Thanks to everyone who responded at the end of my last thread 'Creeping through no man's land'.
I had a fabulous time at the weekend. The red dress hasn't worked it's magic yet but I'll keep trying
I did meet up again with a guy I met at the same weekend last year. He was part of the group of people who all played badminton together. We had quite a good chat. That evening there was a fancy dress party with a disco and at the end of the evening I noticed he was sitting by himself. So I did something I have NEVER done before. I went over (by myself) and just started chatting to him. We chatted for a few minutes and then the people he was sharing accomodation with said they were leaving to go and have a party back at their chalet. He didn't invite me (which I was a tad disappointed about ) but I now know that I do have the confidence to go and talk to a guy without it being him to make the first move!!!!!!!!!!
PROGRESS me thinkss (at long last!!!!!!!!!!!)
I will catch up on everyone else's thread but there has been so much activity whilst I have been away that it will take me a while.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
So I did something I have NEVER done before. I went over (by myself) and just started chatting to him. We chatted for a few minutes and then the people he was sharing accomodation with said they were leaving to go and have a party back at their chalet. He didn't invite me (which I was a tad disappointed about ) but I now know that I do have the confidence to go and talk to a guy without it being him to make the first move!!!!!!!!!!
OH, YAY!!!!
That tickled me so much when I read it that's all I could think of to reply.
I'm very low today. S16 keeps ignoring any attempt I make to communicate with him. So today I wrote him a letter. Actually I wrote it twice because when i read the first one back I decided it wouldn't achieve anything. It certainly helped me to bring my emotions to the fore but unfortunately I have spent the rest of the day crying. I was supposed to go out tonight but made the decision not to even though I had already paid for it. I'm not in the mood to be smiling and putting on a brave face and pretending that everything is fine when it clearly isn't.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I tried phoning my son today. It only served to make things worse. He is not prepared to acknowledege that he has to take some responsibility for the situation we find ourselves in. I could go back to being the pushover he wants me to be but that would only paper over the cracks so I'm not going to. I think for now I have to consider my son lost just like his dad.
W2S don't where you hang out these days but could sure do with some of those hot towels right now.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Oh Alison, (((()))) I am afraid your son is 16yrs and he isn't a nice young man at the moment. Good for you for not going back to being a pushover, given the circumstances that might have been the easy option when I know how much you miss him and want your family whole. One day when all is not so rosie with his dad he will turn to you, may take a while but it will happen. You have set your boundaries and you must stick to them. Was the call to replace the letter or had you sent it? Sons break our hearts so easily and then when they finally turn into the wonderful human beings we raised them to be, they fall in love with some totally unsuitable girl! Is your d home from uni,or is she living with b/f? What about the youngest how is she doing with it all,have they tried talking to their brother.
It will get better, for now concentrate on you and the girls. It must be so hard. I am thankful my children didn't grow up quite so fast as they do these days, however I always was a strict parent and my kids did the usual so and so's mum lets them stay out til whatever, go away with their b/f.So we all go through the battles. I am known for telling my parents when they complain 9yr old son won't do xy or z, well if you can't win the battle now you never will, so make sure you don't loose. Children need love, routine and boundaries, makes it hard as a parent at times but eventually hard work pays off. Your son is pushing all those boundaries Alison, stand firm, he knows you love him. Take care and try and have some good times with the girls,they still need you.
Understatement of the year I think! He expects me to apologise to him for taking his key away. Well I'm not going to. He pushed too far and too hard. He says he wants things to be better between us but actually said he isn't prepared to change the way he does things. So it would seem to me that he doesn't actually want a R with me at all. What is so annoying is that he is mirroring his dad' actions and reactions towards me. I didn't deserve them from H so I certainly don't from S16.
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Was the call to replace the letter or had you sent it?
It was to replace it. I thought I might have more luck if I tried speaking to him. I should have known better. The sad thing is that due to my own turmoil growning up due to me not having that great a R with my mum (although it never got as bad as it is between me and S16) I think I have learnt to communicate through arguements. It cost me my M and now it is costing me my R with my S16 b/c he has inherited that way of communicating. I just want to break this vicious cycle but he isn't having any of it.
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Is your d home from uni,or is she living with b/f?
No she isn't home yet. She doesn't finish uni until 19th and then her and her BF are going on a mini cruise to Amsterdam (his treat) and they will be home on 23rd.
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What about the youngest how is she doing with it all,have they tried talking to their brother
D13 is suffering the same as me. She misses her brother but would never admit it. She is hurting seeing me so hurt and has been very offhand. She and D18 did try and talk to S16 when this all kicked off but nobody has seen him since so they haven't had the opportunity to do so again. D13 is very simplistic. She thinks that I just cut S16 out of my life completely. I've tried explaining to her that until she is a parent herself she will never understand how emotive this all is. This causes her to storm off and we go again.
This will be the 4th Christmas that has been ruined. I just want to hop on a plane and never come back.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Alison, repeat after me it will get better.It will get better.... "This will be the 4th Christmas that has been ruined." Not Christmas yet soooooooooooo don't let it be ruined. Make it low key, no expectations, have it on Boxing Day,don't have it at all. Go off and help at a drop in centre, take the kids. Invite some guests for dinner, anyone living alone near you. Set a place for Abraham at the table.
I know it is so hard to be in what you perceive to be a rock and a hard place. But it won't change until you do-how???? Ah now thats all I got so your homework is......
If all else fails, bacon butties all round and stay in bed clutching a bottle of your favourite.
) but I now know that I do have the confidence to go and talk to a guy without it being him to make the first move!!!!!!!!!!