your sitch is that there does not seem to be negativity and blame game. It seems like once things do start moving they will take off for you. It's just a matter of waiting out the quiet times. But it sounds like you still have your GAL and PMA going strong so you will be just fine!
Hi all sorry I haven't posted much lately bit there has been nothing really to post, still have not heard from H, he is deep in his cave right now. Oh well I have been working alot of hours lately so it has kept my mind off of it for now.
I went out last night with friend and had a great time so I have kept up the GAL, today I am just being a lazy bum..lol. I am only straightining up the house and lounging all day. I needed some rest!!
Ok so I write about how I haven't heard from H and then..Boom! He texts..lol. So nothing major or important just chit chat and response to an email that I sent him but still contact.
That's funny timing on his part! I'm glad you heard from him.
What are your next steps? How much longer are you willing to wait to see things start to move forward? I'm just wondering if you have a plan or goal list. Even though you are so busy with work!!!
Do you have your Christmas plans sorted out yet? Will you be seeing your H then?
We have just been chit chatting back and forth, he has been asking more personal questions about my new job, etc...so good so far. I don't know what my steps are I am just going with the flow. I have no more short term goals as I would only set myself up for disappointment. My long term goal is to have a loving relationship with my husband and that is my only goal.
I will keep positive and annd continue working on myself. I do not know if he will be included in my Christmas plans yet, I hope so and things will get even better by the end of the week but I will not get my hopes up.
Feel free to disregard but I just wanted to ask you a few things? I'm trying to push you a little here to understand what you want but I understand if you don't want to answer.
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My long term goal is to have a loving relationship with my husband and that is my only goal.
Ok, but how are you going to get there? Just go with his flow? If that is so then that is fine but what does 'having a loving relationship with my husband' mean? Does that mean he will ask me a personal question occasionally? Does ot mean he will give me a hug? Does it mean he will move back in with me?
Quote:
I will keep positive and annd continue working on myself. I do not know if he will be included in my Christmas plans yet, I hope so and things will get even better by the end of the week but I will not get my hopes up.
What will signify to you that things have 'got better'? What are you looking to see and what happens if you don't see those things but he displays other behaviour. If he ignores you are you going to ignore him?
Just wanted to check in as I haven't posted for awhile.
As you know I think the increasingly personal contact is a very positive sign.
I do agree with Julia about the idea of some kind of goals, or maybe just indicators if you want to look at it that way. I have found that it's useful to keep a list of things that would indicate to you that things are going in the right direction. So your end goal is a happy and loving relationship. Within that are there major steps that need to happen, like Julia suggested, maybe living together? I think you can look for indicators without setting specific short-term goals.
So, for example, let's say that you think one building block for the happy and loving relationship is moving in together again. What would be some steps that show you things are moving in that direction? These could be very small like your H coming over 1 night per week, him leaving stuff there etc. When a certain percentage of these steps happen, you might feel more certain that you are on the way. Maybe another indicator is intimacy, again could be broken down into things like ML, personal conversations etc. If you don't feel that it's right, you wouldn't have to do anything toward these milestones, but keeping track alone can be confidence-boosting I think.
Anyway, just an idea. Hope all is well today!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Julia~ I would never disregard you!! Ask away!! I guess I really do have mini goals but I had gotten so caught up with my goals and expectations that I think I started to get upset when certain things weren't met or came to a halt for awhile. My goals are to have H want to know more about my personal life and him asking these personal questions over the past few days did feel very good...I also want him to be more affectionate, I'll start off with hugs for now!!
I do eventually want H to move back in. I am going to try to go with the flow, I will continue to keep up the conversations as he does. I will initiate conversations and hopefully this will cause him to initiate some also.
ITH~ Yes if I can get h to come over at least once a week I would be VERY happy and it would be a great indication that I am on my way to my goal.
You guys are 100% right!! Thanks so much for getting my head back on to the right track...I guess I was just getting frustrated. I needed that.
That's so good. Now for 20 questions... I think that expectations naturally go along with goals unfortunately, but I think it is how you manage those expectations which are the key. I think basically realising that things may take a little longer than you think/ hope and also realising that some things don't work and some things do and not to get discouraged if something doesn't work. I also break it down into 3 things, will I get a
Positive reaction No reaction Negative reaction
I don't count no reaction as negative as who knows what is going on behind closed doors, but I do focus my efforts more on the positive reactions and stop all negative reactions.
So you want your h to know more about your personal life? I see that more as you want your h to start taking an interest in you? Do you agree? With that in mind maybe you need to be a little more coy about your personal life so he has to ask you questions if he wants to know. What sparks your h's interest? What has done in the past, when you first got together and what maintained that interest while you were married/ together? What new things could you do that would evoke interest? I am sure that whatever you do will make you feel so good you will shine with confidence, thus making you more attractive. I think this also may help towards your goal of him coming round once a week. Are there any activities you can do together?
I think maybe the next stage on from sparking interest will be affection. I think of all the goals with a WAS this is one of the hardest to achieve as their guilt and insecurities stop them. But, has he given you any recently? If so, what happened to precipitate it?
I think that expectations naturally go along with goals unfortunately, but I think it is how you manage those expectations which are the key. I think basically realising that things may take a little longer than you think/ hope and also realising that some things don't work and some things do and not to get discouraged if something doesn't work. I also break it down into 3 things, will I get a