best way my tiny lil mind can explain your and your wife's marital dynamic is.
you see her as your wife.
she see's you as Dad.
dude, we gotta get through this..
what can I do?
I think like you said in our phone conversation, and phoenyx also, is that I have the whole world waiting for me to make myself happy so I can go on to better things. Carrying the hurt and burden of W's choices is dragging me down. And as Amy said, I'm the one stopping me from growing.
So, tonight I'm journaling about things I want from life that are just for me and nobody else.
I've got to cut the cord that keeps me connected to W. She doesn't matter any more.
The damage is done. I can fix myself and give my girls a decent life. Give myself a decent life. Enough is enough.
I spent some time last night thinking about how ashamed I am of myself. But also thinking that there was so much good in our marriage, in our family. so I'll focus on that and learn to live in my own skin as a probably divorced man. And I'll let go of the guilt and anger and fear.
starting today.
You make it sound like the end of a process.... It is only FINALLY the beginning. This is SO TRUE! As long as you stop worrying about whats around the corner you won't drive off the road.
What you are going through, choosing to start, is life. It is something that most if not all DBers forget about durring "DBing". We forget that relationships/marriage/divorce or whatever is part of our life, not our life period. The Lord has strange and sometimes brutal ways of showing that everything is part of our life, the life HE gave us to live for Him. Whether we see it after a long road that ends with the admirable public choice to admit they are there and that you are choosing to fight them, or shutting down and getting angry and bitter and choosing solitude fight them on your own, at some point we all have to admit that those demons are there. Once we recognize them we can't move on until they are gone. Only then we start to live again. You can't install over a virus. I pray that I am right when I tell you that I really believe that this isn't another false start for you Dre. God brought all of us here for a reason....they say that at some point we consider ourselves lucky to get to these lows. Yes - because without them there can be no truly authentic 'highs' - just more moments in which we deceive ourselves into THINKING we have our sh*t together. You won't miss those days once they're really over with, Frank. I promise you that. The name of your thread is "Letting go of the fears"...if only it were that easy. The truth of the matter is that we have to face them. Head on. One by one. And kick their lying asses off the map. The light gets brighter everyday Amen to that. .
yeah it's wierd... I've been going for a month or two thinking I have just soured on people in general.... Now I realize that it took this to force myself to fight. Sounds kind of strange, but it makes sense to me. Sucks that it took all that, but hell I'm charming, I'm sure I will eventually be forgiven by all the people I piss off while in my whole little I-hate-the-world-dark period(not to be confused with the term "going dark" as copyrited by Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W).
Keep your head up Dre, one day soon we will all look back on this and.....
I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.
along with... we will look back on all this and say, that was the day that i realized how messed up i was up until that point. that was the day that i decided to live how i was created to live. that was the day that i decided that no one on this earth completes me, and decided to start walking with the only expectation of success coming from what God wants for me because i am choosing to give him all that he wants from me.
crap, now I have to do all that don't i?
I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.
Todays topic at church was about finality, and how God will make a way for you to get through whatever event you are going through.
It really tore me up because I've been avoiding / disbelieving that there is a finality to my relationship and my family being whole.
I also have been carrying a lot of guilt after Thursdays events with W because of some of the things she said, putting responsibility for everything on me, drinking, my depression and me not 'wanting her'.
I don't want to rehash it any more. I spoke to Ford and Phoenyx and Ian and I worked through the feelings, realizing that she should have been my best friend, and a best friend wouldn't have just let me hurt like I did.
So, I forgive myself, and her, and I accept that as far as she is concerned our marriage is over and can't ever be fixed.
I accept that.
I also believe that God will provide a way for me to get through this and move on to a better life. I don't know how and I don't need to know.
Frank, I am sorry you are dealing w/ all of these emotions. I do believe that you are right in setting boundaries w/ your wife, especially concerning her coming into the house.
Your Church sermon sounds right on track. I firmly believe that God will get you through this. HE hears our prayers and HE answers them...it just may not always be the way WE want HIM to. But, HE knows what is best for us....HE knows what the future holds for us.
When my exH first left home, I was devastated. I felt so low about myself. I did not believe that ANYONE could EVER want or love me. With the help of my pastor and my friends, I realized that while there were things I could have done differently in my marriage...there were lots of things my exH could have done differently as well. I finally came to understand that I HAD to give my marriage to God and let him have control of it. Once I did this, I felt such a tremendous peace and I was able to begin moving forward w/ my life. It was then that I was also able to look at my marriage w/ a new (and more accurate) point of view. Wow!
It was not long after this that God brought Bill into my life. And, you know the rest. God has blessed me w/ a wonderful, caring man and two new "bonus-sons"! I am happier than I have ever been! But, my happiness doesn't just come from Bill and my family....my happiness comes from within, as well.
As your subject title states....we all have to learn to let go of our fears. We have to learn to give our troubles to God...leave them w/ HIM...and trust HIM to do what is best for us.
Frank, I wish you nothing but the best! Please stop being so hard on yourself. Yes, there are things you could have done differently; but, there are also things your wife could have done differently. The important thing is that you are able to see those things, learn from them, and not repeat them in your next relationship, whether that is w/ your wife or someone else.
