I just wanted to say that you & Julia are handling your sitches so well, while knowing there is ow involved. I never knew with my H (only what his BF said). It must be very difficult trying to be friends. I give you both a lot of credit.
So is this new year going to be the year of Ali? To detach, not worry about BF and work on yourself and your happiness??
I have decided this is going to be the year for me. 2009 will be the year of Amy!
Ali - you gotta do it!!!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
thanks so much for your recent thoughts on my thread... it was helpful to hear your perspective! congratulations on the awesome pressie from BF. I am so glad to hear that you are getting some rest & having fun !!
Hey T, no worries, I've been musing on your post btw! Hi MrsM! I am not sure I am doing THAT well, I am so sad alot, like today, walking around our hometown, my head full of memories.. but then, I treated myself to something I have wanted for 10 years and finally found... knee high green suede boots !! Lush.
So I am meeting ex's BMF wife later at a brasserie near her house, normally I go to her house. I offered to pick her up from home, but she said she'd see me in there...hmm...wonder why she doesnt want me round the house?? Maybe ex is there, or him and Helen, or maybe BMF feels awkward..or maybe just cos he has had flu. I feel a bit nervous about meeting her actually. Dont know what she knows/will say. But, looking forward to seeing her too of course.
Hi T, Purr! I am having a great week, yes! Hey MrsM..sorry, I was thinking though that I have always done whatever I wanted.. I gave up a career in Governmetn when we were first together to finish a Computing degree and followed my dream to be a web developer.. I then gave that up 2 years ago to go to Art College and live by the sea, 2 big dreams of mine...and I guess I will continue to do what I want to do in 2009.. BUT.. I'm not done with him and especially after what I heard last night!!
I had a great time with J, we talked all night! She told me her H (my ex's BMF) has been emailing a woman, its an EA I think. I am worried for her. She told me AMAZING news about my ex, I was stunned...
So my ex went to Tenerife with 5 other guys, od friends, 3 or so weeks ago, including her H and also her BFF H, and my ex apparently talked alot on holiday to that H.. about.. ME!! H told BFF, who told J, who told me, so its 3rd hand, but very trusted source! (we are a gang of friends of 10+ years). So he has been with Helen 4 months (?), drove me home the night before he went to Tenerife and we had that horrible layby incident...and yet he was talking about me!
My ex had one long conversation with this guy and the gist was..
- He cant believe how much better I am (dont know if that meant in myself, or healthwise??) - He cant believe how different I am (WOW! He has noticed!) - He cant believe how well we get on still - He doesnt know what to do about me and he is confused - This guy said that he seemed "in a mess" about it all
So..WOW! Its official! He is confused !! I wasnt so much doing 180's, more that I have actually changed, I have returend to the girl he fell in love with (more open, more sociable, happier).. and I dont get ill anymore. I think his Dads desth and his depression and MLC meant he couldnt cope with my constant illnesses and lack of fun?? This is what Jody said to me. He felt like my caretaker. I have only been ill twice this year, whereas he, ironically, has been constantly ill !
So the question is..what do I do now? How do I fight for him, make him feel more confident that the changes have stuck and to want to risk trying again, to reassure him I can take it and how do I wrestle him away from Helen?! Still NC from him and I havent contacted him to thank him for the present.. perhaps I should??? But...amazing news hey !!? I wasnt expecting that !
WOW!! That is totally awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to give you high 5's and then backflip together in our boots!! i am smiling!!!!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am not sure what to advise next, esp as I am feeling a bit lost myself, but I think the biggest thing is to keep finding your own happiness, because that will make you glow brighter and more truly than anything else. If he just got back I might wait a few days before contacting him about the gift, so he gets a chance to reach out to you first.
Also, it seems (from what I understand) not to be really about fighting for him, but letting him fight with himself. Not about making him confident that the changes have stuck, but being confident in yourself. Not about wrestling him away from Helen but drawing him toward you as anyone would be drawn to a beautiful, shining light.
This is signficant news! Though I don't think it changes the course you've been steering; actually I think it merely validates it. It is evidence that you have been making important changes and building a better life for yourself (and you've done amazing with taking some chances, making lots of difficult decisions, and taking action steps to rebuild from such a shattering experience). And, you're right--clearly he has been noticing (which isn't the primary point, but it sure is satisfying as a secondary gain, ain't it?!).
It's interesting how you are connected indirectly with him through this extended circle of contacts. It allows you to maintain an eye/ear on his situation without the direct contact.
But seriously, don't make that your primary focal point! Keep on building for Ali. Look at how far you've come in the last several months even. Through different jobs, dealing with the housing stuff, dealing with the periods of little contact with him, etc. You have handled it and are doing great with connections with others. I know it is still very hard, and in some ways no less frustrating, but keep on going!
haven't posted a lot but been keeping up. Just let it happen. Continue to do what you have been doing. Live your life and see if he comes around. I agree with Purr. You have made yourself happier and if that makes him reconsider then that is the bonus.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
